Sen parents - how do you manage the impact on siblings?

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My 9 year old ds has adhd, dyspraxia and is autistic. He's having a really hard time at the moment, school and social situations are becoming increasingly challenging for him. As a result I try to keep weekends as low demand as possible, we usually spend it outdoors away from people where he can just decompress and run around. However I also have a very sociable and outgoing 6 year old dd. I'm usually on my own with the kids all weekend due to my dp's job and balancing their conflicting needs is a nightmare.

I feel like I'm constantly having to tell my dd we can't do things because I know her brother won't cope with it. For example she was desperate to go to a local fair last week, but I couldn't take her because I knew my ds wouldn't be able to tolerate the noise, smells and crowds.
Today she had a party and while the host was really accommodating and let me drop and run, in the 10 minutes we were there to pick her up my ds had a massive meltdown. I feel eaten up by guilt, because it's like I'm failing both of them right now.

OP says she can’t leave him alone, not even alone downstairs in the house for example.

Maybe try weekday things with your youngest in the evening when your DH is home? Swimming, bowling, the cinema even just going for a walk?

With DH working weekends, I totally get that evenings are hard as they are in my house. I would prioritise a night or two with DD.
would she also like to go to a club? It would be good socially for her and it’s something just for her.

Weekends, I think I’d still like to prioritise sometime for DD, ask for some help from family.

I would get DD put down as a young carer.

My kids are now adults, but I remember reading a book called "The other one" and it hit me hard, I tried really hard to make sure that my other son had lots of , just him opportunities. For us, it was martial arts, or hot choc and cake trips together.

Its really hard and I had to make peace with myself that I couldn't always get it right. Its not what I wanted. I suspect it will be something he needs support with when older.

My DH did have to change jobs to help more.

We tried to do some things they both could access so they had positive experiences together. We found a charity that did walking a donkey around and getting small animals.

We did a lot of things where just one parents went.

We relied heavily of friends to take him to places when we couldnt.

Signed up for young carers.

Tried not to always 'blame' sibling if another reason could be found.

It is really hard trying to balance such differing needs. My eldest has ASD/ADHD and in our case his challenges have developed and had more impact on the younger two DC as he's grown older (during teenage and now young adult years - DS is 21, siblings are younger teens). I do feel as if I walk a constant tightrope and never quite get it right. I try and give each of them individual support but the reality is that when eldest DS is struggling everything has to stop to support him.

You've had some really good advice here already OP. The only thing I'd add is that I think it's really, really important to regularly openly and verbally acknowledge to your NT children, at an age appropriate level, that you get that it's tough for them, that you understand that the ND sibling's disability has and will continue to have an impact on them, that you love and are proud of them just as you love and are proud of the ND sibling etc etc.

I definitely feel it has helped to have those regular informal check ins with DS's siblings, to just keep those lines of communication open, even if it's just a quick chat in the car or at bedtime etc. It's horribly easy to focus on the struggling child and just rely on the 'easy' child/children to adapt and get on with it.

Reponses like this are nuts.

surely the op isn’t stupid enough to not have thought of this !!?

Think you are going to have to make an effort to try and prioritise your daughter’s needs and you and your son will have to find out ways for him to process and cope in these situations. You said that he is newly diagnosed so your are probably at the start of the journey, but is he likely to be able to live or work independently in adulthood, if so it’s worth your time investing in finding ways for him to able to cope in these situations, and that in turn will also benefit your daughter.

Obviously working things out logistically so your daughter can attend as much as possible is in her benefit and you will just have to accept that fitting that stuff in will mean that your son does kick off. But when this happens don’t make a big deal of it in front of your daughter, she cannot feel like her life is making everyone else’s more difficult. There was recently a podcast on happy mum happy baby on autism and the woman was talking about how she explained autism to her younger child, so might be worth a listen.

It's kind of an impossible question when there is only one of you and they have competing needs. Young carers starts from 8 where are and I would highly recommend.

I would try to get her into a nice exhausting activity on Sat mornings! Something like dance where you're expected to drop and run, so you can take DS off while DD has a good run around. This will get her some interaction and fun without using up too much of DS's resources and she will be happier with a quieter afternoon. Or vice versa. Whatever you can find that she would LOVE to do.

Things like trips out to a woodland park with a play trail or a little farm with season tickets, so yo ucan just go for a little bit and don't have to worry about getting your money's worth.