to think that grandparents should give my children pocket money?

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I'm quite cross about this actually. We're going on holiday tomorrow, our first holiday in 4 years, and we're all really excited.

However.. my MIL has given both dc £10 each spending money for their holiday - she wanted to give £20 but we told her off...

But my parents haven't sent my dc anything! I would have thought that a fiver wouldn't have killed them! I can ALWAYS remember getting a bit of ice cream money from GPs for holidays, and I'm a bit pissed off.

I live 200 miles away from my parents - they see my dc about 3 times a year, and send them pocket money of a fiver each about twice a year.

AIBU? Or is this a bit tight?

[Thunderduck]

YABVU.They are no obligated to do so.

[Thunderduck]

Not.

[unknownrebelbang]

YABU.

[fembear]

So you are upset that:
parents don't give enough
parents-in-law give too much

There's no pleasing some people!

[squilly]

YABU. If you feel displeased about this it may rub off on your kids and they may begin to expect money from grandparents, which is not acceptable.

My dd gets money from my mum most times we go to see her but sometimes she doesn't. She knows that nanny has lots of grandchildren and that she's getting old, so she doesn't always remember what she's done. That means she might not give her money sometimes. But we don't go to see nanny to get money. It's a nice bonus when we do get it but if we don't? It's no big deal.

She doesn't have to know that nanny gives money to her other gcs on a regular basis and dd misses out by being 80 miles away. That's our choice and whatever happens as a result of that is not our doing.

The fact that mom/nanny loves us is all we need and want.

[aGalChangedHerName]

YABU to expect it.

YANBU to be pissed off that they appear to favour the other GC.

[scienceteacher]

YABU. Thet are your kids and it is up to you to provide for them.

If the GPs want to give them an occasional gift of money, I don't see the problem and don't understand why you sent half of it back. £10 won't go very far, especially if they are buying presents for people back home.

Maybe money is tight for the other set. It is very unreasonable to expect other people to spend their money according to your wishes.

[BradfordMum]

My grandparents always gave us 'spends' when we were little, and now my parents always give my children money for their holidays.
When we are grandparents, we will definately give out grandchildren money to spend on holiday, it's all part of family life in my opinion!

[bubblagirl]

if you see more of one family than the other than of course they will do more as they are closer to you etc

but it doesn't mean your parents don't care if they lived closer they would probably do more never compare what people do money doesn't = love

my dp family live 6 hr drive away and clearly don't do as much as my parents but i don't feel bad for this or think they don't care

and none of them give money when we go on holiday lovely offer but not essential or necessary i wouldn't even think of sending money for holiday money

your family dont live near enough to be hands on but will love you all no less

[smallchange]

I suppose it's what you're used to. I didn't get money from my (very loving and involved) gps except at birthday/Christmas/Easter so I'd never expect it for ds.

My parents don't pay money into a savings account for ds or give him pocket money but no-one loves a child more than they do him.

But then my friend still gets about £200 cash for Christmas every year from her parents (she's 38) and is a bit that my parents give me a jumper. I do think in her head love=£££.

Sorry, that makes it sound like I think you do to - not suggesting this is the same at all, just that your experiences can colour your expectations (unreasonably).

[hocuspontas]

They've each got £10!! How much more do they need??

MiL has always given us £20 to have a holiday meal every year my DM has never given us anything. I certainly wouldn't expect her to.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Right, hold on a sec that a lot of people think I'm BU - and I am by expecting money - I'm not explaining myself very well.

I'm the least materialistic person you could ever know, honestly - I don't care about money, I swear, it's just not important.

I hadn't even thought about it until mil gave the dc some spending money - then it occurred to me that it would have been nice for my parents to have treated my dc for their holidays - and then that led to all the other issues come spilling out.

bubblagirl, it's not the money - it's the time. My mum and stepdad, and my dad and stepmum all drive, whereas neither me or dh do. If we go to visit, it costs £100 on the train, so we can't afford to do it very often - so you'd think that they would visit us more often, it's only a 2 hour drive.

And I've only lived up here for 6 years - when I lived just around the corner, they still favoured my sisters dc, and I suppose that's what prompts these kinds of outbursts now and again.

So IABU. To think that they could have sent the kids some money.

[differentnameforthis]

I think you have to accept that your parents just don't think that way!

It is not your children's right to get anything from their relatives, let alone money! Anything they do get is a bonus.

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

YABU. There you're children , you should give them money for their hols if they need it!
My DC's grandparents live in a different country...but that has no bearing on what I expect them to do for MY children.

[bubblagirl]

could you phone and arrange for them to come and visit? sometimes someone else taking lead can help a bit people get stuck

do you genuinely have a good relationship or always been bit strained?

maybe if they are reluctant to come you could say well we cant afford to get train this time and you haven't been to ours for a while the children and i would like to see you if still reluctant it may be time to have that chat

[bubblagirl]

i think everyone is saying bu as its based on spending money for hols not what they do or don't do now you have explained more i see why you feel the way you do but i wouldn't over money just there time but the thread was based about spending money

[SerendipitousHarlot]

bubbla, you're right. These issues go waaaay back, and I really should say something, but we're not that kind of family - everything's all repressed and unsaid

I ask them regularly to come and visit, but they still only come about 2-3 times a year, and then only for a few hours. My mum is retired now, so it's not like she has to arrange around work and stuff.

It just pisses me off. From the time my dd was born until we moved here when she was 6, my mum only had her to stay overnight twice. But she has had my nephew every other weekend for 14 years! So there is other stuff bubbling away in the background.

I feel a bit ashamed that it's come across like I want money, but that's not it, it's just the catalyst for how I feel in general really.

[booyhoo]

just because they give other gc money doesnt automatically entitle your dc to it aswell. its up to gp who they give their money too and aslong as they arent mistreating your dc then they havent done anything wrong, perhaps they just dont feel your dc need it.

btw, grandparents dont have to like all their grandchildren the same, they get to have favourites. theyve done the equality thing when they raised their own children. just my opinion btw.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

ok, based on your op - totally unreasonable and cheeky! however, your post about how they treat their other grandchildren gives it a different slant, because it does hurt when your children are being treated less favourably. Yes, it's their money (and time and effort) yes it's their choice, but it is not at all unreasonable to feel hurt on behalf of your children when you see them making an effort for your siblings kids that they don't make for yours.

And I disagree that it's ok for grandparents to have favourites - by that I mean clearly show everyone that they have favourites! - because it hurts the kids who feel less loved and it hurts the parent of the less loved child(ren). Not nice at all. Very cruel.

[bubblagirl]

i do feel for you my dp parents live close by 40 min drive and always say if you lived closer we'd look after him but its too far to come and baby sit for one night so all responsibility falls on my parents who don't mind at all but it still makes you cross

my dp mum lives 6 hrs away and we know she would make that short journey if she lived nearer and when we stay there she always wants to watch ds for the night

i think maybe its time to try and make things happen a bit more offer for them to stay maybe have some food and some quality time and talk about how much you would like them to spend more quality time with gc and yourself

i know its easy to resent when they appear to do more for others but it may not be as it seems to you iyswim they may think you cope better for eg that you dont need extra help maybe they feel you sis needs that help

who knows but it may not be a favoritism thing you wont know unless you have that chat

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

Another thread with people playing favourites etc.

Always find it odd when people show preferences for eg one child over another or one GC over another.

Our family very even handed so guess am lucky.

FWIW booyhoo I would be gutted if either my parents or in laws made it clear they didn't like my DD and i would not be inclined to seek to see them if that was the case. it's just mean poor little kiddies haven't done anything wrong.

[kittywise]

bloody hell I have NEVER EVER expected my parents PIL to give my dc's anything. YOU are their mother YOU give them pocket money.
Yes you are grasping, horrible.

[kittywise]

What you want is your mother's attention, quite understandable, but don't bring your dc's into it.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

kittywise, if you bothered to read the rest of the thread you would see that

a) I have explained myself and admitted that IABU, and

b) Have provided my dc with pocket money.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

What?! YABU with knobs on. My children don't get money from their GPs nor do they expect it. Stop being so bloody grasping.