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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend has phoned after 2 years to say she now feels she can talk to me as she has had a baby

68 replies

Baysmum · 20/10/2008 21:52

I had a fairly good friend who I lost touch with after I had ds1. There was no big falling out or anything, she just stopped returning my calls. I tried to keep in touch for a while but obvioulsy had to stop once it became obvious she wasnt playing ball so I then limited it to a friendly xmas card with a basic 'how are you?' message. Anyway, she has called out of the blue today to say that she can now speak to me again as she has recently had a baby. Obviously there have been fertiliy issues which must be hard but I cant help feeling bit miffed that Im sposed to say 'oh ok, welcome backinto my life, no questions asked'. I havent had fertility issues BUT some other pretty major stuff has happened in the last couple of years where I would have appreciated a friend. Am i just a nasty old cow?

OP posts:
CherryChOpstick · 20/10/2008 21:55

You are not nasty, she is. A friend is a friend with or without jealousy.
It it was me I'd tell her to sod off.

LittleBellaLugosi · 20/10/2008 21:55

No you're not.

Sorry but she sounds like a bloody egotist.

It's one thing saying "I am so sorry, I was so fucked up/ hurting/ in pain / other that I couldn't bear to talk to you, it was my problem and I'm sorry I dumped you, will you forgive me?" It is quite another to say "Hi, my life's OK now so I'm coming back into yours".

Twiglett · 20/10/2008 21:55

nope

if she wants to rebuild your friendship she'll have to work at it and you'll have to be receptive to her

otherwise resign her and her new baby to xmas cards

ButterflyBessie · 20/10/2008 21:55

maybe not a nasty old cow, but having been there, got the t-shirt, I feel for your friend, it might have been the only way she could cope.

I suppose the ball is now in your court and you need to work out how much of a friend you want to be.

You could always explain to her how you feel and take there

Good luck

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 21:55

she has obviously been consumed by motherhood.no malicious intent by not staying in touch.

so don't read any into it

don't stew yes do say welcome back i have missed you

Hulababy · 20/10/2008 21:56

Do you want to be friends with her?

I would give her a chance. Maybe meet up and have a coffee and a chat, for old ime's sake. And ask her about things. There may have been some tough times in her life over those 2 years wheer she just couldn't face seeing friends with children.

laurz75 · 20/10/2008 21:56

You're not nasty but having been through fertility problems, I do sympathise a little with her. It is almost unbearable to see your friends having children when you can't. Having said that, I never 'cut myself off' from my friends - they kept me sane. As for your friendship, perhaps you need to ask questions and explain how it upset you when she cut herself off from you. Then you can decide if the friendship is worth re-kindling.

Aitch · 20/10/2008 21:57

i agree with butterfly... sometimes seeing friend with kids can be unbearable.

Amy78 · 20/10/2008 21:57

YANBU...she was the one who cut contact. Why should you go running back to her now that her situation has changed?

Either that or I'm a nasty old cow too!!

UniversallyChallenged · 20/10/2008 21:57

How did you respond Baysmum when she said that?

wonderstuff · 20/10/2008 21:58

YANBU but I guess it boils down to how much you want her as a friend really. Could you accept that fertility issues are really hard and she felt she had no choice or do you say no, you abandoned me for 2 years I can't be your friend? I have a mate who for no apparent reason disappears for months or years, but it is always such a laugh when we get together that I accept she is unreliable, but so what? We aren't all perfect are we?

ButterflyBessie · 20/10/2008 21:59

I take it that those showing sympathy with the friend are more likely to have experienced fertility problems or know someone who has

hunkermunker · 20/10/2008 21:59

Maybe you were totally tedious after you had DS1 and didn't talk about anything other than him and it was too much for her?

Not saying you were, but maybe it felt like that to her?

Original poster
Baysmum · 20/10/2008 21:59

I want to tell her she upset me but shes just so happy and in love with her newborn that i just said oh nevermind - it didnt feel appropriate to say anything else. Its not like me not to be upfront so its a wierd feeling!!

OP posts:
Aitch · 20/10/2008 22:01

i think thsat's the kindest response. and agree with hunk, mums are v boring

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 22:02

why do you need to drag stuff up?you didn't fall out.no acrimony just drift.dont stew

Original poster
Baysmum · 20/10/2008 22:02

I only saw her briefly once after I had ds1 and I honestly dont think I was a baby bore - I'm not really a baby person - prefer them a bit older iyswim!!

OP posts:
ButtonMeUp · 20/10/2008 22:02

I would give her a chance tbh. I found when i had ds1 before many friends we kinda lost touch a bit as the focus of my life and conversation was mainly ds1. Also i have fertility issues and although i have never avoided friends with children when ttc ds2 i can understand that it can be hard to see other people with kids.

One of my very close friends recently lost a baby after getting fifth disease in pregnancy She couldnt face seeing my me and my baby for a while although we spoek on phone ALOT. However she cannot face her other friend who has a newborn.

So i think you should give your friend another go.

thisisyesterday · 20/10/2008 22:02

well,why don't you just play it cool and see how it goes?
you CAN tell her how hurt you felt.. uit's ok to do that.
if you don't want her as a friend then, well, just don't talk to her. but if you feel like it could maybe get back on track then just see how it goes, she may open up more

thatsnotmymonster · 20/10/2008 22:03

So if she had never been able to have children she would have never again spoken to anyone who had children

Good friends of ours have been unable to concieve. Most of their friends have more than one child. We have had 3 in 3 years. We try to be sensitive about it and obviously it is REALLY hard for them but they would never consider cutting us out because of it.

spicemonster · 20/10/2008 22:04

I can understand why you're hurt but I think it can be very difficult explaining how hard it is to see mums with new babies if you're having problems conceiving.

You're not nasty to be upset. Why don't you tell her you've really missed her at those difficult times - I'm sure she'll get the subtext and you can have an open conversation and hopefully get things back on an even keel

wonderstuff · 20/10/2008 22:04

Maybe one day the time will be right to tell her she upset you, she probably knows you missed her. Go with the flow, it may not be the close friendship you had, she may have damaged that too much, but I would try to accept she has had a hard time and be happy for her, which it sounds like you are doing.

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 22:04

i dont get all the introspection and hand wringing.so you drifted for 2yr.she is offering reconciliation

you either accept or decline

AbbeyA · 20/10/2008 22:05

I should just leave her to do the contact. If she does try to get the friendship back to what it was you could mention how hurt you were, without sounding accusing.

hunkermunker · 20/10/2008 22:07

I had fertility issues and friends who had children. I realised very early on that I either decided not to have friends or I got on with seeing them.

Accept her back, give her another chance - it's nice to have friends you knew before you had children. She may be an arse in the future, in which case sack her knowing you gave it your best shot.