DH cagey about salary

[CardiffMum]

I know everyone's going to say there are trust and control issues here - and they would be right - but my husband has a very different attitude to money to me. We are married with 2 children but only got a joint account last year after our first child as I was fed up of living off my savings while I was on maternity leave. I felt asking for money was humiliating and brought back memories of my mother having to catch my dad in the right mood to get housekeeping money when i was a kid or he'd just leave her without. I came to abhor this controlling behaviour and it probably explains why i feel that as my husband and I are in a partnership we should have equal responsibility for our family money. We have both been paying a set percentage of our salaries into the joint account to cover all bills so that we have an equal amount of money in our own accounts each month to do whatever we like with. This sounds fine in theory but DH doesn't tell me when he's had a payrise, has never shown me his payslip (I have seen it though obviously) and is very cagey about any personal savings that he has. I don't even know what these are. I have never done anything to suggest that I am an irresponsible spender so he has no reason to assume that I would squander what he views as 'his' money (I am now on unpaid maternity leave). He has just been promoted and keeps saying he's not sure what his salary is. He gets an extra lump sum every year aside from his salary, for a second job which he's allowed to do in work time - I know the total for this extra amount so I asked how much was left yesterday and he said it's none of my business as that's his money. I am really uncomfortable with this approach to 'his' money - I will be working part time again from July but earning considerably less than him. He wants us to resume contributing a percentage to the joint account when I go back to work which I'm ok with in theory as I certainly don't see my earnings as 'my' money - it's to pay for things that we need as a family - but I feel hurt that he won't disclose all his finances. He said he wouldn't trust anyone with 'his' money, including me - which I know signals pretty severe trust issues and given I've never done anything to warrant a lack of trust I'm not sure how to overcome that. On maternity leave I live on the child benefit which is paid into my own account and food bills, petrol etc are paid from the joint account. DH says we should carry on having our salaries paid into our individual accounts and then transfer set amounts into the joint account because it's such a nightmare to change direct debits etc.

It may be hard to believe but we generally have a good relationship, this is the one thing that causes problems. I accept that some people are just very careful with money, but I don't like the fact that he is so cagey about it. Help.

[Blackduck]

I had a friend who said anytime money was an issue it was symptomatic of something else in the relationship.
Dp and I have separate accounts, we earn roughly the same amount, we split the bills etc. It works for us. I would hate to be in your position of having to ask - I am not a child! and as for the bathroom/holiday story, well dp would have been on the street with his stuff in bin bags. That really is a case of saying what is yours is mine and whats mine is my own.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about this - this isn't an equal partnership and he is treating you like a child...

[Maveta]

Wow it sounds like he has some personality traits I would have SERIOUS problems with. What on earth are his good points to balance it out?? They must be really good.

The thing about the bathroom and him going on holiday is frankly appalling.

What a twat.

[islandlassie]

PERSONALY I think it is ridiculous when married couples dont share their money!

Thats just my opinion.

[GoosePimple100]

I think it's reasonable to expect us to be a unit on all fronts, because that's what being married means to me.

[bigted]

people have different views on what marriage means.

Your dh does not see you and him as a financial unit.

That does not make him a bastard.

Can you live with that?

[becstarlitsea]

If you said 'MEN, they're so boring on the subject of football' I'd agree with you even though not all men even like football, because it's a pretty harmless generalisation.

But your DH letting you get 7k in debt while caring for a SN child isn't a little quirk, it's mean. And men, as a group, are not mean.

[sweetheart]

I think your in a dangerous situation! Mil and fil had finances rather like yours when they were married, not so much a secret from one another but more just seperate and neither really cared.

When they got divorced it came out that they had both racked up huge credit card bills without the other one knowing. When they sold their house alot of the equity had to be spend on clearing their debts.

Doesn't he have to disclose his income when you renew mortgages and things?

[hercules1]

The trouble is when you talk about men like that it's as if you are excusing them cos they know no better which is rubbish. Men are perfectly capable of doing things which women do and women can have the same "quirks" too.

[lucygrif]

i know not all men are like that i just meant MEN - can't live with em etc etc. most men have their little quirks and it sometimes makes me mad but we still love em. it could be worse.

[hercules1]

IT's not a man thing at all.

[becstarlitsea]

lucygrif honestly, not all men are like that.

[lucygrif]

aaaaaaaaaah yes, that old chestnut. My DP is the same, zero trust and what's his is his.
we have been together 8 years and I have an 11 year old to a prev relationship. we have always contributed equally to the bills even when I had to go part time due to DS's special needs. then, 3 years ago I qualified and was earning the same as him but I wasn't reaching full potential so he encouraged me to go self employed. Unfortunately the current economic climate has meant that this hasn't really taken off but he still expects me to pay £800 bills (granted he does pay £1300 mortgage and £250 car and also has 2 business loans) but now, 18 months later I am finding myself maxed out on my credit card to the tune of £7k and no income whatsoever. I think it mean of him to expect me to borrow money to pay OUR bills when I work damn hard when the work is there. MEN!! PAH!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

seems very strange that as you dont work at moment and obv not getting a salary that you dont both share his money

you are at home looking after his/your children

dh and i have a joint account where we both put in same amount each month,and then both have seperate current accounts where the money in there is our own that we have earnt

the joint covers mortgage, bills, food and every day to day stuff

tbh dh hasnt a clue how much we have in our joint, he just puts in same amount each month and leaves me to it (tech i could empty it and not pay mortgage etc, and he wouldnt have a clue for a few months)

i see this as he trusts me - just as i trust him

i have a vague idea what he earns, he is se, and obv the more he works, the ore he gets paid, but then again everytime we go on holiday he then loses out on 2weeksw money which in the summertime is a hell of a lot

he also knows roughly what i earn

[hercules1]

I am amazed at this thread. I agree with custardo totally. I earn quite a bit more than dh but I never question when he spends what I guess would be my wages. Two joint accounts - that's it. If I want something I buy it and so does he. We are both reasonable with what we spend and agree big spends together.

[becstarlitsea]

GP - so to paraphrase your DH, he'd never be in the situation you're in because he's not capable of doing your job, and because you have abilities he doesn't have, he should have more money than you? Well, that argument just doesn't stack up does it?

He sounds mean, both with money and in his attitude to the valuable work you do.

It would be fine if you were both earning a living wage, like in Quattrocento's scenario. But you're scraping by, and he clearly has more money than he wants to tell you about.

Is your life insured? Perhaps it would be worth a trip to an IFA so that your DH can have your exact value explained to him by an independent expert ie how much it would cost to get all the work you do done by others for a wage instead of by you for free. It might be more than his salary... And you need to talk straight to him about how unreasonable his behaviour is. It is, and you know it.

[nessus]

Sorry, I forgot to say, and please bear in mind that I am only throwing this out there and could way off the mark, that maybe he is afraid that were you aware of his earnings he wouldn't be able to explain the shortfalls - what I am saying, without beating about the bush, is that maybe he is spending a whole lot of money somewhere else that he wouldn't want you to be aware of.

As I said, I might be way off mark but we all know or have heard stories of Men keeping a second family, seeing £500 escorts on a weekly basis, funding a cocaine habit or even a long-term gambling addiction.

[nessus]

YANBU. It just illustrates to me why it is so important that people make sure to find out whether they are financially compatible before committing to a relationship together.

I hope you both figure this out because I know that such a matter can be the breaking point of many a partnership.

Good luck.

[stickylittlefingers]

People deal with money in different ways, and obviously people will have different thoughts on whether a new bathroom is necessary, but I think what's important is HOW you're talking or not talking about this. You say that your relationship is otherwise good - does that mean is he a loving and giving person in other ways? Would he object to money being spend on dc?

[louloulouise]

My sister's exh was like this, it's called financial abuse. She was never privy to how much he earned and how much the household bills or his spending cost. He drove round in a brand new audi whilst she was stuck with a piece of shit 10 year old banger and was expected to cover the food expenses as well as the upkeep of said banger and provide everything for her 3 DD's and herself. When they were divorcing even the solicitor wasn't able to get to the bottom of how much he actually earned. Thank god she's with someone now who doesn't treat her like shit and they deal with everything together equally.

It's supposed to be a partnership, instead he's treating you like crap it would seem to me. Me and DH have always been well informed of each other's finances, when we first got married we had separated accounts but each had access to each others. Now we have a joint acct which all income comes into and separate accounts for day to day spends, food, savings, holiday savings and our own account for a small amount of personal spends.

I really think you should consider some sort of counselling, even by yourself if he won't agree - it might give you a bit of insight as to how to deal with him if nothing else.

[Stigaloid]

Well i hope you reitereate to him that when you sell the house that the majority of the equity goes into your savings account as you were the one who made payment on household improvements like a new bathroom whilst he chose to large it up with mates.

Sorry - he sounds like a prized idiot on this issue.

[LovelyTinOfSpam]

This thread just gets worse and worse...

I honestly can't believe there are so many men around like this, but the number of threads on here is really depressing. I just didn't realise that things worked like this any more, it's like something from the 1950s...

I honestly don't know what you can do. If it were me I don't think I would be able to stay living like that though, I really don't. I would be eaten up with resentment.

[JenniPenni]

How blessed your kids are to have you at home with them - when so many aren't (and I am speaking as a CM here!).

He's got it easy, and he knows it, and he doesn't want things to change naturally, as they are all stacked in his favour. His priorities suck I am afraid.

[GoosePimple100]

I've tried the 'how you would feel in my position' approach and he says he would have no problem asking me for money if he needed it, and maybe it wouldn't bother him. We will never know though as he earns 3 times my p/t wage and says he'd never be in my position of not earning money (only while I'm on mat leave) because he couldn't do 24/7 childcare. He says if I find being SAHM at the moment so hard I should just go back to work. Unfortunately he belongs to the 'staying at home with the kids is the easy option' brigade, even though there's no way he would be prepared to do it himself.

[JenniPenni]

'Last year we needed a new bathroom and he said he couldn't afford to contribute towards the cost and anyway he was prepared to put up with the existing, 15-year old bathroom. I wasn't so I paid for the whole thing - £4000 - out of my account. A week later he booked himself on a holiday with a friend (sports holiday, I was at home with the kids) that cost £600 and said it's up to him what he chooses to spend his own account money on and if I wanted to spend mine on a new bathroom that was my choice.'

I am shocked!!! I am so angry for you. Is it not his house too? I am sorry to say this about the man you love, but I find him incredibly selfish

[JenniPenni]

I would have a serious problem with this. When I got married it was to the man I trust 100%. There are no secrets between us, especially re money. We have a joint bank account, 100% transparency. We trust eachother, we are responsible adults.

It's not 'mine' or 'his'... it's 'ours'.

No one partner should have control over another - in anyway (physical, emotional, monetary etc.)... it's a partnership... your partner isn't your parent/employer!

I personally couldn't live with someone who didn't feel they could trust me. I think you ned to have a good chat to your hubby about this.