So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

I completely disagree with this. If her DH is loving and supportive he will stand up for her properly and not roll over to his mother. The woman has done something appalling and hurtful, she doesn’t get to paper over it and refuse to talk about it. If her son allows that for an easy life, then he is neither loving nor supportive, he is cowardly and disloyal. And “violated” is a perfectly appropriate word for OP to use when she’s just been viciously insulted by someone she’s generously hosted in her home for years. Don’t belittle her feelings.

You are not unreasonable. It's not that you MiL sent such a comment to the group chat but that she made it at all. How dare she make assumptions about your DH and you being a burden. Stupid woman.
Your DH could have been a bit more supportive but it's his DM and he probably knows she is totally socially inept and incapable of understanding how rude she has been.
Next time invite the dog, and leave out ILs!

She sounds like a nasty bitch.

Also, OP has made it clear that she knows she has weight issues, and is planning on addressing them in the near future.

There is absolutely no excuse for what her MIL posted about her, calling her a burden because of her weight, that is just plain and ordinary mean, spiteful, cruel and horrible.

Violated is a bit strong. Deeply hurt and insulted are more appropriate. OP's MiL is a rude woman who is incapable of understanding that she has been well-hosted and looked after. OP's DH probably knows this.

I would just message MIL myself and say that as she has now shown what she truly thinks about you you will no longer be hosting her or having any relationship with her at all. She can make arrangements directly with her son to see him in his own from now on.

You have done nothing wrong. Now you don't have to do anything at all.

The next move is hers - and I'm sure she knows it. Just gently withdraw and disengage. You don't have to prompt a showdown with her or your DH. Just handle yourself with quiet dignity in the knowledge that you are in the right.

Anytime your husband tries to open a casual discussion about his parents, keep your answers short and civil ("They've booked a holiday to xx" - "That's nice."; "They've invited us to spend a weekend with them." "You go.")

She is probably mortified (and rightly so) that you saw her true self. Let her sort it out. But if she does reach out with a genuine heartfelt apology, accept it and move on.

Wow! That's an absolutely shocking thing she said and I can completely see why you are upset. It's nasty, and then to not apologise is absolutely horrible. However, I'd take the positives and see 2 of them - firstly your DH clearly loves you and she acknowledges that, secondly you never put yourself out for her again. If DH wants them to stay you're in a hotel and you don't need to prep for it, if he wants to go to see his parents, you don't have to go. After doing all the hosting work (and lets face it we know most of it's been on you) and to receive those shitty comments. I'd be furious and would not be doing anything for her again - she has definitely shown her true colours.

There is no way I’d have that woman back in my house unless she gave I fell and meaningful apology which I felt was genuine. Family members are supposed to be supportive - there’s enough vile individuals in the world without needing any more in close proximity.

Well that would VERY low contact from now on. No staying in my home. And your dh needs to have a long hard look at himself. He absolutely owes you loyalty and should be giving his mother a proper dressing down. 💐

I'm sorry. That's horrible. Your worth and value is not your weight. And I doubt very much you are a burden to your DH. It was a mean comment.

Personally I'd be responding to her message and telling DH unless there is a very sincere apology he will be travelling alone to visit them in future.

I’d do this too! How dare she think she can just shrug it off.

Kindly, OP, yes you are being sensitive. You can’t change how a person thinks or acts. She has an issue with overweight people - many, many do, but most wouldn’t say it to your face. And nor did she, it was mistakenly sent to the group chat when it should have been a private conversation. You can’t make her feel differently about your weight. You need to work on your self esteem and understand why you got so upset. You said you’re comfortable with your current weight and you have decided to wait to work on your health, so why be upset about someone else’s opinion?

And your DH tried to talk to his mum who didn’t want to talk. Nothing you can do there, certainly don’t blame him for all of this. Putting the call on speaker was a bit OTT. Just trust he will address the issue with his mum and leave it at that. As long as you are happy with yourself and your relationship is loving and respectful, get on with your life and leave narrow minded people to theirs. Upsetting yourself over this only serves to make you feel worse.

I say all of this as a very overweight person myself who has had awful things said to and about me. I’ve worked hard to tune out the voices of others and find peace within myself. I hope you feel better about it all soon.

Your MIL is clearly well practiced in avoiding accountability and your husband has learned the same. She will bide her time until she feels safe enough to carry on as though nothing happened. If you let it slide you will build up resentment.

Call her yourself and if she doesn't answer send a message in the same group chat making it clear that you will not be moving on from this until she has addressed what she said with you and stick to that.

Although, clearly she doesn't respect you, even if she's previously been polite and I would only seek an apology on principle rather than expecting a better relationship to form. Now you know what she is about, I would tell your husband she's his responsibility for entertaining from now on.

You’re not being over sensitive. That’s horrible. MIL is a mean spirited, judgemental bitch. Clearly she has form from what your DH has said and he pretty much normalises it. Understandably it hurts that he doesn’t have your back. You can’t make him though, just like you can’t make your MIL apologise or take accountability. What you can do is do what’s right for you. Don’t visit them, be away when they visit and leave your husband to host. Strong boundaries OP. What she said was unacceptable and you won’t be exposing yourself to her toxicity going forward. That’s fair. And good for your wellbeing. Don’t compromise for your DH or MILs comfort. Learn to have your own back xx

Hi OP, I understand that you are upset.
I am unsure how much weight you need to lose but I appreciate that addressing such matters with someone is very difficult to navigate.
Also, the more weight there is to lose, the harder it is.
Please excuse me for stating the obvious but in worst case scenarios, very overweight people become more dependent.
Your MIL's actions were wrong and you have every right to be upset.
Please use the opportunity to embrace some healthy weight loss.
Take care OP

She is nasty for not being absolutely mortified when you told her you'd seen the message. Not apologising is awful. Anyone can make a tactless comment thinking it's in private, and that is bad enough, but not being apologetic and feeling awful for it really shows her up. Your H is not helping either. He should make it clear to her that she needs to apologise. I would not be lifting a finger for her in the future. She is a nasty two faced horror. Do you think she sent it to the wrong chat on purpose? At least you know what she truly is now.

Thanks for this common sense response

Seriously? The OP has said that she works, has hobbies, hosts guests well obviously, and keeps a nice home. There is no way her weight is making her a burden. She also said she is making plans to deal with it. Are you her MIL?

I don’t know why it still surprises me that the obesity Puritans descend on threads like this to preach at the OP while she’s upset and vulnerable. It’s pure wickedness and evidence of just how disordered their thinking is. The drive to moralise at fat people is so powerful that all human decency and empathy just flies out of the window 🤮

No, this isn’t an “opportunity” or a “wake-up call”, and OP’s MIL isn’t “concerned”. This is a spiteful, mean-spirited woman who has been caught out being cruel about her DIL, and OP is not overreacting.

The OPs mother in law didn't just comment on her putting on a bit of weight... She called her a burden.
That's not just judging sometimes body.

bad enough she sent this sort of message, but supposed to have gone to dogsitter.

Does she know that you have seen the message? I would acknowledge to her that you have seen it, make her uncomfortable. This is a her problem not a you problem, no one would probably be good enough for her little boy 😦

Yes, it's a nasty spiteful woman having her nasty behaviour excused, because the OP is overweight.
OP can lose weight but her MIL will always be a nasty piece of work.

This really isn’t about OPs weight. My BMI is 19 so I have no skin in the game.

It is about being nasty, disrespectful and rude about someone who has shown you kindness. If OP wasn’t overweight then MIL would have just picked another perceived flaw.

MIL is vile and OP would be totally justified in going completely NC with her.

That's a really shit thing to say, and for you to have to read, know that this situation says everything about her, and nothing about you. You can only control what you do, not what she does, so as Michelle Obama said 'When they go low, you go high'. Be polite to her, be gracious to her, but never invite her to your home or host her again. I agree with your husband that there's little to be achieved by asking for an apology - if she genuinely feels regret for what she said, she'll be in touch with you. If she apologises as a result of being asked/told to, they will be empty words that won't mean anything and won't change anything in the future.

If you want to say anything further to her, do it yourself, not through your husband- and call her- that way it's much harder for her to deflect or avoid, and it also means it's not putting a wedge between you and your husband. Stay absolutely calm and say that you found her words cruel, extremely hurtful, that you are sad she feels that way, and that she's been discussing you with her friends in such a manner.

Don't apologise for yourself to her, especially not your weight. You don't need to defend yourself in this situation- you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Control what you can- come up with a joint plan with your husband of what you do going forwards- does he go to visit them in future on his own, would you be happy to meet them halfway for a meal say, would you be up for visiting them in the future and they can host, or would you both prefer to steer clear of them? It may depend on whether she's forthcoming with an apology, but I wouldn't tell her that.

Then channel your anger at her to motivate you in the new year...

Good luck, you sound lovely and absolutely undeserving of such unkindness...