AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

I would tell them if/when they ask, but that's because I wouldn't know how to start a conversation like that. Presumably they will have some questions when you leave your husband.

It's also quite probable that they know more than you think they do.

But it did come up last night. They were basically blaming me for making a scene. H was sat there too with a grin on his face.

I was struggling not to say anything.

Ah, I see. I didn't realise your husband was there too.

I would tell them when you have left and are safe.

Yes, if they were blaming you for the argument, I think it's reasonable to give some of the back story. But as pp says, better to do it when you have left and are safe.

So you are still married but planning to get out? Wait till you are free. And now they are adults they will form their own opinions- sounds like ds already has.

It would be part of the discussion about the end of your marriage and of your ongoing relationship with them once you have left and are safe. Absolutely not while in the house and he’s there.

as others have said, they will be aware, and indeed are now adults.

you says women’s aid are helping? Why are you still there? Do you have any other support network?

It's a very long story, I do have support from my family. I am working on leaving, seeing a therapist etc.

I want to leave but the DC still live at home, I could t afford to house them, I don't want them to lose their house. It's a big mess

Wait, so you’re still with a man that was violent toward you what 15-20 years ago and you’re still with him? You don’t need to “work on leaving” you need to actually leave and your children are old enough to either contribute to the house you all live in, or move out. You can’t really complain to them or tell them their dad is abusive when you’ve chosen to stay with him all these years.

I don't think you should say anything while you are still living together, I am afraid. I know it must be hard to leave but that needs to be your priority.

Yes, don't know if you have ever experienced domestic abuse but I was frightened to leave.

I know I should have gone there and then but didn't have the strength.

He never physically assaulted me since, just emotional and financial abuse. It has taken me a long long time to see it.

This. I was all for you being honest, to a degree, but you’re still married to him, all these years later! It would be awful to tell your kids right now, they’d feel forced to take sides and would have some very difficult emotions about it all, which would be hard to work through while still all living together. Besides that, it’s a precarious situation to out yourself in while living with an abusive man. Be honest once you’ve left, tell them then.

Do they see their father? What’s their relationship like with him? What happened in the argument that your son remembers so clearly on the aeroplane?

What happened in what sounds like a pretty horrific argument on an aeroplane?

I wouldn’t say anything until you have left and are safe. Also your children are adults and unless there’s SEN or other issues then they would be able to sort their own living situation out. Don’t stay just for that reason or you’ll be there forever.

Yes I have and perhaps that’s why I feel so frustrated when people stay. If you’re too afraid to leave how are you not too afraid to out him to his kids while you’re still living with him? It makes no sense. I left when mine were very tiny, I’m talking pretty much newborn and a toddler. I didn’t even have a paying job at the time. I had nothing and I still left, so can you.

Also I completely agree with a poster upthread, it sounds a little like you’re casting around for reasons (or dare I say, excuses) not to leave by saying about not feeling able to put your children out. They’re 23 and 21, they’re not 16 and 18, they’re more than capable of sorting their own living arrangements, assuming no extenuating circumstances!

I'm not making excuses, they are both at uni and living at home. Rents are crazy where we live.

I am making steps to go, I am waiting for the economic people to get back to me to discuss finances etc.

@HippeePrincess I'm glad you had the strength to leave, well done.

I have been abused by every man I have been with, I was just worn down

Sounds like the aeroplane argument that your children remember was a pretty awful display of behaviour from you that they remember so negatively.

Unfortunately when you’re being psychologicall abused , it takes a mental toll on you, plus the physical abuse, sadly she reacted to the abuse and not knowing the full picture they remembered that. Unfortunately some of these men are conniving narcissistic arseholes and seem to get away with it and make themselves look all rosy and the real victim the bad guy. 😢

Thank you x

My DD doesn't remember. She had a terrible upset stomach on the way home.

My FIL insisted that they were ok to drink the local water, not bottled. The hotel staff told me they shouldn't. He continued to give it to them and my H refused to pull him up.

I was quite angry, yes, but not screaming my head off