DH cagey about salary

[CardiffMum]

I know everyone's going to say there are trust and control issues here - and they would be right - but my husband has a very different attitude to money to me. We are married with 2 children but only got a joint account last year after our first child as I was fed up of living off my savings while I was on maternity leave. I felt asking for money was humiliating and brought back memories of my mother having to catch my dad in the right mood to get housekeeping money when i was a kid or he'd just leave her without. I came to abhor this controlling behaviour and it probably explains why i feel that as my husband and I are in a partnership we should have equal responsibility for our family money. We have both been paying a set percentage of our salaries into the joint account to cover all bills so that we have an equal amount of money in our own accounts each month to do whatever we like with. This sounds fine in theory but DH doesn't tell me when he's had a payrise, has never shown me his payslip (I have seen it though obviously) and is very cagey about any personal savings that he has. I don't even know what these are. I have never done anything to suggest that I am an irresponsible spender so he has no reason to assume that I would squander what he views as 'his' money (I am now on unpaid maternity leave). He has just been promoted and keeps saying he's not sure what his salary is. He gets an extra lump sum every year aside from his salary, for a second job which he's allowed to do in work time - I know the total for this extra amount so I asked how much was left yesterday and he said it's none of my business as that's his money. I am really uncomfortable with this approach to 'his' money - I will be working part time again from July but earning considerably less than him. He wants us to resume contributing a percentage to the joint account when I go back to work which I'm ok with in theory as I certainly don't see my earnings as 'my' money - it's to pay for things that we need as a family - but I feel hurt that he won't disclose all his finances. He said he wouldn't trust anyone with 'his' money, including me - which I know signals pretty severe trust issues and given I've never done anything to warrant a lack of trust I'm not sure how to overcome that. On maternity leave I live on the child benefit which is paid into my own account and food bills, petrol etc are paid from the joint account. DH says we should carry on having our salaries paid into our individual accounts and then transfer set amounts into the joint account because it's such a nightmare to change direct debits etc.

It may be hard to believe but we generally have a good relationship, this is the one thing that causes problems. I accept that some people are just very careful with money, but I don't like the fact that he is so cagey about it. Help.

[hercules1]

The trouble is when you talk about men like that it's as if you are excusing them cos they know no better which is rubbish. Men are perfectly capable of doing things which women do and women can have the same "quirks" too.

[sweetheart]

I think your in a dangerous situation! Mil and fil had finances rather like yours when they were married, not so much a secret from one another but more just seperate and neither really cared.

When they got divorced it came out that they had both racked up huge credit card bills without the other one knowing. When they sold their house alot of the equity had to be spend on clearing their debts.

Doesn't he have to disclose his income when you renew mortgages and things?

[becstarlitsea]

If you said 'MEN, they're so boring on the subject of football' I'd agree with you even though not all men even like football, because it's a pretty harmless generalisation.

But your DH letting you get 7k in debt while caring for a SN child isn't a little quirk, it's mean. And men, as a group, are not mean.

[bigted]

people have different views on what marriage means.

Your dh does not see you and him as a financial unit.

That does not make him a bastard.

Can you live with that?

[GoosePimple100]

I think it's reasonable to expect us to be a unit on all fronts, because that's what being married means to me.

[islandlassie]

PERSONALY I think it is ridiculous when married couples dont share their money!

Thats just my opinion.

[Maveta]

Wow it sounds like he has some personality traits I would have SERIOUS problems with. What on earth are his good points to balance it out?? They must be really good.

The thing about the bathroom and him going on holiday is frankly appalling.

What a twat.

[Blackduck]

I had a friend who said anytime money was an issue it was symptomatic of something else in the relationship.
Dp and I have separate accounts, we earn roughly the same amount, we split the bills etc. It works for us. I would hate to be in your position of having to ask - I am not a child! and as for the bathroom/holiday story, well dp would have been on the street with his stuff in bin bags. That really is a case of saying what is yours is mine and whats mine is my own.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about this - this isn't an equal partnership and he is treating you like a child...