Well? Am i? (Warning: woman on the edge here)

[theSuburbanDryad]

So yesterday I got some child-free time to go into town and do some shopping and have lunch with some friends. I don't get to do this very often, and it was in a direct trade-off with dh's free time that he had on Saturday (a whole day to go off on a jolly into London while I looked after an increasingly stroppy ds).

When I got back, the house looked like a bomb had hit it, but I can cope with that! Dh and ds were both having a nap upstairs - a nap which turned out to be 3 hours long and meant that ds was a nightmare to get to bed in the evening - but hey, i don't even deal with bedtime, that's dh's part and I can deal with that.

Dh had done a couple of loads of washing and drying while I was out for which I was very grateful, but when we got up this morning (both needing to get to work, ds needing to be taken to nursery) i walked into our spare room where we keep the clean washing, to find a massive pile of crumpled laundry on the floor.

Previously, there had been a vague system of a pile of stuff that needed ironing, and then on the bed, folded (and the key word here is folded) piles, sorted into three for me, dh and ds. Now there is just a tangle of clean, crumpled clothes on the floor (so half of it will need washing again) - I felt like a woman in a disaster relief movie picking through the rubble trying to find some clothes for ds to wear to nursery!

So I go downstairs to get ds dressed, and look in his change bag for a nappy. There are none.

"What are you looking for?" says dh
"A nappy," says I. "There are none. The cupboard appears to be bare. Why did you not tell me you had used the last nappy and I could have got some more."
"You are always telling me we have loads of nappies," says dh.
"They are in the fucking car," says I. "Had you told me that you had used the last one, I could have brought some in with me."

Ds by this time is screaming in the sofa, stripped to his (very wet) nappy and naked, so I can't exactly run out to the car and get them. Dh is running about 10 minutes behind, I am coming to the slow realisation that rather than going back to bed after dropping ds off at nursery like I had planned (I don't start work till 10) I'm going to have to spend the morning when I should be sleeping sorting the fucking washing out.

Why does he do this? It's like he's punishing me for having time off. Obviously I'm pleased he did the laundry, but he makes everything so fucking hard, now not only will I have to fold everything, some of it will need ironing when it wouldn't have needed it previously because it had been tumbledried - and if it had been folded/hung up straight away it would have been fine.

I know he's stressed with work, but guess what? So am i! He's not the only person who has to combine work and family and life and children. He just drifts through life expecting everyone to pick up after him and then seems surprised when i erupt into cataclysmic rage. It's making me seriously evaluate our relationship - i love him very much but this is making me ill with tiredness and stress.

[theSuburbanDryad]

The worst of it is, I don't want to have to hassle him and nag him. I'm really not a naggy moany type (despite evidence to the contrary on here! ) and I know he's stressed about his job and work.

I would love to be a little perfect mum and wifey and cleaner and pick up every little bit and be really organised and him not have to do anything but lift his feet up when i hoover and do ds' bedtime. I really would. I would do that for him.

But I just can't. I don't have the time or energy.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Ok, it sounds stressful, and it sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure. But, when he starts going on about how stressed HE is, can you pause a moment, let him talk about it. And say something like "ok, that doesnt sound good, I understand you are really stressed. Can we try to tackle our stresses together, is there anything you can think of that will make you less stressed? Can I help?" Talk about it a little, then STEER THE CONVERSATION BACK TO THE DOMESTIC ARENA.

It is amazing how a little recognition of the male stress will stroke their ego and importance and make them more mellow to tackle house issues. Could you try that? Let him talk about what is bothering him, stay focused, and steer conversation back. DO NOT TANTRUM. DO NOT SULK. DO NOT fall for the temptation of starting to argue.

You think it will work?

[theSuburbanDryad]

milou - i hate flylady with a violent passion. Really, I can't stand it. I find it vacuous and patronising and incredibly insulting to all the women I know.

I'm sorry to all of you who are Flylady lovers!

I am gonna get off my arse and put some music on and do something though. Even if it's just pick up ds' sticklebricks so i don't have to walk all over them (which is really blardy painful!)

[theSuburbanDryad]

QS - a kind of How To Talk So Your Husband Will Listen And Listen So Your Husband Will Talk? (Although I'm not too fussed about the 2nd bit tbh).

Yes, that could work very well. I know I'm crappy at personal relationship stuff - it's as though because I get on with it and internalise everything i think everyone else should, when i know that's just unrealistic!

Right - this is my last post (for a little while). I am going to put some cheerful music on and make a cup of tea and be pro-active!!

[Suedonim]

On the practical front, there's no need to either re-wash or iron. Put the clean clothes back into the tumble drier for 20-30mins and then fold them. Works a treat!

[Gateau]

What more do you expect? He's a man!
At least he did quite a bit of washing. I have learnt to expect not a lot more when my DH is doing childcare as well.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Good Luck!

[theSuburbanDryad]

THW - actually think i wet myself at "slice of PAIN cake!"

Thank you for that - that has cheered me up immensely.

[LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil]

I do feel your pain - we have pretty low standards in terms of ironing etc, but I find that, as cestlavie says, DP just has very different ideas about how things should be done or when or even if they need doing.

The only way for things to happen is for me to tell him EXACTLY how I want things done, and also what things. Not just 'put the bins out' but 'please can you you put out the compost bin and the recycling box but NOT the wheely bin as it's not the day that gets collected, and can you do it before you come to bed as they come very early.'

Luckily DP is good humoured about being told exactly how to behave. Mostly because the last time he told me he was a grown up and didn't need nagging he forgot to put the bins out and we had an overflowing compost bin for a week

SUD - we don't dry up either. Clothes come off the line/airer and are piled up on the spare room bed until I get round to sorting them out. The only things that get ironed are DPs shirts. We don't shine our sink every day. Flylady is a mystery to me. Don't worry, you are not alone. ((hugs))

[VASTlargeginandbloodymary]

Poor you, i have read entire thread now.

You sound washed out and tired, pregnancy is hard. You have not a minute to yourself and your head is constantly thinking 12 steps ahead.

The laundry would tip me over the edge too, we have mountains of it in this house. I used to literally shake with rage that dh had managed to walk past the very full basket on his way upstairs. I would lug it, 3 flights and over 2 stair gates to the top floor for sorting. It would make me incandesant with rage, the solution was to simply ask him to do it.

I hate asking for help with anything, however i soon learned he just did not see the mountain of laundry and needed prompting. He was happy to help. I still have to force myself to ask but it is getting easier.

Maybe some kind of checklist would work? We now have diffrent coloured boxes for all the childrens laundry and a normal basket for us. The children carry their own up the stairs and put it away. Maybe you could have your own?

I bet when you had the baby in a dead lock on the couch this morning you were thinking i need a wee but don't have time, why are the napppies not here, what shall i dress him in and where are his shoes, have i packed all the right things (while checking weather out the window) has he eaten enough breakfast, what shall i make for tea this evening, where are my keys, what am i going to wear, must hoover the floor...

He was probably thinking [ ] not a lot

[ChloeAnderson]

Just looked at FlyLady website lmao....

[Lizzzombie]

UD - you need to go shopping. Don't care if you think you are skint. You need to feel better about yourself.

here

nice

very useful

on trend darling

Just to get you started.

Get your credit card (or, even better - DP's!) x

[LazyLinePainterJane]

There were nappies in the car? You two are shouting and f-ing and blinding at each other when there are nappies in the car?

Is he about to come on and give his side of the story now....?

[theSuburbanDryad]

Lizzz - I don't need jeans!! I have a couple of pairs of Levis a friend gave me, which will hopefully fit throughout my pg - I'm not planning to put on 4 stone like i did with ds!

LLPJ - that's not the point. The point is that if he had told me that he had used the last nappy (which he had, because he was the one who got ds into his pj's after bathtime last night) I would have got them then. If he thought a little bit more about me and ds, rather than being quite so self-absorbed (although i do understand why he's self-absorbed, i know he's miserable at work etc etc) then all our lives would be that bit easier.

Right - I have folded all the laundry, and put away ds'. It wasn't actually as crumpled as i thought - it just looked it because it was all messed up on the floor. So no need for re-washing or anything, although i have just put my sweater dress through on a cold wash and let it drip dry over the bath, in the hope that it will regain its shape (if not dh can buy me the £40 one i saw in Oasis yesterday!)

[LazyLinePainterJane]

I see what you mean about the nappies. I do. It's annoying, but it is a small thing. I think that he is having a hard time at work, per the other thread, and you need to give each other a bit of slack.

I mean, if you had just said "oh ok, never mind, you hold DS, I'll get the nappies", things wouldn't have escalated. And I know it is annoying. I would be pissed off inside. BUT...you are a team. He is down at the moment and you need to pull together and focus on the important things in order to get through this.

[theSuburbanDryad]

No, you're right, LLPJ. But it was everything on top of that, kind of a straw which broke the camel's back IYSWIM. I probably did overreact. I know that - and I texted him to apologise for it. But it's the fact that he will take no responsibility for breaking the camel's back that pisses me off. Instead he just goes on and on about how unhappy he is - which i'm sorry for but can't do much about.

i'm unhappy and stressed and tired too. I need help around the house - but even when I say to him, "Right, I'll do ALL the alundry, EVER, and you take the bins out every week without whingeing," I get crap back off him.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Not sure what "alundry" is!

Laundry, obviously.

[pamelat]

I hope you are ok. I don't know the history but you sound seriously stressed out. I think you were right to call in sick, get some rest, especially with being pregnant.

Have you considered hiring one of those iron service people? Its cheaper than a divore . I personally cant afford one as am on maternity leave, but it might help you be less stressed.

With men (sorry to generalise) I sometimes think they are better if given specific tasks. If you were to say that the job was to take the washed and dried clothes to said cleaning firm, bet he would be fine with that? (Like I say, I don't know the history)

Personally I am a control freak with the washing machine. I love washing our clothes and DH not allowed anywhere near it!! He tumble dried a favourite dress once and it would now only fit a child .

[Flamesparrow]

Erm, spending £62 when you are skint does NOT make you feel better. It makes you worry more and feel worried every time you wear it knowing you couldn't afford it.

Anyway - what was his response to the bins etc?

PLEASE go and sleep a bit

[onepieceoflollipop]

You are knackered, you are stressed (I gathered that from a quick skim of the thread)

Your dh sounds a little like mine. He does do a lot of stuff that many of my friend's dps wouldn't (hence you got a few posts along the lines of how fab he is to even think of doing the laundry). Yes, yes, I think, but the laundry was only about 5% of what you would have done that day had you been at home with your ds.

Every so often I fly into a rage few cross words and screech mention a whole long list of the stuff I do. Yes, all those things only take minutes. I shouted yesterday that if everyone else leaves those 2 or 3 minute little jobs to me (things like bringing the nappies in) all of those jobs add up to several hours of my time. I think I understand a little.

In my case I am not pg, but am up most of the night with the baby. I then get mad that I have "let" him sleep for most of the night, yet he can't be arsed to put a fresh loo roll out or dirty pants in the basket.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Flame - here is his response to the bins:

"I don't mind putting on washing and drying though, and sometimes it needs doing when you're not around."



Methinks someone has spectacularly missed the point?!

I will get an early night - promise!! Just thinking about lunch - i don't really fancy going to Maccy D's, as it turns out. Can't be arsed to drive.

[Lizzzombie]

Flame sparrow, if the "spending £62" comment was directed at me and the links I posted I have to point out that I wasn't suggesting she buy each item I linked to. Merely that maybe buying a £12 pair of trousers which fitted would make her feel better about herself.
IME I DO actually feel better about myself when I wear clothes which make me look better.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Yeah - IKWYM Lizz. But I bought myself a new jumper yesterday which is nice, and a t shirt which says "Hands off the bump"!

I do have quite a lot of clothes, we all do, but it's a matter of organising them!!

[Flamesparrow]

Sorry - am in a touchy panicking about money mood at the moment and it sort of spilled out here. I have put on weight, hate my appearance, but have no money to spend on clothes that might help. Getting further into debt just to get a bloody haircut this week.

@ the bins. DH knows I am anal about washing so just telling him he might do it wrong which is why he can't do it was enough