to not want dd in a 'routine'?

[gokwancarr]

I have a friend who has for last 6mnths since dd birth been advising me to put her into a routine. at first it was just gentle suggestions, and lending me books (not gf btw!) but when i gave the book back yesterday she looked at me very sternly and said in schoolmarm tone "you really are going to have to decide what routine you want to put her in" i was too shocked at her tone of voice to speak, but another of our friends with us changed the subject anyway.
It's not that i object to routines, i know several people that they work well for, but DD feeds 6 times a day, sleeps intermitently during the day and always always has bath feed and in bed by 7pm, usually sleeping thruogh or having one feed a night. said friend is trying to get me to cut down to four feeds at fixed times of day and said i shouldn't bf dd for the hour i feed her for at night....but it's not me that decides how long it should be!!!! DD feeds till she's full, simple as that. i'm getting really hacked off, even tearful cos she makes me feel i'm doing a crap job. surely i'm doing ok, just differently to how she would do it?

[nooonki]

I love having no routine with mine,
meant could do whatever whenever,

they slept through from a really early age, were really happy babies and put themselves in a routine that was adaptable by about 3 months.

I would gently have it out with her, or if you are not that sort of person do the 'I read somewhere that...' (cop out I know but..)

[Star1ightExpress]

No routine here, just two happy under 2s, and a happy mummy. IF something bothers me I work on improving it, otherwise I can't see the point of the effort!

Either lie to her, tell her you're happy as things are thanks or explain that there is a school of thought that suggests a rigid routine is actually dangerous to young babies!

[Pheebe]

sounds to me like your dd has her own routine worked out, one that suits her and you and I think you should thank your 'friend' for her advice but politely ask her to leave it there, you will raise your child as it suits you, not her. Really gets my hackles up this kind of thing. You child is happy, what right has anyone else to question that!

Personally I'm a routine slave right down the line (borderline ocd) and that works for us. But there are times I long to be able to just 'go with the flow'

[CupidsStunts]

tell her you think routines suck, and you prefer to be a free spirit

[Surfermum]

If you're happy with how things are, your baby is happy then she can do what DecayingDisaster said!

I was a go with the flow type and it suited us down to the ground. DD would sleep when she fell asleep, would feed when she was hungry and .... the rest I just made it up each day. I didn't do the nightime bath until she was at school (or particularly dirty and needed one) - we'd do it in the mornings which suited me better and she seemed to prefer it.

There were evenings when she'd sleep at the swimming pool as dh and I had gone to our club, evenings when she'd sleep in her buggy in a friend's dining room as we were at a committee meeting. She slept in all sorts of places. It was only as she got older that she needed a regular bedtime in her own bed.

And I can honestly say I have never had a problem with her sleep since she was 5 weeks old.

Tell her she's doing the Wan Carr routine .

[Kewcumber]

I loved routines they kept me saen. Can;t imagine caring what anyoneelse did though as long as their baby was happy and healthy. She sounds like she's decided that she'sgot it "right" and is trying to convert you!

I would just smile and say "when our way stops working for us we'll consider anotehr way"

Or alternativley as someone sugessted tell her to cock off.

[Twinklemegan]

Well I tell you what, I get really wound up by people who run their children's lives (and thereby the lives of other adults) in a military fashion by the clock. I vowed never to subscribe to that and I never have.

In our house we have no military schedule. We have do have a few routines, like bath, story, bed, for example and that is the key IMO. I am a firm believer that as long as you follow a similar sequence at key points, like bedtime, then it doesn't matter a jot if you're half an hour or even an hour late one night. In fact I believe it is much more important to have a relaxed bedtime every night, even if it's a bit late, than to rush the poor child into bed "because it's 5 past seven" horror

The exception is on DS's nursery days when he's so so tired when he gets home. On those days he has tea in the car on the way home, and if he's fallen asleep afterwards (invariably) then it's straight to bed in his clothes. If he wakes later (rare) then we wash and undress him then.

So flexibility is the key in this house, and the result is a beautifully adaptable little boy who can cope with change very well indeed.

[Twinklemegan]

Just realised MsHighwater said pretty much the same thing more succinctly. Great minds.

[solidgoldskullonastick]

I never had a routine, and it was a conscious choice to avoid any such thing. As I have always tended to live a life full of variety, the last thing I wanted was a rigidly-programmed baby who had to sleep/eat at set times. So DS got taken all over town, slept in his buggy when tired, ate when hungry - and thrived on it.
Tell the silly moo that you're doing fine, thanks, and when you want any more of her advice you'll beat it out of her.

[ShePeeTeePee]

Umm... that is a routine - and a perfectly good one too. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[TeenyTinyTorya]

I had a rough routine from the start - always had a bedtime and mealtimes, and that was about it. I don't worry if ds goes to bed half an hour early or late, it's just a rough plan, but I found it useful to have that basic structure in place.

What works for you is obviously what you're doing, and you should just tell her politely to bugger off!

[Kewcumber]

"the result is a beautifully adaptable little boy who can cope with change very well indeed." same here in the routine queen household.

I don't understand why one way is better than another. The way that works for you all is the best - no need to be scathing about routine because you don't like it - you fall into the same trap as OP's friend - thinking there is a best way.

Andat 3yrs I don;t have such astrict routine anymore because neither of us need it.

It really doesn't matter what anyone else does or thinks - they don't have to deal with your child, you do.

[elkiedee]

Agree with all those who say that you do seem to have a fairly clear routine which has evolved from what you and your baby need and works well for you both.

I was very reluctant to think about "routine" with ds but he evolved one of his own and we made some adjustments when we felt they were needed. At 17 months, he goes to a childminder, during the week who has her own planning and routines, but adapts of course around ds and other mindees as appropriate. And he also now has a strong sense of when it's time to do things - on weekend days at around 12 or so and late afternoon/early evening, and also when we get home from CM/park after CM, he starts getting out lots of plates - this means he considers it to be mealtime. When he thinks it's time to go out, which again is part of weekday and weekend routines, he gets out all our shoes.

Tell your friend that you and your friend have a routine which works for you, and that you've decided you're quite happy with that one.

[MollyCherry]

I'm with the ' off' school of thought personally.

If you are naturally a routine orientated person yourself - great - a routine will probably work for you if you want it to.

I made the mistake of thinking I was going to become a routine person when I had DD - WRONG.

Don't think I ever managed a whole day of routine as she was v. colicky and didn't sleep in the day very well. We also had a fairly patchwork system of childcare (me p/t, hubby shifts and grannies filling in the gaps) so there was no point in her being in strict routine.

I also totally lack the self-discipline required to get myself in a routine - let alone anyone else .

She's now 4 and none the worse for it. The most important thing is to do what works for you and makes you and your baby happy.

[mybabywakesupsinging]

You have a "routine" which suits you and your LO. Why change? For what it is worth, ime once eating lots of food both ds1 and 2 acquired a more definite pattern to their day...happens naturally you don't have to do anything about it...
And anyway, just when you think you have a routine they drop a nap, or teeth, or grow, or something so it is all change again anyway...
Don't be upset by her. She presumably has something which works for her. You have something that works for you and are doing great.

[sunnydelight]

Do what works for you and tell her to sod off.

I have never had a "routine" as such with any of my three and that worked for me. Others like routines. Just don't turn into my SIL who expects everyone else to revolve around her routines - we invited them for lunch (1ish)one day and she said they would arrive at 3, would eat at 3.15 and would have to be gone by 4.30 to accommodate her kid's routine. Funny enough that was the last time we asked them round.

[tryingtoleave]

Why don't you get her some books on attachment parenting, or housekeeping, or something else suitably insulting?

[ghosty]

I was obsessed by routine when DS was a baby (encouraged by a certain book that shall remain nameless) and I regret it as I wasted all that time worrying about it and not enjoying him ...
I didn't obsess about routine at all with DD - it was virtually impossible as I had a 4 year old to take to his kindergarten and other activities etc etc .... and I enjoyed her so much more ...

And, FWIW, she was a much better sleeper/much more contented baby than DS ever was so what does that say about the routine hey?

[gokwancarr]

decayingdisaster- i loved your post!! pmsl!!
everyone's replies have cheered me up, i feel i'm caring for dd's needs in a responsive way, ie i respond to the signals she gives me for hunger tirednes etc.....this is the way i set out to parent her.
what really gets me is WHY she thinks dd would benefit from a change in parenting style...obviously she feels something is not right. buggered if i know what though, dd is healthy bright and happy( apart from when she's irritable and ill )

[lizziemun]

Gok

It not whether you are doing right or wrong it is just the fact you are differently to her.

FWIW I have let both dd's find their own routine.

[domesticslattern]

The "something which is not right" is more likely to be in her head than your dd.

[gokwancarr]

i know i'm spending too much time thinking about it, but it's just not nice knowing that someone who is supposed to be your friend thinks you're not doing right by your child. I have actually crumbled 3 times and tried the routines suggested, each time dd has been upset, so have i, and she has NEVER slept through the night when i have implemented the feeding times suggested, in fact she has been so hungry that she has woken twice in the night rather than her usual 'once if at all' habit. i et her feed as often as she wanted yesterday, she only slpet for 10 mins after her lunch and she slept for 11hrs last night

[gokwancarr]

that should be 'let' and 'slept'

[Doodle2U]

Gok, your OP suggests you are using/in a routine. It's a baby-led routine and it works.

Other routines, as suggested by your mate, work for some babies but not others. Both of my children were different but we just twiddled around until we found the rhythm that suited both of them - just as you have done!