Not to go to any M&T groups because...

[godzillasbumcheek]

I am so fed up with not being able to break into the groups there? I get maybe a few sentences in at best, but last time i was hardly spoken to at all.

I think it's possibly because i don't go regularly enough, for various reasons, but when it's like that i wonder why i bother going ever.

Thing is, DD (she's 2.7) does enjoy it - she likes to play with the different toys they have, and loves the singing, but she doesn't really interact with anyone. Am i passing on my social inadequacy onto her?

Ok perhaps this doesn't belong in AIBU, more like...Am I A Socially Rubbish Parent and Should I Find Another Way to Get My Child to Socialise?

I thought children usually started interacting (rather than playing alongside) at 3, so that's normal.

If you want to get into a conversation, admire another baby/toddler's clothes or skills

but no, I know lots of people who hate them

godzillasbumcheek YANBU at all. I took my son to M&T group locally and to be honest I found it tedious and boring. DS enjoyed it but he also gets more out of meeting his playmates that he sees regularly anyway so I stopped taking him ages ago. He is 2.3. I took him from about aged 12 months to about 18 months maybe about 5 times altogether.

I too didn't go regularly enough to really form a bond with any particular group of mums there, and I'm not a cliquey kind of person so for me I wasn't upset over it and have made sure DS gets involved and interacting with other children in a variety of settings like the playpark and toddler pool and play dates with close mum friends I met at antenatal classes from the early days.

Don't beat yourself up about it, they don't actually start benefitting properly from the interaction until they start nursery ed at 3.

i agree with ninja, be prepared to have the same conversation ad infinitum - isn't he/she clever, beautiful, striking, artistic, good at poohing, but don't expect to make friends quickly, familiarity breeds familiarity at these groups, and i think you need a thick skin to keep going when you don't already have a 'mummy' group to go with.

the first one i went to i felt like going home in tears - i felt so sorry for ds that his mum was a social inadequate!

i've stopped caring now, and will go to any and talk to anyone and think 'it's for ds' over and over if i've gone on my own. and it's fine. sometimes i meet someone nice, sometimes i have a boring conversation.

I hate them for this reason. We just go to our local children's centre now as found everyone there is really nice and down to earth.
I prefer places where your not really put in the position to talk to others if you don't want to, like soft play centres, and places where you can play with your child without feeling like the class outcast
I don't like the way that at mnost parent and toddler groups I've been to, you have to pick, either to inore your child so you can get 'in' with the crowd, or play with your child and been frowned upon there doesn't seem to be a middle ground. That's what I've found anyway

godzilla im the same. anyone that knows me says i am a very confident outgoing person but at m&t groups i just cant seem to get a conversation going with anyone, its really knocked my confidence, so much so that im really nervous about ds' upcoming birthday party on sat incase im not able to talk to people. how silly is that??

I found, weirdly enough, lol, the kind of Whacky Warehouse Toddlersessions more relaxing at that age...and was able to make some friendships easier there...

Agree that at 2.7 she can go to a playschool etc and get the child interaction she needs.

I hate M&T groups so avoid them at all costs. Instead I do toddler bounce (where dd can run around with the other children but I don't have to interact unless I want to) Rhymetime and Storytime (which are structured) I find these sort of groups much easier for me.

I agree with littleboyblue on the point of going to places where you don't feel obliged to strike up a conversation with other mums (basically because I can't be ar*ed) it's always the usual line of conversation anyway - how old is your DC, isn't the weather lovely, has yours started potty training yet? yawn.

And yes, I'm one of these mums who's been to a M&T group and played on the floor with all the DC (not just my own!) and built up train sets and stations and got right into the serious play! Whilst all the other mums were umming and ahhing abou the latest brands of children's clothing..I agree, there's just no middle ground.
DS is always been v active so for me to actually hold a conversation with another mum would be impossible anyway where there are loads of things going on at once in a M&T setting.

YANBU and I also think you're wise to think about what your DD is picking up from you.

I've been to a few this past two weeks (moved to new area) and found some people to be friendly - apart from a woman this morning who, when I smiled and asked how old her DS was, said '14 months old', so I made some comment about him being lovely, and she...then buttoned her lip. Cheers, mate! Made me feel so welcome! So I stuck my tongue out at her (in my head, of course ) and walked away.

She was then obviously surprised later to see me approach one of her friends who was next to her (and who is lovely) and start chatting - she looked most uncomfortable! Hah!

Awww thanks

I thought i would get flamed and told i really must go for the sake of DD3! Just shows how MN can surprise us sometimes!

Glad i'm not the only one that hates them then.

Cat64 - that's a good point about people not giving up time with their mates to talk to someone who's not going to be there the next few weeks. Guess i should find another way to get DDs songtime.

God I hate M&T groups. I find them so boring but feel horribly guilty about it.

My defence is that I have had 4 children over 16 years so have had to do it for flipping years!

Doesnt help DC4 but I feel I have done my share of M&T!

I also feel very out of place for several reasons. Obviously i do not blurt out my life story in the first 5 mins but people are bound to ask 'is this your first?' when i say no he is my 4th they are naturally interested and ask further. Because I cannot 'not' talk about my DD I have to say something like 'I have DS15, DS6 , DS is 18 mths and I had a DD but we lost her 3 years ago'.

Cue embarrassed, upset or sometimes damn nosey mum backing off, crying, or digging me out for futher details.

Because DS2 is adopted this can sometimes increase my sense of 'notfittinginness'. (it comes up when people start asking about birth stories etc).

I am not suggesting that everyone is horrible and/or nosey but it can get waring explaining my circumstances.

Its hard to break into some groups. I do think that some are just mums who happen to know each other but are otherwise friendly, others are definate no go areas and they do not welcome new comers. This can be devasting for new mums who are feeling a bit nervous.

Try a different one? I went to a few which were really cliquey and then a different one which was really friendly. That was a soft play session at my local surestart - a lot more friendly than the yummy mummy one at the more classy sports centre

I take mine to a small soft play place instead. Seems easier to talk to people there as there is no pressure to do so IYSWIM

canttouchthis/littleboyblue - the only places in walking distance are the sure start centres. Unfortunately i was put off these years ago (when they were still called Homestart) because i took my toddlers then and the people were rough, their kids were rough, and i didn't even know how to begin to fit in!

I really ought not to assume didn't i?

Are you local?

I've never been to a Surestart play centre, have no idea what that entails or if I'd be able to go.

I tend to visit friends with kids for the 'playdate' thing, or go to a country park/play park. I'm one for the great outdoors so love making sure DS is getting out there to see it all rather than playing with toys all the time. He gets to play plenty at home when it's raining loads.

You could have a go at the Surestart play centre and see how you get on, if you don't like it, then don't go back.

I think M&T groups are more for people who don't have a large network of friends already. it's great for new mums, but for people who maybe already had friends having babies at the same time as themselves, I'd imagine that M&T groups aren't really quite as important or seen as a priority in the week.

Message withdrawn

I hate them too. I did meet some nice people at one, but it was only when I bumped into them at another baby class that I really got to know them. I have one of those really active, loves to climb, scared of nothing, will nick toys from others type toddlers, so is difficult to hold a converstation.

Its a shame because it would be nice to meet more local mums, makes me really regret not doing NCT really. Our childrens centre is quite a long way away but I think I'll try there. I think structured classes are an easier way to meet people.

Spicemonster - was about to say they aren't that cliquey, but there is a group of them that often seem to be the first there and get all the seats (though it is a bit silly that there is only one table and the seats are around it), and lots of the conversations seem to revolve around other friends they have in common and other groups they go to. Which obviously a newbie can't join in on and wouldn't want to!

chegirl - i think you and i would get along quite well. Well ok, you might think it a bit strange when i carry on as normal instead of coming over all doom and gloom when you mention about your DD, but i usually figure that if someone is up to mentioning it, they aren't going to instantly burst into tears or want to gloss over her existence. Then again i might annoy you over your adopted son because if DD3 hadn't happened i would have asked DH to seriously consider adopting a child. Didn't work out that way though as DD3 did come along, eventually.

Godzilla I think that originally, surestart centres were aimed at families that were seen as 'deprived', but they have changed massively now. There are a range of people at my local centre. Some can clearly afford nursery places and toddler groups with an entry fee, some cannot. Some people are struggling, some are not, there really is a wide range of backgrounds, but I have made some wonderful friends there. The staff at mine are also great, and are generally interested in the children and their development.

BOF - local what?

(Hope it's not a League of Gentlemen reference!)

Our surestart centre run structed groups, not sure if that's what they all do because only been to the one. It's great because you can have the best of both worlds, you can encourage your toddler to make something - we did musical instruments last week and then played them along to a cd - and also chat about it to the other parents. Perfect IMO.

I will give Sure Start a go then, that's a given

canttouchthis - can't go down the playdate route (although i'd love to) as i don't have any friends with young kids (LOL...i don't have any friends! Except Houseofpants who probably doesn't realise what a sad bint i am).

YANBU.

i think this is a shared sentiment, definitely felt like my firstday at a new school at the local M & T's

I felt in such a funk cos my children were 'on display' that it was impossible to relax.

also, my toddler spent the first ten minutes crying so that wasn't good...

I think it's really difficult also becuse you have to 'parent' in public without the stuff (playpen etc) that makes it easy. i mean, i normally reprimand my toddler rather sharply if she takes a toy from another kid, but will others think that rough? or not enough? or what?
i don't normally feel nervous about whipping out my boobs to feed DS either, but definitely did at M & T....

and my kids are pretty good.

If its any comfort, i really think if your kids are going to be shy, they'll be shy however many groups you take them too. (and the opposite)