to tell my 5 year old that the much bigger child who kicked him in the stomach will be going to borstal in a few years?

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

And that he, Ds1, will be going to lovely university, and not naughty boy prison becausehe is a good boy?

The older, thank-god-I-did-not-see-him-as-I-would-have-flayed-him- boy didn't hear this. Ds1 did, and was much comforted by this idea, that horrible bullies get a comeuppance and good boys go to a lovely place where everyone has fun and learns.... was this a bad idea? In hindsight, it's a bit close to gloating, but he was sobbing and holding his tummy.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

i dont think TBGP BU as the other boy didnt hear that he would end up in borstal. but the bigger boy could very easily have been my dd1, who is prone to occassional random acts of violence. i often tell the other children that she is a naughty girl and will go to prison and i tell dd1 the same thing. i.e. "if that other boy/girl tells the police what you have done they will come and take you away to prison because thats where naughty boys and girls go"

what i disagree with is the thinking that children with behavior problems come from bad families who dont care and they will end up in prison. i care very much about dd1 and she is always punished for behaving badly towards other children. i have no idea why she does it, its usually when she doesnt get her own way.

i dont think she really will end up in prison she is a very bright little girl who is very active and confident and occasionally goes too far. i believe that she will eventually grow out of this behavior.

[nametaken]

Snowleapard - now that you mention it, I also went back to my hometown last year to find the nasty little thug who so delighted in bullying me for no reason whatsoever had had her children taken into care.

A lot of people fail to grasp the fact that this sort of behaviour is "cyclical". I mean, if your parents behave thuggishly there's a high chance you will too and your children after you.

[solo]

SDPG and snowleopard, well put.
The last soft play thing my Ds went to, he was 7. He turned 10 yesterday and I've just posed a hypothetical question to him. What would you do if you accidentally kicked a smaller child in a soft play area? he told me it happened last time he went and that he kept asking the child if he was ok. He said he tried to attract the supervisors attention but they couldn't hear him. I knew nothing about this obviously, if I had, I would've made sure the little one was ok myself and taken the child to his parent. It always looks worse with my Ds as he is 5'4" tall now, so looks about 14. He is also a soft, sensitive type who cries easily and shows huge concern when someone is hurting.

It is down to parents to teach right from wrong and good from bad as well as treating other people - regardless of age with some amount of respect. Yes there are the 'ones that get away', but largely it's good parenting that sets up good behaviour in their children. For 99% of the hoodie type 'naughty' kids you see smashing bus shelters up or picking on other kids(deliberately), what do you suppose their parents are doing? Do you think they know where their kids are or what they're up to? I very much doubt it.
My Ds doesn't roam the streets or play out at home. He knows right from wrong and has a conscience, but he also thinks everyone is his friend and would be the one left to face the music or take the blame etc when other kids caused trouble. He's soft. He plays out on my parents green in front of their house and gets picked on all the time from his so called 'friends'. I'd still sooner he was the way he is than the way they are. He told me a few months ago that one of the bullies he faces was now his friend as it had been discovered that they had a lot in common(that neither of them see their fathers and that they hate them etc). I thought ok, maybe that'll help, but no, the bully child in him is back and his attitude is most definitely one that will get him put into detention - young offenders and or prison in the future. I don't think my Ds will follow because I know where he is and what he's doing. I put him straight when he needs putting straight - I'm not waiting until he gets hauled up in front of the magistrate to set him on the right path. That's too late IMO and experience.

[sitdownpleasegeorge]

VS - yep, I couldn't agree more, that boy I met on holiday may well end up in trouble but not because he is inherently bad with "borstal in his genes". He isn't being parented in a suitable manner. The parents will probably claim he is a lovely if cheeky little chap, just a bit boisterous or over exhuberant, if he gets into a bit of trouble later in life. Other parents can see there is a distinct possibility of it happening so why can't his own ? Why is a boozy holiday meal/relaxing session in the poolside jacuzzi more important to them than supervising their child and having a positive affect on the way he turns out ?

[Blandmum]

When we were camping on the way down to conwall we stayed in a campsite with a swimming pool. My kids were in swimming, and I was sitting on the side. DD started to shout at a boy and when I investigated he had head butted ds. I asked him what his problem was and he told me it was ds's fault as he had splashed him!

He was larger and older than ds. So I loudly and pointedly asked him if he had never been splashed in a swimming pool before and he sloped off, somewhat chasened.

sadly, some kids just don't behave well.

[tigermoth]

fiofio, good article and I agree with your posts throughout this thread.

Of course what the bigger boy did was nasty, even if it was (possibly)accidental, but I still feel shocked that people feel it is ok to tell a 5 year old that borstal is such an automatic future for the boy who kicked. It all sounds far too 'fire and brimstone' to me.

And what happens if the 5 year old victim happens to do something bad at some point in the future, even if it is totally out of character? Will he then fear he now is headed for borstal too?

FWIW, my ds1 was one of the naughty boys in his class. Not a bully but generally disruptive, despite lots of attention and discipline from dh and I.

He grew out of it, to a large extent - now going into year 10, he is not one of the bad boys at his secondary school. He doesn't get into fights, hang around on street corners with gangs.

A mother who knew all the boys in his primary school class very well recently told me ds1 is now the only boy she is happy to have in her home with her own son - all the so 'good' boys at the time are far less polite and well behaved.

[Doobydoo]

Can see why you said what you said,but the other boy will probably end up as Prime Minister!
What a lovely little girl though