AIBU not to remind co-parent about parents evening.

[Peacho]

I have recently posted about co-parent not paying agreed maintenance - not a penny this year despite numerous reminders.
This week DC has parents evening at school. School shares all information via email to both of us, so if he checks his emails, he will know. I also screen-shot him a message about it last month. Last week I was contacted by the SENCO asking for a meeting this week regarding making a referral for DC for ADHD - DC ticks all the boxes. I agreed to the meeting and acknowledged that co-parent has been copied in on the email and would probably attend if possible.
I have not heard anything from him after this.
So AIBU not to send him any further correspondence regarding the ADHD assessment or parents evening. I have given up on the maintenance and considering going to cms, even though he is self employed.
DC is used to him being useless and I am so fed up of being the one who is organising everything and paying for everything for DC :(

Sounds like you are basically solo parenting anyway, so I wouldn’t bother.

You're supposed to love your child more than you hate your ex.

Put her first and remind him. If he still doesnt come then thats on him but she deserves to feel loved and supported by both parents. Be the bigger perosn for her and her future.

I wouldn't remind him, he is a grown adult, who is obviously able to run a business, so should be able to put an entry in his diary for something to do with his child. His diary is not your responsibility.

He is supposed to love his child more than he wants to punish his ex. He is capable of reading.

Also true, but there's no need to stoop to his level.

I understand this but I have 'been the bigger person' for over 12 years and he has always been the same. I have a very busy full time job and a busy household. I'm just fed up with the situation!

I never reminded my ex either. When we had a meeting at school about something the teacher mentioned him not coming. He tried blaming me saying I didn't remind him. Teacher pointed out that he received all the communication I did and that he was an adult who needed to remember things for himself.

Ok then go ahead. I guess you just came to ask for validation of a choice you've already made.

Best wishes to your daughter.

He already has all the information. Why should OP have to remind him to read it? I doubt that his input would be useful. Surely one of the benefits of no longer being married to this waste of space is that OP doesn't need to do any 'wife work' any more.

He obviously doesn't particularly care about his own child or he would 1) pay maintenance and 2) be interested and engaged with his child's education and any help that his child may need. He doesn't do those things and is obviously as shitty as a father as he was as a husband.

It's not how i would conduct myself but as I already said, OP has made a choice and I wish her daughter well.

For the kid's sake, yes. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, and if he ever ended up having to be the sole parent, every parent's evening could count (in that at least he'll know something).

But I have reminded him already - I sent him a screenshot of the information a few weeks ago.
I also have to do this with every school event - sometimes he turns up, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he says he is coming, then never shows. My DC has a phone and could also text them, but I don't like to ask them. What are your thoughts on DC sending a reminder- genuinely interested.

Thank you, this is a good point.

Part of him being your ex is surely that you’re not carrying the mental load for him. If you’re going to remind him of everything you might get as well still be with him.

I wouldn’t. Loving your child more than you dislike their other parent means making sure that they’re aware of everything and that they have the opportunity to attend everything that you do. It doesn’t mean that you have to become their PA and organise their diary for them. Presumably he isn’t illiterate? He doesn’t have any conditions that affect his ability to remember things? He can remember arrangements to meet his mates for a night out? So there is no need for you to carry him, as well as your child.

I wouldn’t send another reminder. It’s annoying when blokes do this. If it’s important to him he’ll write it down and make arrangements to be there - as I assume he manages with work etc?

No. He receives the emails. It’s not your job to read them for him. I bet he reads and reacts to his work emails right?
It’s all about priorities. He’s making his clear.
My exh used to get pissed off that he missed various events. I pointed out that he received the same emails as I do, and had access to the same shared calendar. Beyond that I won’t help. He moaned and whinged then got shamed by the kids calling him out, and other dads being surprised that he wasn’t showing up.

Tricky one. Him not paying maintenance is obviously appalling. And you really shouldn't have to remind him. But in these situations it often pays to be the bigger person.

Do you think he may also have ADHD? (I ask this as I have a recently diagnosed dc and it's cast a whole new light on my dh's foibles, not to mention my own)

Not telling him at all would be wrong, not hand holding him all the way to the appointment is not your responsibility. A consistent parent is better than an inconsistent one - even if he constantly fails to show up.

I definitely wouldn't pass the baton onto your daughter, it's not her job to try to chivvy him along to her appointments either.

Step back OP, she's old enough now to understand what he's like.

Yes if she feels up to it i would give her the option. No pressure for her as I dont agree with putting children in the middle but if he might respond better to her message then thats a good thing.

It is not your job to act as his Personal Assistant. He has the information, if he chooses not to attend that is on him. Your daughter deserves two parents who love and prioritize her well being. You can only ensure that you do your part of it. It is up to him to do his.

Co-parent was emotionally and financially abusive when we were together - cocklodger who used to put me down continuously - calling me fat and stupid (amongst other vile comments) , despite me having a well-paid job and being a fit size 10 at the time. I find it very difficult to have to continue to deal with him. I'm tired of it. It's not as if I am being malicious, I just think he is lazy and selfish. He has a lovely partner now and they have other children and I get the impression she does everything there.

p.s. I would not ask my child to send a reminder, unless she independently is keen to have him there.

Have a shared calendar that you put DC related events on? Then he can’t justify complaining to you? I wouldn’t be thrilled at having to do any reminding if he gets all the emails, and really wouldn’t want to put DC in the position of having to remind but would not want them to feel guilt or take any sulks because of future poor behaviour from him.

Dont engage. Ignore all the posters saying we should be an ex’s pa until you die. Poor boundaries. He gets the same information as you. He knows. If it was important to him he would be there.