Well? Am i? (Warning: woman on the edge here)

[theSuburbanDryad]

So yesterday I got some child-free time to go into town and do some shopping and have lunch with some friends. I don't get to do this very often, and it was in a direct trade-off with dh's free time that he had on Saturday (a whole day to go off on a jolly into London while I looked after an increasingly stroppy ds).

When I got back, the house looked like a bomb had hit it, but I can cope with that! Dh and ds were both having a nap upstairs - a nap which turned out to be 3 hours long and meant that ds was a nightmare to get to bed in the evening - but hey, i don't even deal with bedtime, that's dh's part and I can deal with that.

Dh had done a couple of loads of washing and drying while I was out for which I was very grateful, but when we got up this morning (both needing to get to work, ds needing to be taken to nursery) i walked into our spare room where we keep the clean washing, to find a massive pile of crumpled laundry on the floor.

Previously, there had been a vague system of a pile of stuff that needed ironing, and then on the bed, folded (and the key word here is folded) piles, sorted into three for me, dh and ds. Now there is just a tangle of clean, crumpled clothes on the floor (so half of it will need washing again) - I felt like a woman in a disaster relief movie picking through the rubble trying to find some clothes for ds to wear to nursery!

So I go downstairs to get ds dressed, and look in his change bag for a nappy. There are none.

"What are you looking for?" says dh
"A nappy," says I. "There are none. The cupboard appears to be bare. Why did you not tell me you had used the last nappy and I could have got some more."
"You are always telling me we have loads of nappies," says dh.
"They are in the fucking car," says I. "Had you told me that you had used the last one, I could have brought some in with me."

Ds by this time is screaming in the sofa, stripped to his (very wet) nappy and naked, so I can't exactly run out to the car and get them. Dh is running about 10 minutes behind, I am coming to the slow realisation that rather than going back to bed after dropping ds off at nursery like I had planned (I don't start work till 10) I'm going to have to spend the morning when I should be sleeping sorting the fucking washing out.

Why does he do this? It's like he's punishing me for having time off. Obviously I'm pleased he did the laundry, but he makes everything so fucking hard, now not only will I have to fold everything, some of it will need ironing when it wouldn't have needed it previously because it had been tumbledried - and if it had been folded/hung up straight away it would have been fine.

I know he's stressed with work, but guess what? So am i! He's not the only person who has to combine work and family and life and children. He just drifts through life expecting everyone to pick up after him and then seems surprised when i erupt into cataclysmic rage. It's making me seriously evaluate our relationship - i love him very much but this is making me ill with tiredness and stress.

[pamplemousse]

SD,
Your dh sounds precisely like like mine, and the arguements you have are the same.
I think you are stressed because of house stuff (we are moving too) and money and being pregnant.
OptimistS' post is fab I think, and I took a lot from it.
I find that blokes just don't see the need we women have to have things tidy, I clean my kitchen in the mornings and by lunchtime its a tip again, often with a trail left by dp, the silver bit off the milk left by the kettle (its about 2 foot from the bin, WHY not put it in there?) the cereal out on the counter, or breadcrumbs everywhere, tea bag in the sink, again why not the bin? letters opened then put back into the envelope (i have a pet hate about this!!), the list goes on and on... They just don't get it. I find that if I talk calmy to dp he will help for a bit, I just have to remind him (nag?!) every couple of months, tedious but at least it means I don't do everything.
Its hard and I don't know your past history but maybe talking to someone together outside the relationship will enable you to talk effectively to each other. I want to do this with dp but have no idea where to start...
Anyway, I wish you lots of luck and best wishes because I really relate to your OP
PS Sorry if this makes little sense I am rubbish about saying what I mean in writing IYSWIM

[theSuburbanDryad]

Oh man...

He has just been really sick. I am worried he's torn his stitches - maybe he really was too ill to talk to tonight?

He is taking tomorrow off work and seeing the doctor. Now - how can i convince him of that?

[Yanda]

You rewash clothes that are on the floor?

Would you care to swop DH's? Mine drives me crazy with his bloody washing and folding obsessions.

[hunkermunker]

Oh, darling girl

Fwiw, I get the red mist at times like this. I frequently occasionally have massive explodey rages when the house gets too pit-like. I am serene when it's clean and tidy and less and less as it's not.

You're pregnant.

You have a young child.

You are living in financially interesting times.

You don't have outside help with chores.

If you weren't arguing, there would be something wrong with you, imo and ime!

If you can weather this bit and your finances start to look a bit brighter, you can hopefully begin to buy in a bit of help.

I recommend Allison Mitchell's Time Management For Manic Mums for help putting straightforward systems in place. And an Organised Mum diary - I have a family life book.

[kittywise]

Sorry haven't read thread but this is normal and expecting anything else is setting yourself up for a fall.

I'd be bloody pleased the washing wash done at all.

It's so not worth the stress. Gorget it and move on.

[hunkermunker]

Jeez, KW, what a depressing post!

I can't bear this "he's a bloke, you can't expect anything from him".

Why should it be that having a cock means you're incapable?

You can expect more - very definitely!

[theSuburbanDryad]

kitty - i don't mind doing the laundry, it would just be nice if he could see that it's a give and take type of thing. So - he does the bins, and I do the laundry. Seems fair?

[Heathcliffscathy]

my point precisely hunker. listen to lulu. she speaks truth.

[Lovesdogsandcats]

why would you have to wash the stuff again just because its been on the floor?

[VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm]

UD, You said earlier (albeit jokingly) about How to talk so husbands listen....
That book does work for grown men
Honestly. I use tactics out of it all the time.

I see that you've tried saying things to him and I totally get the brick wall feeling but one of you needs to take charge to fix your relationship and if you can get him to agree on outside help then great, better than great, but while your waiting for that help I suggest that both of you sit down and right a list of what causes problems, make sure no-one attacks. Agree before you start that you will both say 'I feel' 'I want' 'I need' and not you, you, you.

Write down every problem. Don't discuss them until they are all written down.

Once they have all been written down, agree, agree, agree.

If, for example, he says 'I would really like to have an hour to myself when I get in from work' don't say 'So would I!!!What do you think I do all day? Sit around playing dominoes' say 'I know, I understand that, but it's not practical, I can't do it all by myself so how about you have 5/10 minutes with a cup of tea, we can do that, but no longer or I'll feel like I'm doing it all alone, which makes me resentful'

Find a compromise you're BOTH happy with for EVERY problem and try to keep in mind that his emotions, wants and needs are just as important as yours.

Oh, and start every sentence with a 'Yes'. Positive answers. So if he says 'Can I go out every saturday for the whole day and play rugby' you say 'Yes you can go play rugby, but not every week and you can't be out all day, it wouldn't work without causing problems' rather than 'No, you can't, you can do it, but only every fortnight for three hours'.

Afterwards put the paper somewhere safe and make a date, for one week, two weeks, one months time (I'd say two weeks first, a week might not be long enough, a month too long) when you will sit together, possibly over dinner or something, and re-evaluate it all.

Good Luck.

(BTW, I do this with DP probably once a month, it works, really works.)

[SmileyMylee]

OP - you sound like me couple of years ago. My husband didn't see the mess and had no idea of how to do things 'properly' and how the tiny inconsiderate things he did added up to work for me. If he did anything he wanted a round of applause, no matter how half hearted he did it.

Eventually I decided to treat him like my toddler and train him to do the tasks properly by breaking them down into chunks and praising him when he did them.

For example if I was training him to do the laundry - I'd start off with bringing the clothes downstairs (and checking the bedrooms for clothes on the floor and slung over the bed.) Then it was sorting them into darks and colours. Then it was drying - but remembering to check the labels for things that couldn't be tumble dried. Then folding neatly. Then putting away. Gradually he built up and could do all the tasks and I can now leave him to do this task on his own (I know a grown 44 year old man can do the laundry on his own!)

I tried not to let my frustration show when he got it wrong or was too lazy. But he responded much better to a big hug and thankyou with a 'it would be really helpful to me if next time you paired the socks before putting them away' and a warm smile, rather than my previous 'why are you so lazy that you can't be bothered to finish the task properly and expect me to do it all....' etc. etc.

I also made a big fuss of him in front of MIL and my friends everytime he was in any way helpful or thoughtful.

At times I felt a bit silly and I resented that I had to do it at all. But in the end I didn't care as long as it was another task that I could cross off my very long list.

Toddlers, puppies, husbands there's not that much difference really.

[kittywise]

Ah well, I guess every relationship and expectations within a relationship are different.

Personally I couldn't be arsed with the arguing!

[QueenofAllWildThings]

They are useless. Can't do more than one thing at once. I left the children with DH for 36 hrs once, came back and the house was tidy and cleaner than when I'd left it, and he was all SMUG. YES DEAR, YOU DO THAT ONCE A YEAR - try keeping it like that for more than 2 days...

[ilovemydog]

Lists. You have to do lists

Women can run around with a million things in their head. Males tend to like to know 'where they stand..'

Lists. It works.