School admissions perpetuating the patriarchy?

[Burntt]

Is it just my LA or is it normal during the admissions process to only allow one parent to be involved? I don’t see how it’s fair to refuse to share the information with more than one parent. This dumps the admin solely onto one parent…. Which is usually the mother.

How is this happening in this day and age? If parents are supposed to be equally involved they should actually be able to be so! This system dumps it all on one parent usually the mother, and then excludes the other/father who is given the ok/expectation that this life admin for his child isn’t his responsibility it’s the mums.

My LA policy is they don’t give a school place when parents with PR disagree and wait on family court. So that is exactly what happens at least in my LA. my post isn’t about parents who disagree though it’s about sharing the admin burden between parents who are working together. Im saying if parenting is equal and fair between parents then both should be able to do the admin interchangeably not require one parent responsible for it.

That is at least positive! LAs need to follow suit

Im saying if parenting is equal and fair between parents then both should be able to do the admin interchangeably not require one parent responsible for it.

But you can do it interchangeably. You can both click accept on the online portal or you could use a shared email for all child related scenarios. Only one person needs to accept the place and you've presumably used your partners details to apply so in this situation he would accept it.

You seem intent on making this a mountain when it's barely even a molehill.

I think the local authority have enough to do. If you don't want to do the admin then have his dad do the application. If both parents have to apply and be informed, both parents are doing the admin so I don't see how this set up lessens the burden, you'd still be doing the work but it would be pointlessly duplicated.

It would have helped to write a more comprehensive opening post then to garner more sympathy.

Parenting is not equal. There is one resident parent! That’s how the family court works too. This is perfectly reasonable. The application should be made from where the child resides and that’s with the resident parent. That makes sense and has done for decades!

I understand your complaint but its really not practical. The person above who suggested a shared email address for school that you can both log in to has probably provided the best solution.

yes we will now set up a child admin email address. Didn’t know this would be necessary for school admissions.

today even though I knew the email address and all the details on the application as ex forwarded it to me the LA woman was very hostile and difficult with me basically saying I have no right to the information on my son and the “main parent” needs to be the one who contacts them with questions. My son doesn’t have a main parent he has separate but equal parents. I’ve never been cut out of things before and it made me think is this what it’s like for dads?

If I’d known we needed to set up a shared email then we could have done it that way. But we didn’t know

In my experience once you’ve got past that stage, while the school send the admissions paperwork to the only contact they have from the admission form, they’ll then take both parents details and school emails go to both. We did have to specify a primary contact but that’s only so they know who to call first if they’re ill etc ( it is me but only because I’m wfh so more likely to be around).
Having a child with SEN there are very, very many things that are harder than they should be but this is not one of them. Both the SENCO and the EHCP coordinator email both of us by default, which is handy as their awful, barely useable secure system doesn’t let you forward anything.

Well you don't need to answer most parents even those who have separated manage without needing a joint email but it would solve your particular issues.

I'm not sure why you need to get in touch the LA regarding the school place are you appealing pr making a late application?

Can you imagine the politics if one parent applied and the other had the right to accept/not accept?!?! That would be ludicrous.

Making a decision to have a child together means you need to communicate over these things. It makes sense for the resident parent to make the application.

I also think parents shouldn't be able to demand two separate parents evening appointments either.

That’s my AIBU. The expectation is parenting is equal- the reality is that it is not possible within systems like this admissions one.

my child is genuinely 50/50. There isn’t a resident parent we both are

Applying for school then accepting takes seconds not even minutes, having both parents agree doubles the workload for the lea. Once you have a place at a school you can list two emails. It really isn’t an admin burden because accepting takes seconds

All children have a resident parent . It's never truly 50/50.

My son is SEN and summer born. I had a lot of questions about delaying his start/differing and she was very sort with me saying she could only talk with the “main parent”.

My son genuinely is 50/50 these children do exist

You are being unreasonable. There is only only application per child with one email address it could be either parent. LAs have enough to do without complicating the admin by having to respond to multiple emails/give separate log in details to each parent.
It doesn't mean the other parent isn't involved.
And it doesn't have to be the mother who is the point of contact

And you can’t see why if one parent (who dint do the application!) says “right we will defer the place then” so they do it wouldn’t cause issues if the parent who had applied didn’t agree?

One point of contact is the only sensible route!

Is it really such a struggle for parents to communicate with each other in the best interests of the child? It's easy enough for both of you to know the login and password for the LA parent portal is it? It's even easy enough to set up a shared email inbox that is set up to forward each email received to both of your preferred email addresses if by some chance sentences like "let's make sure we are both available on Thursday when the school offers are sent out" can't be used. It's not patriarchy for complex systems to require a single point of contact. It's the individual dynamics in each couple whether they share the burden equally or not.

There is an expectation that separated parents act like adults and put the needs of the child first, meaning they communicate and agree what’s best for the child and trust each other to act accordingly.
Unless there are extenuating circumstances requiring low/no contact (which the school/social services will already be aware of) YABU.
Ideally you need to grow up, put the child first and talk to each other like adults OR set up a jointly controlled “child admin” email account so you can both see and deal with everything that comes in

My husband and I have a joint email account for all school stuff, bills, bank etc.

If you want the LA to keep you both informed just do this.

It’s only for the LA part, application and acceptance. Once you’re allocated a school, both parents can have their emails on the contact list.

But in terms of other things (like Child Benefit) there is ‘main’ parent identified.

Other systems follow the same unless as others say, you organise a shared email for the child’s affairs.

You could also just share out the child’s admin/each child’s admin so that each parent contributes equally.

Maybe it’s a build up for me and with low admin low need kids this isn’t as obvious for others. We have been through a lot of admin for this child and we have never had duplicate information sent. It’s not been a problem previously other than having to forward it and it’s addressed to the parent or guardian so could be to either of us and with both parent in the same house it would not be weighed either way. when ex calls them to discuss they always talk to him even if he doesn’t live at the address the letter went to. They have never blocked him from making medical appointments or denied him test results when he’s called to discuss. I understand why we have to choose one address for NHS as local GP have catchment areas you don’t get choice, for the same reason I understand why a child needs one address for school admissions but to then exclude the parent who’s address wasn’t used has got my back up.

I was just so taken aback today that the LA wouldn’t really discuss my child with me and was saying they only speak to the “main parent” how can we have equal parenting between the sexes when all these systems only send information to one parent?