AIBU to ask MIL to stop bringing flashing noisy plastic toys?

[tulipsandcherryblossom]

I know MIL threads are everywhere here at the moment but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being precious or if this is actually a reasonable thing to feel strongly about. DS is 13 months old. From the beginning I've put a lot of thought into his play space. We have lovely open-ended wooden toys, rainbows, stacking rings, sensory bits, simple puzzles, instruments, lots of books, Duplo, animal figurines sort of thing. He absolutely loves them and will happily play independently for good stretches. His keyworker at nursery has also commented on how well he concentrates for his age.

MIL visits every couple of weeks and without fail arrives with a bag of VTech type toys. Flashing lights, tinny music, buttons that shout colours at him in an American accent. DS clearly finds these overstimulating and often cries at the blaring noise but MIL takes this as evidence he’s bored and needs to learn to get used to it. But I’m an adult and also find it overstimulating so I’m not surprised he does too.

I've tried the gentle approach. "Oh we're trying to keep things a bit calmer for him." She laughed and said the wooden toys are boring. I’ve tried the vague “oh we’ve got loads already, no need!” I’ve sent her his wishlist with things he’d actually love. She ignores all of it and turns up with another piece of plastic playing a tinny version of The Wheels on the Bus. I've also tried mentioning that open-ended play helps their imagination and concentration and that overstimulation can affect sleep but she told me I spend too much time online.

So am I being unreasonable? Has anyone actually managed to get a grandparent to respect this kind of boundary or do I just need to accept that the tat mountain is coming and become our charity shop’s biggest donor?

Watch the Plastic Detox on Netflix. You'll definitely not want plastic toys after that. Tell her how very harmful plastic is, especially to young children.

I'm a granny to a 3 year old. I try to keep the toy buying to christmas & birthdays. His mother is an early years teacher & he has a lot of open play toys but she also see's the importance of interactive electronic toys, especially as he gets older. Anything especially annoying (from any source) tends to end up in my home for his bi weekly visits. He has access to whatever toy he wants but currently tends to choose his dinosaurs, cars, building blocks, kinetic sand & playdough.....often all at once. Children who have access to electronic toys often end up preferring to use their imagination anyway.
Accept a few but set a limit & tell her to keep others at her home.

Vinted or charity shop. If she asks about a particular toy just smile broadly and say you had a declutter. You’ve tried all reasonable approaches.

I wouldn’t create family drama over it. Ask her not too politely, if she keeps doing it just resell them/regift them. Won’t be long before they’re too old for those super annoying noisy toys anyway. Time will pass quickly.

I don’t necessarily think there is anything wrong with the toys you describe and to be honest you sound a little uptight. Musical/noisy toys aren’t going to ruin his sleep. And are you sure he isn’t picking up on your reaction to the toys? If you are tensing up, frowning or grimacing he is going to sense that.
If be more concerned if she continued to try to push a toy on my child if he clearly didn’t like it. But rather than dismiss them out of hand can’t you leave them in his play area and let him explore them if he wants to? If he shows no interest then fine, donate them to charity. But if it will make mil happy to see her gifts available to him, then I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

I was clear with our family: no toys that have lights or make noises. End of. Not allowed.

You're not being unreasonable but you do need to tell her outright. The gentle approach doesn't work on MILs!

Send a message explaining that any toys like that will be sent straight to the charity shop.

I will take plastic toys anyday.

Wooden toys bloody hurt when dropped on your foot or thrown at you.

Save up all the unwanted toys and donate them to the Salvation Army or a Christmas toy appeal?

My MIL did this... the most annoying, loud, colourful, cheap toys possible.

But so what? At that age they don't really remember things if they don't see them for a little. so just let MIL be happy in giving them, and then you just "put them away" in a cupboard when little one is asleep. They don't remember it the next day. Keep it in the cupboard for a while, and then at some point later you charity shop/throw it away.

I never felt the need to say anything. She was being nice, and she loved her grandson. It isn't worth causing a rift to their relationship or ours just because he style of toys was different to mine. Let her be generous.

The toys are in the cupboard so if she comes back around and says "where is that thing I bought!" you don't have to cause any family drama... but equally after a while you can just get rid of it, and if she ever asks? "oh it broke..."

By the time your son is old enough to remember things he has been given for long periods, he will be old enough to have to deal with flashing toys/plastic, because he will see it in other places (play areas, clubs, friends houses etc.) so by then it becomes a non-issue.

Also.. just removing the batteries goes a long long way for some of these toys.

Her child isn't having fun with these toys though so there is no fun to 'police'. He finds them overwhelming.

We had the same issue with a family member but it wasn't worth trying to stop them buying the stuff, it would just come across as rude. So we just put them in the cupboard after they had left. We all hated the noisy plastic shouting colours toys, DC included. Eventually they made their way to the charity shop. FWIW DC much older now and still have incredible concentration and I do secretly pat myself on the back at not spoiling their brains with that crap!

It’s your DH who needs to say something to MIL to guide her, not you. There are no prizes for DILs who have difficult conversations with MILs.

Honestly, I'd not worry too much about this. Happily accept them, keep them till she leaves, remove the battery as soon as she is on the drive, and then your child can play without the light or noise and just tell her you've no spare batteries next time she is there or that the speaker bit got broken. Or if you dont want them messing with your aesthetic (more likely imo) send them to the charity shop immediately and say they got broken "that's the problem with these cheap, modern, plastic tat toys isn't it" you can smugly say. My FiL hasn't really ever bought my kids anything randomly, it's sad, I love the idea of a generous grandparent rocking up with things. I know it's annoying but it's coming from a good place.

Alternatively, if it's a hill you want to die on, and a boundary you want to set, tell her firmly that they can stay at hers for him to play there, but they aren't coming in your house and also DS doesn't like them. Tell her any she leaves at yours will immediately be sent to the CS for another mother to deal with. Then follow through. But be prepared to be viewed as a real battle axe. There's no nice way to do this, I don't think.

Without being an Internet psychiatrist, it is a bit odd these singular toys make your son actually cry- they're not that over stimulating, my son is autistic and has massive sensitivity to noise especially, but he was absolutely fine as a small child with a plastic tat vtech noise - they're not actually very loud (although they are tinny and annoyingly electronic sounding), the volume is quite low and they're designed for kids. I'm surprised he has such a dramatic reaction (and I know you'll be tempted to say "it's because he's only known peaceful wooden toys" but I really don't think that's the reason because as soon as you're out the front door into the world and at nursery, there are noises, flashing lights, stimulation etc). So either you're so uptight he's feeding off your emotion and that's stressing him out, or he's having a really strong reaction to them himself, which is odd, or you're over emphasising his reaction for effect/your own needs.

At the age of 50 I am still sore that I was never allowed a Mr Frosty or a Simon! Don't be so uptight and be grateful that your child has a grandparent alive and interacting with them 🙄

I don’t know why he doesn’t like them but he doesn’t. It’s not a full on deregulated cry but he looks overwhelmed for a bit then as the blaring continues he gets fussy. And some of them are very loud to me at least. The idea that his toys are peaceful is also funny. He has a few stainless steel bowls he loves bashing into the ground which is very loud, jangly bells, throwing all his toys from the shelf to the floor - his play isn’t quiet just because the toys don’t make noises by themselves.