crying because woman I have spent a lot of time trying to cultivate a friendship doesn't want it

[sycamorehelicopter]

I am a grown up woman so this is pathetic. I have lots of nice friends so this is even more pathetic.

Everyday at work I'm confronted with a woman who is new and I went out of my way since the Autumn to befriend her, and she was happy to oblige in that she was quite chatty and came back to mine for coffee and dinner with her dh.

I've also had her dc over more than once and as her dc and mine get on well.

She hasn't reciprocated once so it's highly mortifying when she arranges to meet up with others in earshot of me. I am too sensitive to point this out to her (of course or even want to dwell on it really) and as I'm pretty popular anyway I have lots of others to talk to and am always being asked to lunches/ etc.

I am just so stunned by this rejection especially as I'm not really a clingy/jealous/type. She is nice enough to me but she is obviously avoiding me I think.

I am cool about it on the outside and remain cordial and polite but inside I am so hurt I felt like my self confidence has nosedived and I'm unable to get a grip. I would go as far as to say it has plunged me into a kind of depression.

I don't go out of my way to speak to her any more but she has badly affected me. How can I move on when these overwhelmingly humiliating feelings come back to me everyday now?

It's really made me question myself and how I come across.

[sycamorehelicopter]

jeml do not let the fact you have a flat put you off inviting people around!

I have never lived in a flat before or looked out over a balcony and I would love to go and visit you if you were my friend and invited me!

[foreveroptimistic]

This really is identical to the other thread.

[JemL]

When I first read your OP, I was going to say perhaps she has got a thing about inviting people to hers - this is something I really struggle with, a lot of the new people I have met since having DS - in fact all of them, now I think about it - have nice houses and gardens, and can invite us round for barbecues etc, and we live in a really small flat on a main road (although we do have a balcony ) I am conscious that I am reluctant to return people's invites and therefore some people do think i am just not interested in being friends with them. However it sounds like that is really not an issue for this woman. It is hard, but it is no reflection on you - the fact that you have other friends shows that.

[canttouchthis]

stop worrying about what others think of you. you could waste your life away wondering why someone doesn't like you. i've been there and done that, it's a complete waste of your time. life is too short to dwell on it. move on and enjoy spending time with your true friends, you seem a lovely person. don't let people like that get you down, they are the losers here,not you.

[junglist1]

Stay away from her. She's not worth your time and is an insecure cow. I don't understand why women do this, why trample on nice people? Don't let her make you feel bad, you said you're popular and that's for a reason.

[pembslass]

Yeah she's following the herd. Sad pathetic creature. blergh

[sycamorehelicopter]

Pemblass how interesting! This woman certainly perked up when she knew other dc were coming back to mine. Almost as if she was only interested if others were. But who knows.

[pembslass]

Nah Sycamore-don't bother with this girl anymore. She already feels you to be beneath her notice-Just be a bit more standoffish with future people. OR just carry on being your lovely self and that way maybe you'll atract other lovely people rather than the dross like her

[sycamorehelicopter]

Colours are not 'in' colours [grin}

[pembslass]

On another note, when I was at school and university I was the leader of the pack-even bordering on being a total bully at school.

It's amazing how many people were desperate to be my friend back then. I think it's maybe a fear or protection thing. The more mean I was-the more people likes me

Now i'm the total opposite and I struggle with incidences like you just described which make me sad and upset

[sycamorehelicopter]

Ok so now I need to perfect a technique whereby I appear stand offish but would still really like to be invited to something! (tbh what on earth for???????????? Oh yes! To be able to turn it down )

[Chandra]

If playing the moral highground is going to hurt you, just don't play it. Protect yourself by not getting more involved in this

[Chandra]

The more you think about it, the worse it will become... Honest.

[pembslass]

I understand OP. I'd feel hurt and upset too. I think it's a reflection on human nature that there are some people who feel because friendship was offered to them so easily-it's percieved by them as being of less value. Untrue IMO, but some people are like this.

Same sort of people who crowd around the school bullies and those that they consider the alphas.

The only way to combat this is to be a bit more standoffish. I find this difficult to do though as I also tend to want to make everyone feel comfortable and cared for-especially new people.

[sycamorehelicopter]

Yes, Chandra it is, I was checking it out as a coping strategy to a (I feel) very childish situation, but the posts are right, it is better to rise above it all.

I am really cross with myself for not being able to move on and for letting it get to me like this. I would want to feel bad if I had done something bad if you see what I mean.

That is why the humiliation and mortifyingness is so intense.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

I need to know what the colours were now - am imagining purple and yellow with an accent of turquoise

[sycamorehelicopter]

No she definitely wore my colours

[Chandra]

Ok... you were doing well so far, but now is becomming a bit childish... let her go. It is worth it, honest.

Keeping negative feeling about her is damaging... to you, and only you. She may not even realise. So forgive, forget and move on.

[Theimperialcharliecat]

Its really hard to deal with situations like this OP especially if it is borne out of jealousy. I had a similar situation years ago with someone who I went out of my way to be nice to that ended up with her being outwardly hostile to me. It turned out that she had harboured feelings for my dh for years (despite being married to my dh's friend!) and was devastated when he met me as it meant they would never be together. For the record he was totally unaware of this and completely uninterested in her anyway.

I know the scenario is different, but I used to feel like tearing my face off and stamping on it after I had been rejected for the millionth time by her despite being utterly lovely to her,and it really coloured my view of myself. However hindsight is a wonderful thing and now I look back and can't believe I wasted so much energy on her!
You are the better person in this so don't waste another moment worrying about it, and cherish your REAL friends as I am sure they love you very much.

[sycamorehelicopter]

Thinking nastily is actually cheering me up no end. My dc said 'mummy you and x, y, and z are the prettiest ladies there (at work)

V being the woman causing me this grief was not even mentioned.

[sparkle12mar08]

To be honest I think you hit it in your last post - you do need to get a grip. Not in a bad way, but you are wasting your precious time and mental energy on this women - let her go. You do not need her in your life and your head. You just didn't click - so what, you have other nicer and more interesting people around you, so be polite but distant and non-committal. Easy

Seriously, let it go.

[Chandra]

Stop trying, let her come back on her own. No disapointments that way...

And as for the colours she wore in the office... perhaps it may help you to know that every year, a panel of colour experts get together to decide which are going to be the colours of next year, and next year all the stores are inundated with those colours, from clothes, to curtains, to kitchen utensils... she may not be trying to imitate your colours just wearing whatever is available/infashion/trendy at the moment.

[Binkster]

I know how you feel Sycamore. I became friends with a woman on-line about 3 years ago and we started doing some research together, met up a few times and chatted about our shared project every day. All of a sudden last year she stopped e-mailing me- no idea why, although I had a Christmas card from her, I?ve heard nothing since November- and this is someone I was chatting with several times a week. It?s very hurtful, but you should realise that you can?t control someone else?s behaviour- only your reaction to it. But I can understand how upset you feel as something similar happened to me to.

[Lulubee]

From what you have said she sounds rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful, and I think you've probably had a lucky escape!

[sycamorehelicopter]

Something inside me is very angry now for feeling this way. In some ways I want to keep friendly out of curiosity to see if she ever will be nice back.

I hate the way she has put a black cloud in my sunny garden and now my garden is grey.Right, I definitely need to get a grip, you have restored my faith in myself and she can go fk herself but I will be breezy and nonchalant around her.

I'm very pleased to hear all your responses, I'm actually not the sort to want everybody to be my friend.

The jealousy thing struck a chord as she came to work this morning wearing colours/style that she doesn't normally wear but I normally wear. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm