Should I accept a gift from my mother if she wants to exclude my DH from it?

[giving]

My mother has come into a largish inheritance and wants to pass some of it down to me for IHT purposes (she has taken advice).

She has relatives abroad that have suggested a good property investment. She likes the idea of this property because we can also use it as a holiday base near her family. Her gift would not buy the property outright, but would fund the deposit with the rest needing a mortgage. Neither she or I work, so my DH would need to apply for the mortgage and for the mortgage to be in our joint names.

My mother is keen to avoid my DH having any claim on the property for a number of reasons, mainly she doesn't like him very much (lots of reasons) and she is worried that we may divorce because we row a lot. FWIW, this is unlikely in the foreseeable future.

My mother has taken legal advice and has come up with an "off-shore trust" method of ownership whereby she and I are the Trustees/owners but my DH is still liable under the mortgage. She doesn't want to tell him that he won't be a Trustee, and he thinks it will be a gift towards our future pension. My mother has said that she will act as an unofficial guarantor of the mortgage so that we won't lose any money or go into debt. Therefore it should be risk free for my DH but obviously he is excluded from any benefit as well.

Is my mother entitled to do as she likes with her money or is this using my DH and opening up a can of worms for the future?

Honest feedback please.

[WinkyWinkola]

A gift is a gift. It shouldn't have any conditions on it.

You married your DH and whether your mum likes him or not, if you choose to stay married to him, your mother should support you and not try to create and 'us and him' scenario. That is what she's doing. It's very controlling.

I'd politely refuse the money.

[chonky]

I couldn't accept it - no. I think it would be good grounds for divorce for your dh if you did, where's the trust and sharing in that? If she really wants to give you the money why not suggest it goes into trust for your dcs? It could pay for education/ Uni, deposit on their first house etc. - which is also a gift to you IYSWIM as you won't need to fork out for these things.

[saywhat]

simply put this is disgusting and no matter how unhappy a marriage i was in i would not do this. DOnt you have any morals? values? how would you feel if this was the other way round and you came to find out about it? It will most likely finish your marriage off, i know i would walk if i found out say my husband and MIL had planned this...doesnt marriage mean anything anymore

[Twelvelegs]

I think she's really sensible, but you will need to be honest with DH. Perhaps you could come up with an agreement so that he gets whatever he put in back? If it were my children with the divorce rate as it is I'd be tempted to do something similar, maybe a little more upfront that didn't require using a spouse.
Can you imagine him using this with his new wife? (should it ever happen) Or his new children having claim to it should he pass? All very distant and unlikely but possibilities!!

[ScienceTeacher]

Not sure what the laws are here, but I remember when I was living in the US, hearing this kind of scenario being discussed on the radio.

There, if you are distributing gifts to your family so that you avoid inheritance tax, you cannot dictate what the money is used for. If you have any control over the money, it doesn't count as being given away.

[giving]

Thanks again, all very helpful.

Re Zookeeper's comment, my mother has been told that an off shore trust would be excluded from any divorce over here which is partly why she likes the idea of buying abroad.

Chonky, my mother would like to make the children the beneficiaries but she is also worried that I have no form of pension so she wants the option of me being able to use the income from the property in my old age (and her and I being Trustees allows her to keep the options open ie a Trust for the children if I have enough to live on when I am older but a pension for me if I do not).

The foreign mortgage company won't allow her to be the official guarantor as she is too old.

[ajandjjmum]

An arrangement like this belittles your husband and devalues your marriage. I think you mum is out of order to suggest it.

Sorry.

[Weegiemum]

I could never do anything like this to dh.

4 years ago he inherited a 1/3 of his Grandmother's estate, but it was always "our" money. I also was left a generous amount by an old family friend - that too was "our" money.

I suppose I would ask myself where do my loyalties lie. Because I feel mine shod lie with my dh, not with my mother, once I am married.

[Quattrocento]

This sounds utterly ridiculous IMO. I mean fine for her to sort something out in trust for you and you alone to benefit but what on earth is this plan for your (unsuspecting) DH to sign up to a mortgage application? It's absurd.

This made me think about the property mechanics. Why would you need him to apply for a mortgage? I hear that you say you have no income and neither does your mother, but then again how are you planning to meet the repayments in such a way that it is risk-free for your DH? If it is by rental income (ie by renting it out to other holidaymakers) then why can't you apply for a buy-to-let mortgage?

It seems totally unfair and financially it has no logic for your DH to be inveigled into signing up to a mortgage like this. If I were him I wouldn't do it. A mortgage is a financial liability. All he has is your mum's say-so that she will pay the bills.

[onelittlelion]

It wouldn't be so awful if you weren't asking him to pay for something he would never own. That's a con! It's what con people do?

I understand your mum wanting to protect you if anything gos wrong with your dh but this doesn't seem a way of doing that? It's not really a gift?

I think you are being put in an awkward position as I'm sure you want to make your mum happy too but I do think that if you take a step back you'll see it's wrong. In fact you are posting hers so your gut feeling is prob that it's not right?

[edam]

I think you have to be honest with your dh about this. However, the money that will pay the mortage is not dh's, it is yours, plural. If you are a SAHM and he works, that's joint family money. And the same if you both work.

Don't trick your husband but don't equally don't forget you are as entitled to spend the family money as he is! With agreement between the two of you, of course.

What's more, he is getting some benefit from this, as he'll be taking holidays there. It's not like you and your mum are going to refuse to let him through the door.

However, it does sound bloody complicated. I'd be tempted to get my own legal advice to check out all the implications.

[hercules1]

My mother was able to use her inheritance (of which my father knew nothing about) in order to escape a 20year old very unhappy marriage. I can understand why your mum wants to do this but cant use your dh in the plan like this.

[Dottydot]

Nooooooooo! It's such an outrageously bad idea I can't believe you're even contemplating it. There's just no way you should be thinking about tying up your dh in this without his knowledge - that's a marriage breaker if he ever found it - and maybe that's what's on the cards anyway if you don't feel you can say no to your mother and back up your dh?

[edam]

Btw, when dh, then my dp, and I first bought a flat, his father made sure the inheritance dp was using was protected - if we had split up, dh would have had that money back. I was slightly insulted but could see the point.

[Quattrocento]

There's something seriously strange in plotting with your mother to (not to put to fine a point on it) con your husband.

"He thinks it will be a gift towards our future pensions"

That's seriously out of order. I mean SERIOUSLY out of order.

Has this form of plottery been the theme of your marriage? If it has, then is it a contributory factor to its rockiness? What are the issues that lead to this level of financial mistrust and skullduggery?

[QuintessentialShadows]

So, let me get this straight. Part of her inheritance will fund the deposit your DH takes out a mortgage and pays the downpayments of this mortgage, but he will not have any share of the ownership, your mum will.

So, hypothetically speaking, if the deposit is 30% of the property value, and your dh is funding 70% of the property value, he is literally giving your mum 70% of the property value + interest?

I dont see that your mum is helping either of you here, she is milking you.

[Scramble]

How much does she want to give?

[Quattrocento]

Edam, your post is rich with irony:

"However, the money that will pay the mortage is not dh's, it is yours, plural. If you are a SAHM and he works, that's joint family money. And the same if you both work."

Oh, so if he earns it, it's joint money. If she is given it by her mother, then its hers alone? What????

Absurd, all of it.

[edam]

Btw, do check what happens if you mother re-marries - you could end up with some new man waltzing off with the money leaving you and dh high and dry. Which would be some kind of poetic justice given how mean your mother is being...

[edam]

No, that's not what I said! Family income for a couple is joint money.

[sophiewd]

If it is an asset in your name then if you and your DH ever get divorced he will still be able to claim for it.

[Quattrocento]

So why isn't the money she could be given by her mother joint money?

[QuintessentialShadows]

I know of one other poster with such financially devious mother, and the mother even came on here and spread lies about her daughter. I hope you and her are not the same poster.

And if you are this particular mumsnetter, I urge extreme caution, as you know where your mums scheeming has led you in the past, and you also know your mum is part of your marriage problems, and I know what a hard time you have standing up to her. Please dont do this. And I am sorry if I hav got this wrong.

[edam]

Because it's her mother's money. Thinking about this some more, I do treat any gifts dh is given by his mother as 'his' - if he wants to spend it on joint stuff, that's fine, but it's his decision. Ditto my mother - if she gives me money, I get to decide what it's spent on. But AFAIK we don't hide it from each other - I know what dh is getting and he knows what I'm getting.