Should I accept a gift from my mother if she wants to exclude my DH from it?

[giving]

My mother has come into a largish inheritance and wants to pass some of it down to me for IHT purposes (she has taken advice).

She has relatives abroad that have suggested a good property investment. She likes the idea of this property because we can also use it as a holiday base near her family. Her gift would not buy the property outright, but would fund the deposit with the rest needing a mortgage. Neither she or I work, so my DH would need to apply for the mortgage and for the mortgage to be in our joint names.

My mother is keen to avoid my DH having any claim on the property for a number of reasons, mainly she doesn't like him very much (lots of reasons) and she is worried that we may divorce because we row a lot. FWIW, this is unlikely in the foreseeable future.

My mother has taken legal advice and has come up with an "off-shore trust" method of ownership whereby she and I are the Trustees/owners but my DH is still liable under the mortgage. She doesn't want to tell him that he won't be a Trustee, and he thinks it will be a gift towards our future pension. My mother has said that she will act as an unofficial guarantor of the mortgage so that we won't lose any money or go into debt. Therefore it should be risk free for my DH but obviously he is excluded from any benefit as well.

Is my mother entitled to do as she likes with her money or is this using my DH and opening up a can of worms for the future?

Honest feedback please.

[Quattrocento]

It seems spectacularly unfair to insist that the money your husband earns is family money, and money from a mother is hers and hers alone.

I have to say I wouldn't put up with that attitude. I would feel exploited. And rightly so.

[Beetroot]

tbh - I think your mother is right about your relation judging by the fact that you are even thinking about this.

[peacelily]

I think this is unfair of your Mum tsh, your dh could enc up with the responsibility of a mortgage without any of the benefits.

I'm afraid my Mum can be a bit like this, she thinks me and dh will (should) divorce, we argue a lot. My mum tries to manipulate this.

A family friend left me £5000 when he dies 3 years ago, somehow my Mum managed to control me getting it although I did eventually. She then lost it with me because I spent it on moving house costs/dampproofing etc. "That was supposed to be YOUR money darling" she's done this before tried to give me money then control how I spend it. It's a horrible toxic situation to be in.

[TotalChaos]

No. As this particular arrangement involves conning your DH and is fraught with potential complications. A genuine no strings attached gift to help you escape your marriage - fine. But this arrangement has all the hallmarks of a future disaster.

[cupsoftea]

unreasonable to not tell your dh the truth of the matter - why not put in a savings account in your name?

[nametaken]

I only read the OP but I think arrangements like this are quite common now, in order to ensure that family money is kept within the family and not diluted by divorce.

I'll probably do similar for my dcs when they are older.

[onelittlelion]

The gift bit is fine.

But I think if you turn it round and the op have been tricked into paying for yrs (in the future)towards a mortgage for a property they would never own and had ben told would be their security in old age etc wouldn't everyone tell her it was awful and she had been exploited and to get out fast.....

[QuintessentialShadows]

If I was in your position, I would tell your dh exactly what your mum has planned.

Be straight with him. Tell him your mum wants her money to be kept in "The Family" in case of divorce.

If he for this reason refuses, I think you know where your marriage is headed.

If he says "no problem, I will work with you on this as I think a holiday home for all to use is a splendid idea, and I have no intention of divorcing you anyway" Then you also know the scope.

But the fact that it never occured to you to be straight with him speaks volumes!

On a personal note. I have been with my dh for 15 years, married for ten. It has been turbulent, but we have always been straight with eachother regards to money. Our house is in my name. My "deposit" was 75% of the value of the house, we took at a mortgage of just 25% property value, the mortgage is in my name, he has signed a waver that he has no claims to the house (barclays demanded this as he was not on the mortgage), but he helps with the mortgage repayments.
Because at the end of the day, it does not matter, it is OURS regardless whose name it is in and we both knows this is for the greater good as we are all benefitting, and we have no plans of divorcing.

So, if you have concerns regards to the state of your marriage, do not enter into such an agreement, your mum will have to find a different way to get a holiday home. Can she remortgage her own home? Can she do a buy to let mortgage on the overeas property? All she has to do is find out the rental income and the rent will pay down the mortgage, or pay the interest if it is an interest only mortgage.

But if you think your marriage is solid, or can have a chance to survive, talk to your dh, you may find that he is ok with this, simply because he has no inclination to split with you and see this as a way of the entire family benefitting.

[nametaken]

OK now I've read the whole thread and I think that both you and your dm ABU. And deceitful. Surely your husband will find out the true facts when he tries to get a mortgage on the property?

[ssd]

you'll either get to keep the money or your husband

and going by your op you'll eventually choose the money

anyone with a happy marriage would never consider duping their dh like this

[QuintessentialShadows]

I would also urge you to check the facts about this financial advisor your mum has got. Anything related to off shore trusts and foreign properties would need to be thoroughly checked. You should get your own legal help in any case, just to ensure you are not conned. Both of you. Would be a pita to lose your marriage, and your money, and possibly be in debt to top it all.

[Quattrocento]

I agree with you QS. The point about trusts is not who the trustees are. The point is who the beneficiaries are. Apart from the duplicity in the OP, there is a level of financial/legal naivety that is worrying.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"My mother has taken legal advice and has come up with an "off-shore trust" method of ownership whereby she and I are the Trustees/owners but my DH is still liable under the mortgage. She doesn't want to tell him that he won't be a Trustee, and he thinks it will be a gift towards our future pension. My mother has said that she will act as an unofficial guarantor of the mortgage so that we won't lose any money or go into debt. Therefore it should be risk free for my DH but obviously he is excluded from any benefit as well

I wouldn't normally go along with something like this but I haven't had a very happy marriage and my mother is angry with my DH for a number of reasons"

I feel sad and angry on behalf of your husband, you plan to commit him to a mortgage yet have legally sewn it up that he has no financial gain from the property. Your mother is unlikely to act as guarantor if you split and he'll be lumbered paying for something for the next x years he wont even own. Not to mention the fact that he believes meeting these payments will secure his retirement.

I'm all for joint finances in a marriage but his takes the P!!

If you can be that horrid to your husband and father of your children then I would hate to be your enemy.

[ssd]

totally agree happymumofone

she'll end up with the cash and her dh will end up with someone else who might (hopefully) treat him better

[spicemonster]

You want to trick your husband into paying for a property which he won't have any legal right to?

How Machiavellian

[giving]

Quattro, my mother has been told that Trustees have full power over a Trust including when and whether to give money to the Beneficiaries/sell the property and such like. But I will ask her to check this out as the draft Trust Deed has myself, DH and our children down as named beneficiaries.

The question of loyalties is very apt. I do feel at the moment that my loyalties lie more towards my mother, children and birth family rather than my DH. The morally correct thing to do would be to leave the marriage, but I don't feel ready for such a big step yet and am a bit of a believer in staying together for the sake of the children.

It's not a good situation I know.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Well, Giving, what you have to consider is the following: This situation you are creating now is one that will stay with you for years to come. You are not just decided on buying curtains, but on financial commitmens which will last long into the future. Your children will grow up, and you will be the mother of adult children in the same way as your mum is to you. Your children will have a mind of their own, and consider what they will think of a mother who has treated their father in this manner.

By all means, live as you intend to go on, but the long term consequences of this is far reaching, and one day your children will learn about your deceit, the lies you are spinning and the trickery. Your mum may be long dead by then. But what will your own children think about YOU 10-15 years down the line if you go ahead duping your dh? What you are doing may secure the financial future of your children, but to what cost? The discovery that they are direct desecendents of con artists to use a strong word? Can you take the fallout of the moral implications of this?

[edam]

Tbh, I don't see how it is workable if your dh has a mortgage on the property. He'd own the mortgaged bit, wouldn't he? A mortgage is a charge on the house. Banks and building societies don't lend money without having legal title to the property. After all, if dh didn't pay the mortgage, the lender would repossess and you'd only get what's left after they've sold it and paid off the mortgage.

[LIZS]

I'm confused now - if dh is on draft as a beneficiary, do you plan to remove him without hsi knowledge at last minute or allow him a financial interest after all ? if your mother's legacy is so large can she not buy the property outright adn just name each of you on deeds ? Will he be allowed a mortgage on a property over which he has no rights ?

[LIZS]

posts x'd edam - thinking alike !

[QuintessentialShadows]

Actually, is it only "your" part of the inheritance she is planning to use as deposit? Will she put any money towards this herself? If you say no to this scheme, you will get no money?

[nametaken]

And there is no such thing as an "unofficial" guarantor. Either you're a guarantor or your not.

[nametaken]

What a thing to think about on Fathers Day

[giving]

I am worried about the moral implications of all this which is why I am posting. And very grateful for the advice and opinions.

Legally, the way it works with the Trust Deed is that on completion myself and my DH are the owners (for mortgage purposes). Then an "Addendum" takes the property into the Trust of which only myself and mother are Trustees and DH effectively signs away his rights of ownership. I think my mother is hoping that he will not look at the papers too closely. But he's not a fool, so I think it could create a lot of problems.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Can you clarify the following:
Who puts up the money for the deposit?
Who pays the downpayments?