Child calling dad's girlfriend's kid's 'family'

[Gotnosleep]

I'm fuming.

I have a 3 year old DD and I split with her dad when she was around 18 months. We share custody 60/40 (I have her 60% of the time)
We have always been amicable, tried to stay friendly and go out on days as a three etc etc. Even though he irritates me, I never show this in front of DD.

During the time we've been apart, I've had two relationships.
Have done everything with DD in mind both times regarding introducing partners, spending time together, sleepovers. Don't want people coming and going from her life. Want minimal disruption, etc.

All that being said, my ex (DDs dad) got into a relationship in October. Great for him. It's now April and they live together. Him, her, her two kids and my DD (on the days she's there obvs)
To me, that is wild. I haven't said anything to him except that's a bit quick, and he is adamant this woman is 'the one'. Funny that. You said that about me and I left you 😂

Today, my DD has said 'A and B are my stepbrothers' (Ex's GFs kids!)
I said they're your friends!
And she said 'no they are my family'
I said who told you that? And she said 'daddy'
I said again that A and B are your friends and she is very adamant that they are family. This conversation has obviously been had with her dad more than once!

Am I right to be peed off here? Should I say anything?
I'm so scared they'll split up and my DD will be left sad and confused that 'family' can just leave.

This feels ranty - apologies

but your post said “introducing to partners” as in plural?

If they get married (are they planning it?), then legally they would count as family, surely? I know a lot of people don't like step being used in unmarried families, like when they were talking about Shannon Matthews and saying the man involved should not be called a stepfather because they aren't married, but honestly, a lot of people feel that people living together count the same.
I could understand you being annoyed if you feel he's left you and has a shiny new family and wants you left out of it, so if you feel you're being excluded and your daughter is out with them all the time, I would say something, but not to her.

Yes, he’s moved in with GF far too quickly - but, is his GF kind to your DD? Is she welcoming and inclusive while DD is staying there?

I’d save the ‘fuming’ for if your DD is being poorly or badly treated by the GF.

I haven't said anything to him except that's a bit quick, and he is adamant this woman is 'the one'. Funny that. You said that about me and I left you 😂

You sound a bit jealous if I’m honest OP.

I personally think 6 months is far too quick but it’s his choice and you can’t stop him. In the situation they are in, stepbrother is probably the most accurate term. Right now they are like a family, a blended family. That might stir up difficult feelings for you but you have to put those to one side for DD.

Poor girl having to share a home with 2 unrelated boys she barely knows.

Leave the poor kid alone and let her call them what she wants.

She's only 3 so it's not like she really understands anyway.

Just be happy that she's happy.

Its very soon isn't it? Not sure I would refer to them as step brothers so soon into the relationship as it's a mess if they split up but that is what they would be if your ex married this lady.

So @Gotnosleep he said you were “his one”.. but because you left him, that’s funny?

Totally agree he’s moved in too quickly. But he has, and she’s living with other children, and far better that she’s seen as family than that they are family and she isn’t.

Is it shit ? Yes. But do you really think it would be less confusing and upsetting for her if they broke up because they were “friends” rather than “step siblings “? If she’s attached to, she’s attached and it will hurt no matter what she calls them. Plus , she already knows family leaves. You left her dad.

Calm down
i think you were wrong to correct her , a simple “ thats nice” would have sufficed

family do leave via death divorce or separation so its weird you are pretending they don't

hopefully they stay as a family, if they don't your 3 year will cope, just wish them well and live your life

What kind of ages are the two boys?

If he were posting, I would tellhimit is abad idea to move in after 6 months, but he is not. You are posting and while his decision is poor, you can make a bad situation worse, or improve it. I would choose to make my child as comfortable as possible, why argue this point?

But they are sort of a family now, it doesn’t matter that they aren’t blood. In her mind you don’t live with friends you live with family at three it wouldn’t make sense any other way.

i bet you feel sad, I know I would do! Knowing your little girl has a family with siblings and it’s ok to feel sad about it. It’s a shock but if calling these kids family helps your little girl then you’ll have to suck it up and get on with it however rubbish it feels.

I don't agree with blending families so soon, but in effect these kids are in a family setup with dd, so it's better if she thinks of them as siblings. Unless her dad is forcing her to say that.

While I agree dad has moved fast. That is what has occured and you cant change that.

Technically no they are not her step brothers as her dad and girlfriend are not married. However they are more than her "friends" so really both of you are wrong..

As dad has introduced the stepfamily information I would not comment on it and just refer to them as their names and if this relationship doesnt work out then have a conversation with your x about how soon to introduce someone. For this relationship that ship has sailed.

Anyway your daughter sounds like the most sensible of you all. "Dont be silly mummy"
I hope she got some chocolate.

I get it, OP. My husband has five former step-siblings from two former stepmothers, and he was urged to accept them as family right off the bat. He hasn’t seen one since he was ten and has very minimal communication with the others. Your ex is putting your daughter in a situation where he’s urging her to get attached to them as family, and the relationship is so new that it’s not really appropriate.

But I think this might be a fight you can’t win, because she thinks of them that way now and is being encouraged to do so by your ex. If/when he and his girlfriend break up, I’d have a talk with him about how you don’t want him doing this again with the children of any new girlfriends unless there’s some type of legal commitment.

The parents aren't married so they aren't step anything.

She lives with these boys 40% of the time, she sees them as step siblings now. Don't confuse her. I have step siblings, we have always thought of each other as step siblings from the first time we saw each other. 40 odd years later we are just brothers and sisters, step dosent even come into it. This is her life now, don't confuse it .

Generally on here when a woman decides to leave her partner people tell her how much happier she’s going to be. How the children will be happier, happy mum happy kids and all that cliche’d bollocks which people trot out.

People also tell posters that it’s ok to leave for whatever reason they choose.

Fallen out of love? “Leave. You deserve to be happy.”

He doesn’t help with the housework? “Leave, you deserve to be happy.”

He takes his mother’s side? “Leave. You deserve to be happy.”

Infidelity and abuse are of course different, but if people are going to bee so keen to keep bringing out the LTB card then they need to spell out the realities of so doing.

• if you leave you will be a single parent, and there’s a chance he will have the kids 50% of the time.
• he may get together with someone else, she will hopefully love her as a parental figure, love her children like siblings, and consider them a family.
• if they have children and you don’t then she may decide she wants to spend more time there, with her siblings.
• there will be times when she wants to be with her dad’s family and not yours.
• you will have no say in what happens at his house, which is as much her home as yours is.

When you leave you are choosing for your child to potentially become a part of a new family, including new siblings which are related to her but not to you.

You have 0 say in what happens there. And you have 0 right to correct her on what happens at his house, assuming none of it involves actual abuse.

In terms of moving in too soon, on the face of it it could be too soon, or maybe it isn’t. We all know from these situations where separated parents talk about their kids that the length of time you’ve been together has 0 impact on whether the relationship will last or not.

My DC’s father introduced the dC to his partner six weeks after they’d met and she started spending time there straightaway.

She was pregnant within nine months and moved in three months later.

They don’t like her and they didn’t like her DC, but 14 years later they’re still together, so the length of time clearly had no impact there.

My ex’s partner isn’t a nice person, and trust me you would rather the opposite, that your DD loves this woman and her kids, than have a child who refuses to spend time there, who tells you the horrible things she’s said and done, to her father, to them, about me, to her own kids.

As for it affecting your relationship with him, that’s on you.

You have another 15 years of this so you’re going to need to learn to suck it up and deal with it like an adult.

Because you run the risk that it will be you she will turn away from if you start dictating how she can act and behave at her dad’s and the kind of language she’s allowed to use.