Well? Am i? (Warning: woman on the edge here)

[theSuburbanDryad]

So yesterday I got some child-free time to go into town and do some shopping and have lunch with some friends. I don't get to do this very often, and it was in a direct trade-off with dh's free time that he had on Saturday (a whole day to go off on a jolly into London while I looked after an increasingly stroppy ds).

When I got back, the house looked like a bomb had hit it, but I can cope with that! Dh and ds were both having a nap upstairs - a nap which turned out to be 3 hours long and meant that ds was a nightmare to get to bed in the evening - but hey, i don't even deal with bedtime, that's dh's part and I can deal with that.

Dh had done a couple of loads of washing and drying while I was out for which I was very grateful, but when we got up this morning (both needing to get to work, ds needing to be taken to nursery) i walked into our spare room where we keep the clean washing, to find a massive pile of crumpled laundry on the floor.

Previously, there had been a vague system of a pile of stuff that needed ironing, and then on the bed, folded (and the key word here is folded) piles, sorted into three for me, dh and ds. Now there is just a tangle of clean, crumpled clothes on the floor (so half of it will need washing again) - I felt like a woman in a disaster relief movie picking through the rubble trying to find some clothes for ds to wear to nursery!

So I go downstairs to get ds dressed, and look in his change bag for a nappy. There are none.

"What are you looking for?" says dh
"A nappy," says I. "There are none. The cupboard appears to be bare. Why did you not tell me you had used the last nappy and I could have got some more."
"You are always telling me we have loads of nappies," says dh.
"They are in the fucking car," says I. "Had you told me that you had used the last one, I could have brought some in with me."

Ds by this time is screaming in the sofa, stripped to his (very wet) nappy and naked, so I can't exactly run out to the car and get them. Dh is running about 10 minutes behind, I am coming to the slow realisation that rather than going back to bed after dropping ds off at nursery like I had planned (I don't start work till 10) I'm going to have to spend the morning when I should be sleeping sorting the fucking washing out.

Why does he do this? It's like he's punishing me for having time off. Obviously I'm pleased he did the laundry, but he makes everything so fucking hard, now not only will I have to fold everything, some of it will need ironing when it wouldn't have needed it previously because it had been tumbledried - and if it had been folded/hung up straight away it would have been fine.

I know he's stressed with work, but guess what? So am i! He's not the only person who has to combine work and family and life and children. He just drifts through life expecting everyone to pick up after him and then seems surprised when i erupt into cataclysmic rage. It's making me seriously evaluate our relationship - i love him very much but this is making me ill with tiredness and stress.

[nappyaddict]

you know what i would do? go shopping and treat myself to a few extra bits and pieces so i don't have to keep worrying is this clean is that clean cos i only have 1 pair of trousers for work.

[theSuburbanDryad]

I can't afford it nappy. I was stretching it to buy maternity clothes at all tbh - but it had to be done because none of my work clothes fit me.

I didn't want to phone in sick. I love my job. I've let everyone down at work.

[VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm]

I second NA. But I have to say if I knew I needed clothes Monday morning I'd check Sunday night. Sounds like you both could do with more structure and routine. Have you tried rota'd jobs?

[nappyaddict]

what size are you? i might have some stuff somewhere for you.

i got most of mine on ebay - the prices are quite reasonable.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Btw, i don;t just have one pair of trousers for work. Well, i do, but i also have a couple of dresses and a skirt, so I'm not totally lacking in the wardrobe department! It's just that i knew none of my tights were clean (because I'd seen them on the bedroom floor) and i can't rewear them dirty because of a cervical mucus discharge issue that i'm having atm (sorry, tmi i know but i'm beyond caring tbh) so the skirts and dresses weren't an option anyway.

I cannot believe I'm sat here in my pyjamas sobbing because of fucking laundry. How pathetic is that?!

[QuintessentialShadow]

Sweetheart , it seems that you are in a total laundry mayhem?

How often are you doing the laundry?
Maybe you can do the laundry over the whole week than rather on the weekend? I do one wash per day, and manage to hang and fold in between all other things? I dont iron.

Could you ensure you always buy non-iron clothing to reduce on ironing?

Could you buy on one more pair of maternity work trousers? Hennes (H&M) and Mothercare do some decent ones which are not too pricey.

I think you need a housework plan. And you need write down all that you do, with a plan for when it should ideally be done, and SPLIT it between your dh and yourselves. He HAS to help you. But if you show him exactly, on paper, what needs doing, and hang the plan up on the wall for all to see, and REMIND him, it should be workable.

[theSuburbanDryad]

nappy - 12/14 ish on the bottom and 16 on top. Will check eBay - good call.

VS - yes, checking on Sunday night would be a good idea. You're right, we do both need more structure - it doesn't help that i'm useless at it and dh is more useless. I just feel like I'm fighting this never ending battle, and it would be so nice if i could just think, "Ah, dh did the laundry today, which means that there'll be folded piles of clean laundry on the bed."

I knew he'd done the laundry which is why i didn't check - foolish i know but why should i have to police his housework?

[VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm]

You shouldn't, of course you shouldn't. But if it was the other way round (a man moaning his wife hadn't done his shirts for example) everyone would say 'he's an adult he should have checked'.
Def think it's an organisation thing though, and that as QS says it should be written down and not moved from.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

You poor thing - I feel your pain. Me and DP have had lots of similar rows conversations about this kind of thing lately.

I'm also pregnant and I think (with me anyway) that seems to make everything seem worse - you're knackered anyway, and hormones and everything just make everything seem difficult. I was telling DP yesterday that I didn't feel as though he cared about me because if he did he would stop doing things that he knows make me really stressed.

Sadly I really do think its the difference between men and women (I know that's a bit of a generalisation and not always the case) because women generally do want things to do clean and tidy and in order, whereas men can be a bit more relaxed about it and don't think its a problem in the grand scheme of things. I wish I was more like my DP in some ways - then I wouldn't get so stressed by the fact that he is seemingly incapable of emptying the cat's litter tray even though I remind him every day and he knows I shouldn't be doing it when pregnant. I still end up doing it every day otherwise it would stink!

Anyway, enough of my ranting!! Now you're phoned in sick maybe you could treat this as your day off and do something nice for yourself. Get the washing sorted so you don't have it on your mind and then go out and do something nice and relaxing for yourself because if your DH won't let you relax then you need to make time for it yourself (easier said than done I know!)

[theSuburbanDryad]

Yes, you are right. We are in laundry mayhem. Partly because we don't have enough space to hang clothes so it all gets chucked on the bed (in a vaguely organised way if i do it myself). I wash maybe once every other day and then make up the extra at weekends.

I will check out eBay for maternity trousers - but i've just remembered that my mum has made me some, so i need to go and check that they're ok and then I'll have another pair to wear, so that's not such a nightmare.

The trouble with a paper rota is that dh will feel patronised and pressured into doing things. I don't want to pressure him into doing it - I would like him to be able to see what this is doing to my (let's face it - already fragile) mental health and just help. And by "help" i don't mean just do the laundry and then chuck it on the floor and expect me to think he's gone above and beyond. I genuinely don't understand who (apart from cestlavie and seemingly every other person with a penis in the world) would think that's ok!

And on that subject - you know? I'm not the only one who has to look smart for work! Dh also has to wear smart office clothes for his job! Surely, it doesn't take a genius to work out that clothes on the floor = crumple = Not Smart? Or are men not capable of that much rational though? Does having a pair of testicles reduce the capability for rational, logical deduction?

[nappyaddict]

or even cheaper option than buying maternity clothes on ebay buy a few more pairs of tights/leggings. dp have got an offer on atm i think.

[QuintessentialShadow]

"Does having a pair of testicles reduce the capability for rational, logical deduction?"

You cannot rely on tantrums over housework to get the message across. It is not the logical and grown up thing to do. He will never see what needs doing by interpreting rants and emotional state.

An outline, on paper, on a message board, is logical. Do you have a cork board?
It is useful for a lot of things, messages, things to do, weekly plan for nursery, work, shopping trips, laundry and the like.

[BlingLovin]

What did he wear to work? I'm assuming his work shirts were also all crumpled up on floor?

I did laugh quietly at the text about "having too much on my mind" or whatever it was. DP used to do that to me. But he has learnt that I don't take kindly to that and that it's not fair - someone has to think about food, and toilet paper and money for the cleaner, and it's not fair if it's only me.

But it took me demonstrating how much I actually did for him to realise.

Now of course, he's perfect. . Seriously though, I think the fact that he did anything shows that he does get he needs to help, he just has to learn that helping does not involve doing it his way if that is just making your job more difficult.

[weenawoo]

YANBU find DH does this sort of thing - when I complain get told that he's been looking after the baby but still expects me to be able to look after DD and maintain house. Seems to think that he deserves more free time than me for some reason!

[theSuburbanDryad]

Bling - he had some ironed shirts hanging up because he has a lot more work clothes than i do (only fair - he works 5 days a week, i only work 3, and my work clothing is only seriously reduced at the moment because of my fatty status). Also he has just had 2 weeks off work through sickness (he was still working from home) so he had a stockpile of clean and ironed shirts.

QS - we need to get a corkboard but we don't have anywhere to put it. We're hopefully moving in a few weeks so I don't want to start banging holes in the walls! Seriously - my whole house is a state. I'm just thinking about the dining room table (which i haven't been allowed to touch/tidy for 2 weeks because it's been his office) and it's just a series of teetering piles of paper, with no order to them at all - old free newspapers (why doesn't he just put them straight in the recycling? No-one reads them!) mixed in with the surveyor's report on our new house and the mortgage offer letter.

I tidied up the living room on Thursday. Organised all the piles of papers, got rid of all the old post for the old tennants, organised all ds' toys which he doesn't play with anymore. Hoovered. Dusted. Now, 4 days later, it's in a hideous state of chaos again because he just can't put things away when he's finished with them. There are DVD's out of their cases, ds' clothes strewn over the sofa, shoes everywhere. How does he live like this? Seriously - this is not normal "bloke" behaviour. It's like he's systematically trying to beat me into submission by marking his territory all over the house.

(Note: I may be overreacting here)

[Romy7]

not suggesting this is you as obviously there is a fair amount of history to this whole saga, but quite often i get really pissed off at dh largely because i know i am well below the required standard myself in the housework and (particularly) ironing department.
having discovered that i am in fact a man thanks to cestlavie, i now need to go and do my ironing and attempt to claw my way back into the correct gender.
if it helps, i can't actually see any of the furniture in my living room thanks to last week's laundry saga, and at some stage today i would like to sit somewhere other than at the computer... (actually i'm working this avo so that will help lol).
oo. better make sure i've got something to wear...
honestly, nothing is worse getting this het up over. i find dh is a useful scapegoat, but in my heart i do accept that both of us have to accept the responsibility.
deep breath. camomile tea. calm down.
you're late anyway - tell them you had a ragin bout of morning sickness that came out of the blue, or a migraine, or whatever, and put yourself back together.

[theSuburbanDryad]

But you are right, QS. I do need to sit down and talk with him rationally about this. I will try and get the house to a reasonable state today and then sit down with him tonight and explain what I would like him to do - ie, help with the laundry, washing up, childcare etc.

It's just virtually impossible to talk rationally with him. He starts going off on one about self-destructive urges and how upset and stressed he is. Neither of us is very well at the moment, I'm afraid.

[Romy7]

your living room sounds like mine btw. if i tidy it one day it takes half an hour for all of us to trash it again. seriously, it's normal life, not a territorial dispute...

[theSuburbanDryad]

That's the thing though Romy. Ny standards are pretty low anyway - i know that many people would be pretty horrified by not hanging clothes up at all, and just putting them on vaguely organised piles in the spare room. I know that a lot of people would be pretty shocked by the state of my kitchen too - i don't dry up! I just let the dishes drain (we are soooooo getting a dishwasher in the new house as soon as we can afford it! )

I think most of my anger is because even though my standards are pretty low, dh manages to push them even lower and it makes me so depressed to live in a hole!

[Romy7]

no no no, not what you would like him to do - that automatically makes it critical. explain what you think you both need to do to get your lives back on an even keel.

[theSuburbanDryad]

[Romy7]

even if you mean what he needs to do...

[milou2]

Flylady???

[milou2]

Oops sorry for stating the obvious, I'd been reading the thread backwards and the flylady comment wasn't there when I started...