Well? Am i? (Warning: woman on the edge here)

[theSuburbanDryad]

So yesterday I got some child-free time to go into town and do some shopping and have lunch with some friends. I don't get to do this very often, and it was in a direct trade-off with dh's free time that he had on Saturday (a whole day to go off on a jolly into London while I looked after an increasingly stroppy ds).

When I got back, the house looked like a bomb had hit it, but I can cope with that! Dh and ds were both having a nap upstairs - a nap which turned out to be 3 hours long and meant that ds was a nightmare to get to bed in the evening - but hey, i don't even deal with bedtime, that's dh's part and I can deal with that.

Dh had done a couple of loads of washing and drying while I was out for which I was very grateful, but when we got up this morning (both needing to get to work, ds needing to be taken to nursery) i walked into our spare room where we keep the clean washing, to find a massive pile of crumpled laundry on the floor.

Previously, there had been a vague system of a pile of stuff that needed ironing, and then on the bed, folded (and the key word here is folded) piles, sorted into three for me, dh and ds. Now there is just a tangle of clean, crumpled clothes on the floor (so half of it will need washing again) - I felt like a woman in a disaster relief movie picking through the rubble trying to find some clothes for ds to wear to nursery!

So I go downstairs to get ds dressed, and look in his change bag for a nappy. There are none.

"What are you looking for?" says dh
"A nappy," says I. "There are none. The cupboard appears to be bare. Why did you not tell me you had used the last nappy and I could have got some more."
"You are always telling me we have loads of nappies," says dh.
"They are in the fucking car," says I. "Had you told me that you had used the last one, I could have brought some in with me."

Ds by this time is screaming in the sofa, stripped to his (very wet) nappy and naked, so I can't exactly run out to the car and get them. Dh is running about 10 minutes behind, I am coming to the slow realisation that rather than going back to bed after dropping ds off at nursery like I had planned (I don't start work till 10) I'm going to have to spend the morning when I should be sleeping sorting the fucking washing out.

Why does he do this? It's like he's punishing me for having time off. Obviously I'm pleased he did the laundry, but he makes everything so fucking hard, now not only will I have to fold everything, some of it will need ironing when it wouldn't have needed it previously because it had been tumbledried - and if it had been folded/hung up straight away it would have been fine.

I know he's stressed with work, but guess what? So am i! He's not the only person who has to combine work and family and life and children. He just drifts through life expecting everyone to pick up after him and then seems surprised when i erupt into cataclysmic rage. It's making me seriously evaluate our relationship - i love him very much but this is making me ill with tiredness and stress.

[dilemma456]

Message withdrawn

[theSuburbanDryad]

Flame - i need to get my hair cut too. I went into a place which was open yesterday and asked how much for a cut & blow dry and they said £40! Forty quid? For a hair cut?

I was going to go into Camden and get it done on one of the market stalls there, but won't have time now. Might see if my friend's dp can do it - he used to work in a salon.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Dilemma - did you see he shrunk my new dress? You might not thank me for it!!

[pamelat]

retail therapy is effective in moderation

I have bought DD a £3 pair of shoes at ASDA this morning, they are beautiful and it was a good hour out and about, how sad are we!

[Flamesparrow]

I think mine is £30 odd. I am desperately hoping that attacking my hair will make me feel better about myself.

Obv eating less could help too

[llareggub]

I have the same laundry issues, am also pg with a 2 year old. Th only thing that keeps me sane is to get all work outfits ready on a Sunday night, even down to knickers and tights. Mornings are a lot easier.

[theSuburbanDryad]

You're pregnant with a 2 year old!!

Why haven't they induced you yet?!

(Sorry - bad joke. )

[UmMwahahahaaaaa]

Hey, I understand your rage. Found being preg with toddler much harder than having newborn and toddler (ds now 3mths).

Here's my tuppence worth:

1. prioritise and simplify. Our house will never be spotless but we try to make sure kitchen and living room is cleared before we go to bed (one of us does it while other does the bath after dinner). And obv dh checks for clean clothes on the weekend. He does his ironing in the morning before work - we don't do any other ironing

1. be nice. being horrible doesn't get you anywhere. being nice and loving and sweet means you are so much more likely to get on with things. how pissed off woud you be if your dh started moaning about something (you knew) you hadn't done, rather than coming in and making you a cuppa? do you see what i mean? try to see the bigger picture.

but also take time to rest - being pregnant can be reeeeeeaally hard (even without toddler).

[puppydavies]

sd you both sound pretty stressed, i commiserate cos i know only too well that feeling of being buried under housework, laundry in particular.

i pmsl'd royally when i first heard about flylady, i rofled over sink polishing, but someone wiser than me pointed out that underneath the gooey americanisms it's a simple time management system.

the biggest hurdle i had to get over was that i cared about any of it, i'd always prided myself that i had many more interesting things to worry about, but once you have kids it becomes bigger than you, and if you don't have some kind of "system" (used loosely) to deal with it all it can leave you resentful and rowing i don't want it to have that kind of influence over me, which means i have the motivation to stay - to some degree - on top of it.

i found a few useful things to take from flylady. i never really followed the regime - i don't do well with timetables - but i did pick up the "just 15 mins" thing, where, instead of procrastinating, or pretending you don't care, you just do 15 minutes a couple of times a day, in 5 min chunks if necessary. overcoming perfectionism (where you don't do anything cos you don't have time to do it "properly") was another thing i got from it - you can just hoover the middles

when you move into your new place you'll hopefully have all the storage you need, and can start with a nice clean slate, if you can work out some kind of maintenance routine (between you both, with defined and agreed jobs and you giving dh detailed instructions if need be) that should reduce one stress trigger.

btw sorry if i've missed the point, if this is about bigger issues between you and dh, it's just my take on your flylady? urgh comment

[OptimistS]

There are two types of people in this world when it comes to not doing their fair share of the housework:
1.) Those who genuinely just don't see the mess or jobs that need doing around them
2.) Those who think that whatever they can't be bothered to do is someone else's responsibility.

SuburbanDryad, you need to work out which category your DH falls into.

Could be it's No.1 and the situation is just exacerbated because you're pregnant and exhausted and your DH is stressed out and unhappy because you're calling him up on it. If so, then some of the other poster's suggestions about time management and finding a way to sit down and draw up a fair and practical rota will probably go a long way towards fixing things. As has been said on here, it's important to discuss it in as loving a way as possible, with no recriminations. Sounds to me like the pair of you desperately need a break from the never-ending drudge of domestic chores and pressure of work, etc. Do you or DH have involved parents/friends who could give you a child-free night every couple of weeks so that you can just concentrate on being a couple? If you rediscover the joys of being together just because you really like each other's company, all those everyday chores magically seem less important and you're more likely to pull together to sort them out.

If it's No.2, more drastic action will be called for. At the worst end of the scale your DH could be a selfish person who genuinely believes that his needs are more important than yours. Men that fall into this extreme end of the scale are usually abusive in nature. If that rings any bells with you then laundry is the least of your problems. Or, could be he's just behaving this way because he's stressed out and feeling unloved and is so wrapped up in his own feelings that he has become thoughtless and insensitive to your needs. We can all behave like this under the right (wrong?) cicumstances. Either way, not pulling your fair share around the house, unless it's by agreement, is completely disrespectful and unacceptable, which is not to say it's not understandable. If talking things through (properly talking, not arguing or blaming) is not helping, a simple way to make your point is to do only that housework which is necessary for you and your LO. Cook only your meals and do only your laundry. If your DH lived alone, he'd have to do these things for himself while also working full time, so it's not expecting too much for him to do these things for himself while he's living with you. You have to work and do it too, as well as childcare. This can require a lot of teeth-gritting to see it through, but once the point has been made, you'll be surprised at how quickly DH starts taking an interest in the housework.

I really sympathise SD. I have some experience of this, but in my case my DP became my XP. I get the impression that it won't turn out this way for you and that you just need a bit of a respite. Good luck.

Sorry, really long post, I know. Hope it helps and aplogies if it doesn't and you've got really bored reading it.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Optimist - thank you so much for your post. I think my dh is definitely the first type. He is a good man, he tries to do his best but he just gets overwhelmed i think.

I need to be calmer. We need to talk. I will try and cook a nice dinner tonight and see if he is prepared to discuss rationally with me what can be done.

Marla - if you would like to come over Thurs it would be fabulous to see you! I'd really love it if you and ds could come. Or we could meet in Wycombe or somewhere?

[lulumama]

SUD, you adn DH are locked into this negative cycle of stress and crossness and anger at each , feeling let down and narky, that you in this alone

you need to get some outsied hlep IMO

this is about way more than laundry, the fact you have to take a day off due to being so stressed and have no clean clothes is ridicolous

ridicolous in as much as two able bodied adults should be able to sort it out

you both need to remember you are in this together, if his strenghts are not housework, you need to find other things he can do and contribute in that way. or do a rota, with jobs for each of you each day and both stick to it

something has to give and if you go on like this you will end up splitting IMO

sorry to sound harsh, but it is incumbent on both of you to sort this

if he won;t go to a life coahc, you go, if he won;t go to relate you go

learn strategies to cope or you will have to end things as he won;t change, this is not exactly the first time you have had this argument

you either accept it as it is

or

make steps singly and jointly to change things

or

end things

[Heathcliffscathy]

everyone ignored me!!!

[theSuburbanDryad]

That's because I agreed with everything you said Soph.

Well he's come home and he's too ill to talk to me, apparently. I think lulu is right, the time has come for outside intervention.

[lulumama]

listen to sophable, she is so very wise

SUD, i was not sure if my post would upset you

i am not usually so harsh

but i cannot stand to see/read about a young family imploding in this way

there is help out there, you need to sort it

pretty soon you are going to have a 2 year old and a newborn, which is a pretty hellish combination, wthout all the seething resentment, anger and point scoring that is going on

[lulumama]

if he won;t talk tonight, he needs to committ to a time PDQ to talk .

now , have you got clean clothes for tomorrow?

[theSuburbanDryad]

I do wonder if we wouldn't be better calling it a day though. But we're buying a house, i know we can be good together. It's just so hard carrying it all on my own - I want to talk, to compromise, to seek help. I just get it thrown back in my face every fucking time.

[theSuburbanDryad]

Yes - I have clothes for tomorrow. I fear my sweater dress is beyond salvage though.

[lulumama]

don;t buy a house if you are feeling like this

moving is in the top 3 of 3 most stressful life events!

you need to address what is going on with you as a couple, moving is just geogoraphy, you will still have issues, and a bigger space to manage and tidy and look after

[lulumama]

does he know how close to the edge you and your marriage are?

if you feel like you are on your own, it is not much of a relationship, although i;ll warrant he feels alone too

[theSuburbanDryad]

We've already paid out for the survey and the mortgage arrangement lulu. We stand to lose about £4k if we back out now.

[purpleduck]

I know this thread has moved on, but I am LOVING the thought of a sweater dress and suede boots......


BTW, Dryad, your dh should have done the laundry properly. Its NOT something to be happy about if he creates more work for you.

Good Luck

[lulumama]

ok, so house is a done deal

so it really is crunch time

you both have to make this work

you both have a lot of stress, both working, not earning a huge amount, DHs problems with his job, a small child and another on the way, little family support.. it is hard.

but there are better ways of dealing with it than this

for both of you