AIBU to be super upset MIL kissed baby with a cold sore?

[KLDL]

I went to my MIL’s house today with my 5-month-old. She has always been quite OTT with the baby and has crossed boundaries before – for example turning up at our house with a cold and still holding the baby when I said I wasn’t comfortable, and even when baby was only 6 weeks old she came over with obvious cold symptoms, wore a mask incorrectly and still insisted on holding her. When baby was born she also told the whole family before we were even out of hospital, despite my husband asking her not to.
Anyway, today we went over for lunch. As soon as I arrived she said she had a cold, and I could see she also had a scabbed cold sore. For context, cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV-1), which can be extremely dangerous for babies – in rare cases it can lead to serious infection affecting their skin, eyes, or even organs, and can be life-threatening.
I pointed this out before she held the baby and specifically said please don’t kiss her because of the cold sore. She seemed horrified and reassured me she wouldn’t.
An hour later she tickled the baby and then kissed her tummy. I wiped it when she wasn’t looking but didn’t say anything (which I now regret). Then about 10 minutes later she kissed her properly on the cheek. I immediately challenged her and she just looked confused and said “yes, why?” I reminded her again about the cold sore, took the baby back and wiped her face and skin.
On the way home I noticed baby had scratched her cheek and had a small cut, which has really worried me in case anything could get into it. I took her straight home and washed her.
MIL has early dementia / mild cognitive impairment. We would never leave the baby alone with her anyway, but she does get annoyed when I take the baby back to change or feed her as she feels it takes away from her time.
I feel really upset and honestly don’t want to be alone with her anymore as I don’t feel comfortable enforcing boundaries, especially when she either ignores them or forgets them. My husband is supportive, but we’re also aware that even if we explain things again, she may not remember due to her condition.
AIBU to feel this strongly, and how would you handle this going forward?

It’s really tricky as it does sound like she’s struggling cognitively so I’m sure it wasn’t intentional….but obviously you have every right to be upset. I think you might have to be a bit more hardline in future and if she’s poorly then just don’t take her round, or at least don’t let her hold the baby. I feel for MIL a bit because she sounds confused and I know how much joy my parents/PIL get from bonding with my DD so it is very tricky to navigate.

I would call gp first thing in the morning and try and get her anti viral mediator so she doesn’t vet very ill

when I said I wasn’t comfortable,

Start advocating for your child (and yourself). Say no and mean it.

No, you cant hold the baby, YOU HAVE A COLD SORE. No you cant hold the baby, you have a cold. No dont pick up the baby, you are not well, maybe next time, she will have nanny cuddles soon.

Her discomfort and upset isnt trumped by your babies health.

Definitely not. I read a horrifying story where a toddler lost his eye because of a cold sore.

Let your DH handle it all going forward.

I think you need to take responsibility here. You know about your mother in laws condition, you know she will forget.
If she has a cold, cold sore, whatever, then she's not holding the baby. Just say, sorry, not today, we don't want her to get sick. Next time. Then change the subject.

You can't expect someone with dementia and cognitive impairment to always make the best judgement when it comes to those things.

And get DH on board. You are both responsible adults, you should be able to handle this.

You are right to be upset, but as she has dementia you need to be monitoring her interactions much more closely and remove the baby if she’s got a cold etc.

You absolutely are right to be concerned about cold sores near baby.

MIL is unreliable (poss due to forgetfulness who knows) and therefore you need to manage the risk. I would FaceTime before a visit and cancel if she has a cold sore.

If she has dementia she won’t remember your boundaries.

you/dh either need to be totally on it and watching her or she doesn’t see the baby

Your MIL has a disease affecting her memory. It's deeply sad. She no longer has sufficient cognition to remember instructions/requests in the short term.. Therefore, you have to manage interractions between MIL and her grandchild.

Your baby is five months and their immune system is now developing. The NHS website is clear that risks are highest during the first six weeks. It would be helpful to have some data about how many <6 week babies and how many older babies have become very ill due to a kiss from a person with a coldsore. You also noticed the sore had crusted over so I imagine your MIL's was less, if at all, contagious than a wet cold sore.

Obviously your MIL shouldn't have kissed the baby, but your MIL has dementia which is a significant MH disease. You need to have some patience in relation to your MIL rather than presenting her as a sick, negligent elderly woman that you clearly dislike. Your MIL can't manage her actions, you can. If a visit is planned, get your husband to find out in advance if your MIL is unwell with a cold, etc.. If so, don't go and your DH just says KLDL and me decided it was unwise to bring the baby whilst your have a virus, etc.

This is a tricky one because of her cognitive impairment but it really has to stop! Kissing a baby with a cold sore can be fatal or cause all sorts of life changing issues for your child. The virus can cause severe infections and multiple organ failure! I think on this one you have to be upfront and tell her she cannot hold the baby if she has a cold sore or a cold!

I disagree completely, she has a right to advocate for her child now and moving forward.

It's not a tricky one. Protecting your baby's physical health is more important than protecting your adult relatives feelings. Doesn't matter what congnative difficulties the adult has.

The priority is baby. If you see her with a cold or cold sore I just wouldn’t even hand baby over. Don’t set down rules in advance just keep saying them in the moment. So if you go round there and she asks to hold baby say “no sorry not today Jean, you have a cold sore” and then carry on chatting. She might ask again if she forgets, but just keep saying it. If she gets upset, take baby for a walk round the block and let your husband deal with her

You need to advocate more strongly for your child and stop putting your own social hang-ups first.

An adult with active herpes on their face should not go near a baby with their mouth, particularly when someone has had the foresight to warn them first. Regardless of the underlying reason, it's clear she cannot be trusted to care appropriately for your baby. So you either be more forthright with her or stop seeing her.

This is perfect. As the parent of a child hospitalised as a baby from contact with the cold sore virus you can’t take risks. My DC fully recovered but it was awful, feeding tube, weight loss, very ill

He should take the lead because it is his mum.

Don't let her hold the baby if she's ill or has a cold sore.

Its really dead simple.

Yes it's sad she has the beginnings of dementia but you manage her disappointment the same way you would if a child wanted to hold the baby. Not today, it's not safe while you're ill. Next time.

And then take baby away so not to 'tease' MIL.

It’s a ‘tricky one’ in the context that MIL doesn’t have the mental capacity to assess the risk involved.

"Ah sorry mum your granddaughter is gravely ill. I could have prevented it but it's my husband's mum so he needed to say something"

You know that your MIL has dementia.
You are picking that she wore her mask incorrectly….that you felt as though you had to remind her to not kiss baby….you didn’t say anything after she kissed her stomach and then allowed her to hold her again???

Its safe to say that YABU as you shouldn’t have put baby in that situation…..
as soon as she came with a cold…..out they go! As soon as you saw her with a cold sore…..no way would she be holding my baby.

Dementia is very complex in certain situations….she acted on her natural instincts…but could totally forget the infection transmission of a cold sore.

There is a difference between taking the lead and letting him "handling it all moving forward" which is what you said before and why I commented.

Every woman has a right to advocate for her baby, whoever it may be with. We are not absolved of responsibility because it's our MiL, and even more so as MiL has dementia that will only progress and therefore more likely to forget or ignore boundaries set by her son when he 'handles" it.

Yes that is exactly what I meant 🙄

I said the DH should take the lead. Try reading.

YANBU to be upset but the woman has dementia, you do need to take more control of the situation in those circumstances. As others have said, speak to the dr in case they suggest meds