crying because woman I have spent a lot of time trying to cultivate a friendship doesn't want it

[sycamorehelicopter]

I am a grown up woman so this is pathetic. I have lots of nice friends so this is even more pathetic.

Everyday at work I'm confronted with a woman who is new and I went out of my way since the Autumn to befriend her, and she was happy to oblige in that she was quite chatty and came back to mine for coffee and dinner with her dh.

I've also had her dc over more than once and as her dc and mine get on well.

She hasn't reciprocated once so it's highly mortifying when she arranges to meet up with others in earshot of me. I am too sensitive to point this out to her (of course or even want to dwell on it really) and as I'm pretty popular anyway I have lots of others to talk to and am always being asked to lunches/ etc.

I am just so stunned by this rejection especially as I'm not really a clingy/jealous/type. She is nice enough to me but she is obviously avoiding me I think.

I am cool about it on the outside and remain cordial and polite but inside I am so hurt I felt like my self confidence has nosedived and I'm unable to get a grip. I would go as far as to say it has plunged me into a kind of depression.

I don't go out of my way to speak to her any more but she has badly affected me. How can I move on when these overwhelmingly humiliating feelings come back to me everyday now?

It's really made me question myself and how I come across.

[mrsruffallo]

Rejection is hard, especially when you have made a big effort,but you if you are true to yourself then not everyone is going to like you, I'm afraid.
Step back and detach yourself, and concentrate on the good friends, family etc

[WinkyWinkola]

Thumbwitch, I remember a thread on something similar - not the op sycamore though.

It was a school gate friendship that wasn't reciprocated, leaving the op gutted after all her efforts with making friends with one particular woman.

Turned out her h was a chilly fish and she was starved of affection......

[Dior]

I also think that maybe you were too friendly. What you did was lovely and welcoming but some people need time to grow into a friendship with others. I am like that. I have learnt from experience that people seem to like you more if you maintain a friendly exterior without seeming to be trying too hard.

Whatever, you sound a very nice person.

[Lizzylou]

I can totally see why you are hurt, I would be too.
Agree with those who say rise above it, continue fostering friendships with the other women (they sound nice, esp hugging lady ) and don't go out of your way to do anything for the non-responsive one.

[flamingobingo]

thedolly - lay off. Don't be mean.

Sycamore - I know where you're coming from. I tried to be nice recently to DH's colleague and his wife who are expecting their first baby, and I think none of her friends have babies so thought I'd be kind to her. Invited them to a meal at our house. They said 'we haven't got a car at the moment - you'll have to wait'! As if we were sitting at home desperate for them to come and be our friends!

I was really irritated at first, even though it's no loss, I know we wouldn't actually get on as friends - far too different - but I felt really snubbed and upset.

So I know where you're coming from. But try not to worry about it. You're the nice one. You've got lots of lovely friends of your own. Maybe she's got ishooos or something. Remind yourself how lovely you are and how many people like you and care about you and want to spend time with you.

[sycamorehelicopter]

Thank you for making me feel better about myself. I needed to hear these kind words! When she heard I had offered to help out with other friends dc not just hers she said to me 'I hear you're having others back too' and said she thought I was mad, and why on earth would I bother.

I said I didn't do it very often but another lady behind said 'she helps others out all the time' (meaning me)

I then made a disparaging and untrue comment about myself about having more time on my hands nowadays when really it's because I genuinely like to help others out.

So I felt a bit foolish.

I am no downtrodden mat but for some reason I am very very upset.

The reason why in this case I decided to invite other dc back was because I had emailed her asking her to confirm the day she'd like me to help with her dc and she did not reply. I had already arranged things around it and so to save myself the embarrassment of her dc not coming I invited others around. Those other friends who came were really grateful too.

This woman only confirmed when I approached her, she said, 'oh we had already confirmed it' when actually we had not.

I know you will think I am stupid to want to be kind still, but I feel that I cannot be anything else as it would cause me more grief and we have such a small workplace.

[howtotellmum]

Just to say I can empathise- it's not nice feeling rejected.

I have what I thought was a good friend, known her about 4 years -but she has not made any effor recently. She has been full of good intentions to meet, but hasn't followed through- so I have decided to back off an leave her to it.

Like you, I have been questioning how i come over, but sometimes that just creates a bigger issue of it han needs be.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Chandra]

I agree with Thumb... I was thinking the same. There was a thread here a few weeks ago that seems remarkably familiar, even the answers are almost identical (I was looking for my own post).

Agree about her attitude touching something hidden with in you (something apparently lost in the past?) and therefore making you feel so bad about it.

Just ask yourself a few questions?
-Do I need her friendship?
-Does her lack of interest makes me an uninteresting person?
-Do I really want to be her friend?

I think that the answer to all the above would be "NO" so cheer up, you are as lovely as you always were even if she is not in the mood of pursuing that friendship.

Downgrade her to "aquaintance" and be happy

[Chandra]

...and don't help her anymore... she obviously doesn't need that help if she can not appreciate it.

[sycamorehelicopter]

I don't have affection issues at home. I feel very badly treated though.

If someone is jealous of you then what would be the best way to deal with it?

[Chandra]

Ignore them, and keep them at a distance. The less they know about you the more unlikely they are to be able to do something that annoys you.

[Dior]

Oh, and, you can't be liked by everyone, no matter how lovely you may be. You say you have lots of friends - well, concentrate on them and just slightly withdraw from the other woman. There is no need to be rude or unfriendly - just slightly more aloof.

[sycamorehelicopter]

Something inside me is very angry now for feeling this way. In some ways I want to keep friendly out of curiosity to see if she ever will be nice back.

I hate the way she has put a black cloud in my sunny garden and now my garden is grey.Right, I definitely need to get a grip, you have restored my faith in myself and she can go fk herself but I will be breezy and nonchalant around her.

I'm very pleased to hear all your responses, I'm actually not the sort to want everybody to be my friend.

The jealousy thing struck a chord as she came to work this morning wearing colours/style that she doesn't normally wear but I normally wear. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Lulubee]

From what you have said she sounds rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful, and I think you've probably had a lucky escape!

[Binkster]

I know how you feel Sycamore. I became friends with a woman on-line about 3 years ago and we started doing some research together, met up a few times and chatted about our shared project every day. All of a sudden last year she stopped e-mailing me- no idea why, although I had a Christmas card from her, I?ve heard nothing since November- and this is someone I was chatting with several times a week. It?s very hurtful, but you should realise that you can?t control someone else?s behaviour- only your reaction to it. But I can understand how upset you feel as something similar happened to me to.

[Chandra]

Stop trying, let her come back on her own. No disapointments that way...

And as for the colours she wore in the office... perhaps it may help you to know that every year, a panel of colour experts get together to decide which are going to be the colours of next year, and next year all the stores are inundated with those colours, from clothes, to curtains, to kitchen utensils... she may not be trying to imitate your colours just wearing whatever is available/infashion/trendy at the moment.

[sparkle12mar08]

To be honest I think you hit it in your last post - you do need to get a grip. Not in a bad way, but you are wasting your precious time and mental energy on this women - let her go. You do not need her in your life and your head. You just didn't click - so what, you have other nicer and more interesting people around you, so be polite but distant and non-committal. Easy

Seriously, let it go.

[sycamorehelicopter]

Thinking nastily is actually cheering me up no end. My dc said 'mummy you and x, y, and z are the prettiest ladies there (at work)

V being the woman causing me this grief was not even mentioned.

[Theimperialcharliecat]

Its really hard to deal with situations like this OP especially if it is borne out of jealousy. I had a similar situation years ago with someone who I went out of my way to be nice to that ended up with her being outwardly hostile to me. It turned out that she had harboured feelings for my dh for years (despite being married to my dh's friend!) and was devastated when he met me as it meant they would never be together. For the record he was totally unaware of this and completely uninterested in her anyway.

I know the scenario is different, but I used to feel like tearing my face off and stamping on it after I had been rejected for the millionth time by her despite being utterly lovely to her,and it really coloured my view of myself. However hindsight is a wonderful thing and now I look back and can't believe I wasted so much energy on her!
You are the better person in this so don't waste another moment worrying about it, and cherish your REAL friends as I am sure they love you very much.

[Chandra]

Ok... you were doing well so far, but now is becomming a bit childish... let her go. It is worth it, honest.

Keeping negative feeling about her is damaging... to you, and only you. She may not even realise. So forgive, forget and move on.

[sycamorehelicopter]

No she definitely wore my colours

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

I need to know what the colours were now - am imagining purple and yellow with an accent of turquoise

[sycamorehelicopter]

Yes, Chandra it is, I was checking it out as a coping strategy to a (I feel) very childish situation, but the posts are right, it is better to rise above it all.

I am really cross with myself for not being able to move on and for letting it get to me like this. I would want to feel bad if I had done something bad if you see what I mean.

That is why the humiliation and mortifyingness is so intense.

[pembslass]

I understand OP. I'd feel hurt and upset too. I think it's a reflection on human nature that there are some people who feel because friendship was offered to them so easily-it's percieved by them as being of less value. Untrue IMO, but some people are like this.

Same sort of people who crowd around the school bullies and those that they consider the alphas.

The only way to combat this is to be a bit more standoffish. I find this difficult to do though as I also tend to want to make everyone feel comfortable and cared for-especially new people.

[Chandra]

The more you think about it, the worse it will become... Honest.