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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cancelled DD2's birthday trip to legoland

109 replies

SparklyGothKat · 02/10/2009 07:18

It DD2's 8th birthday on saturday we were supposed to go to Legoland.

Last sat. we went to the shopping centre while waiting for DS1 to come out of the cinema, she spotted a necklace in Claires which was about £5. I said I would come back in the week and get it for her birthday, at which she started screaming and stormed off. I left her to it and took a slow walk ahead saying if she didn't come back to me and stop screaming she would lose her legoland trip. She carried on, and refused to come walk with us, and carried on sulking and screaming in a shop doorway. DH went over and picked her up and we went and sat in the car until it was time to pick up DS1. I told her that because of that behaviour she has defo lost her birthday trip.

She keeps saying she is sorry now and really wants to go, but I refuse to take her to a place that costs lots and then her do the same when we are there, because I can't buy her something. We have had this problem for a while and its draining me tbh

so AIBU??

OP posts:
diddl · 02/10/2009 08:42

But if you go somewhere for her birthday, then at a later date to Legoland, it seems as if her initial bad behaviour is being rewarded.

MmeGoblindt · 02/10/2009 08:43

Ok, I can see this is an "end of my tether" moment.

Does she get pocket money? Does she understand how long her parents work to pay for X? We explain to the DC that Papa has to work X hours to buy Y.

She is getting old to still be having screaming tantrums, I can understand you wanting her to feel the consequences of her behaviour.

GoldenSnitch · 02/10/2009 08:43

I should have thought that, as this behavious seems to have been going on for some time, that SGK has tried minor punishments such as early bed/loss of pocket money. Maybe a big punishment was just what was needed.

She's going to be no more hurt by not going than she would be by going and ruining the whole trip by tantruming all round the park. No-one would have fun with that sort of atmosphere.

YANBU SGK. Stick to your guns.

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/10/2009 08:46

I don't think you're being disproportionate at all! We would do (and have done) this. I think it's fine to go later (but make it much later, not in a week or so, but a couple of months) if she has "earned" it back. I think if you threaten punishments then you do need to carry them through.

(I used to live near Leuven.)

NestaFiesta · 02/10/2009 08:50

You are right to withdraw a big privelege- after all, she did have warnings. I agree with SoupDragon- still have the birthday and presents but just make it lower key. Sounds like you're doing that anyhow, and I think I would do the same. They have to learn somehow. YANBU.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 02/10/2009 08:54

My first thought was that the punishment was perhaps a bit harsh, but I can totally see why you are doing it, and agree you do need to follow through on what you've said. But giving her the chance to earn it back (not too easily) is a great idea and will probably turn it into a positive memory in the long term rather than a "I've never forgotten the time my birthday was cancelled" type of thing.

Oh, and glad to see you are still with us, FBG.

OzziiMum · 02/10/2009 08:55

YABU!!!!
What is your problem! That's incredibly mean and all that's going to happen is she's going to hate you!
All you are going to teach her is that she can't fix her mistakes, that once something is gone it's never coming back, that there is no alternative to the original!
Imagine when she's older and her boss says she doesn't get a promotion, she's just going to give up! You've got to teach her that she can always fix mistakes and that not everything is final or she's just going to accept everything at face value.
AND. this is her birthday, there are so few of those as a kid, you want every one to be special. If you don't take her to legoland now, when will you? will you do anything for her birthday instead?
You're a cold hearted person, don't rob your children of childhood experiences.

borderslass · 02/10/2009 09:26

I don't think your BU my youngest is 14 next week has adhd and has progressed from this behavior at 6 or 7 to physical fights with me we have tried sanctions but when she's in that mood nothing works now she gets nothing unless she earns it A lot of her behavior is due to her brother being autistic although it is not acceptable no matter the circumstances.Have you sought help with managing her behavior we didn't until it was to late.

GoldenSnitch · 02/10/2009 09:32

That's a bit harsh OzziiMum!!

Seuss · 02/10/2009 09:40

She has been given a chance to earn back the trip at some point though and she will still be doing something for her birthday.

Morloth · 02/10/2009 09:42

Nope, not being unreasonable. Never give an ultimatum you are not prepared to carry through on.

If you back pedal now she has just learned that she can act however she likes and you will still do what she wants.

QueenGlorianathethird · 02/10/2009 09:43

YABU. You promised to take her to LL for her birthday, don't break your promise.

misdee · 02/10/2009 09:51

knowing SGK as i do (i am her sister) and her dd2, i would say this is not unreasonable.

her dd2 has been tantrummin very badly lately, and SGK has tried removal of pocket money, small treats, toy confiscation etc etc with no effect. i think maybe dd2 needs a big sharp shock like this, to change things.

i know age 7/8 is an awkward age, my dd1 was awful last year, and its not nice to deal with.

good luck SGK and will see you at the farm on saturday

spicemonster · 02/10/2009 09:59

YANBU - she knew what would happen if she carried on and she did regardless. I also agree though that you should give her the chance to earn it back

(ps I grew up near Wavre and then lived in Tervuren just to join in on the Belgium theme )

QueenGlorianathethird · 02/10/2009 10:08

Has OP tried talking to her DD rather than lots of petty-minded punishments?

GoldenSnitch · 02/10/2009 10:19

Another at QueenGloriathethird!!

It's a trip to Legoland not the end of the world!! She's going to a farm instead.

It's not like SGK is going to lock her in the cellar with bread and water for her birthday, she's just not going to a massively expensive theme park because she's been acting like a brat and small punishments have not gotten through!!

QueenGlorianathethird · 02/10/2009 10:24

Snitch.

Didn't say it was the end of the world but a promise is a promise.

MmeGoblindt · 02/10/2009 10:29

I do think that the punishment is quite strong for this incident but as SGK and Misdee have said, this one incident was just the last straw.

Once you have have threatened to withdraw a treat, you have to follow it through.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2009 10:31

I'm with Mmegoblindt: I would have made the punishment fit the crime. i.e. she was moaning and moaning about the necklace, therefore the punishment should be that she doesn't get the necklace. I would have warned her that if she didn't stop whingeing about the necklace, she wouldn't be getting it at all. I really don't see what the Legoland trip had to do with that particular situation, TBH, and I think you were being a bit unfair. Sorry.

GoldenSnitch · 02/10/2009 10:32

And I'm sure SGK's DD has promised to behave in the past too!!

I doubt the words "I promise to take you to Legoland" have ever passed SGK's lips.

More like "where would you like to go for your birthday?"
"Legoland"
"OK"

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2009 10:32

But I also do think that if you've threatened something you have to carry it through. So you should not go on the planned trip, but maybe go slightly later if her behaviour is good.

Acanthus · 02/10/2009 10:37

It doesn't matter whether YABU or not, really. You've warned her, the behaviour carried on, you've given the punishment. You have to carry it through.

No point teaching her that bad behaviour followed by grovelling is good enough - because it isn't.

QueenGlorianathethird · 02/10/2009 10:44

Oh I didn't realise you were party to the conversation between SGK and her dd, GoldenSnitch.

BrigitBigKnickers · 02/10/2009 10:55

Like some of are the other posters I think UANBU. You have to follow through

If the tantrums are a regular occurance and other punishements are not working a nasty shock like this might just do the trick.

Earning it back (a good way ahead) might be a good next step though.

groundhogs · 02/10/2009 11:54

YANBU. Firm, but you gave her the option.

Incidentally a few years ago I heard about a couple who always agreed that if either parent said 'Little Johnny, do that again and we will cancel, turn around, stop XY or Z' the other would absolutley back them up regardless.

So they were driving across the US to get to one of the Disneys.. a good few hours drive for them, everything booked, just waiting for them to turn up and have their weeks holiday.

The DC were playing up badly in the car. The mum said, 'Kids if you don't stop, we'll turn the car around and go right back home.' Last chance.

The kids carried on playing up, from what I remember it was pretty bad fighting, screaming, full on and unwarranted bad car behaviour.

So Mum said, OK Dad, turn the car around, the holiday is cancelled. and he did.

The kids sat in shocked silence the whole way home, and never again played up in the car, and never again ignored their parents 'last chance' requests.

They spent the week at their home, lost the money for the holiday, and the parents never once regretted it.

When we say something, we HAVE to mean it, especially at 8.. that's old enough to know how to behave, and far too old for tantrums in shopping centres.

If a few more parents drew the line as you have done, then we wouldn't have so many issues with kids behaving abysmally outdoors.

Actions and consequences.
An invaluable life lesson.