To dislike my child

[JungleQueen]

My son (5) has always been highly energetic, running before he was 1. He has an amazing personality, able to befriend anyone, fun to be around, playful, intelligent and head strong. This is the side that alot of people see but my husband and I (40) along with close friends and family often see a different side. He can be very aggressive, angry (rarely cries), taunts us and his brother (3), screams and talks excessively loudly, wants to break everything, has no sense of danger so runs off, climbs, hits us to get a reaction, or slow repetitive kicks till we break, smirks when told to stop, doesn't care if we're annoyed or frustrated, wont eat dinner, can't sit still, runs circles round the lounge, will rarely play or be calm.

Alot of what he does is repetitive until one of the 3 us gets to breaking point. Well continually ask him to stop, talk about how it makes people feel, provide consequesces, time out, non of which helps. Hell only stop when we've cracked and yelled.

For context, our 3 year old is the complete opposite and so we've noticed more recently just how much more difficult our eldest is.

We've always been told oh hes 2 that's what boys are like, and then oh hes 3 its fine and, hes 4 hes only young and then hes 5, he'll grow out it.

He also gets load of attention, one on one when we take him to clubs separately, out for bike rides etc and way more solo attention than his brother does.

Husband and I are utterly exhausted, theres no let up and were mentally drained. His personality makes it so hard to like him most of the time and its not enjoyable being with him. For that we feel like the worst parents ever.

Tonight I was putting him to bed and he said he hates me, I wasn't allowed to talk and couldn't be with him. Trying to get him to bed was a challenge, kicking me, fighting, trying to bite, smacking his head into my collar bone as I tried to hold and calm him down. Then when he was calm he slowly tried to bend my fingers back to see when id tell him to stop. I ended up just crying and for that he laughed at me but he did stop when he realised how upset I was. After putting him to bed he came down and shouted, 'I love you, dont cry'. I then put him back to bed.

It's like he only stops with extreme reactions from us. I'm exhausted, tired and feel like I want to run away for a break.

This sounds hard 😕

What is he like at school? Have they raised any concerns about his behaviour?
It may be worth speaking to them about it and see if they have any suggestions.

Although your post says he gets one to one time etc. It does sound like he is craving attention. Did this start after his brother was born?

I would start with a conversation with school and possibly the GP or health visitor to try to get some support.

Initially school was really hard but hes been getting better as the months go by. He's always been hard work and so i dont think its got worse since his brother was born but I worry that hes picking up the fact that his brother is easier to handle. This makes me sad as I dont want him to think hes second best.

School are aware and we discussed ADHD although its too early to assess and they don't think he displays any of the usual symptoms. GP is a good shout, we've been wondering whether to discuss with them as we just dont know what to do.

Thanks so much for responding

Is he young for his year? 4/5 was the worat year for us. My son is a summer baby and in retrospect was just not ready for school. He has huge tantrums and meltdowns. He's throw stuff at us down the stairs, tell he wanted fo kill us etc.

The main cause I think k was tiredness m. He's a ball of energy and just can't stop. He has fear of missing out and getting him to bed has always been a nightmare. He still doesn't go to bed early. But when he turned 6, he just grew up. He has his moments but he is delightful now. He also has a 3yo sister.

He sounds very similar to our 5 year old (like you we also have a 3 yo boy who is less energetic)
I always say from the day he was born he has exhausted me 😅 he never settled as a baby & was always hungry. He was the most restless toddler, always running off. He's still the same now but has a bit more sense thankfully. He doesn't stop from morning to night though , he refuses to go to bed. I really fear that he has adhd, constantly jumping and climbing.
He is a complete charmer and funny man at school, to family etc. Everyone loves him. I do worry about his attention at school.
They have said it is an issue but are not worrying too much yet. I've no advice but offering solidarity from one exhausted mum to another!

You love him but you don't like.his behaviour, you don't hate him.
I bet he can sense your dislike and that's what he is projecting by yelling he hates you... he doesn't hate you either obviously but he clearly needs a lot of imput.
Have you thought about increasing the positive feedback with him, almost love bomb him.

Hes either neurodivergent, or he needs someone to take control. When he's running around etc, what would happen if you grab him, put him on your lap and help him to slow down/regulate his breathing and heart rate?

Thanks ladies. This has already made me feel better!!

Yes hes the one of the youngest in his year. I really do hope that as he gets older hes settle a bit more

He is asking complete charmer and people adore him its just we find his energy, lack of inabitions and unawareness of feelings, hard. We do deep breathing exercises, punch the pillow when angry. I'm a big beliver in working through emotions so we've been regulating him for years and he can articulate when hes sad, angry, hurt but can't always say why.

First time posting, so ive not idea how to reply to people, but to the last comment- he will calm down down if we regulate him but sometimes he gets angry with my techniques and tells me to stop telling him to take deep breathing!

Why did you let him slowly bend your fingers back?

He was calming down so I allowed it. It didn't hurt but it felt like he was testing me to see when id day stop.

Im all for big feelings are fine, but i do think kids need to learn young you are always responsible for your behavoiur regardless of how you feel.

If he has toys downstairs, id look to arrange his room into a "chill space" books, teddies, beanbags all the exciting stuff id keep downstairs. And then when he was physically aggressive, id just say we dont hit/bite/scratch in this family put him in his room and walk out for 5 or 10mins. And then try again (obviously id only leave him be if there wasnt a risk of him hurting himself) and ask about his feelings, if he wants to talk, get a cuddle. That angry is ok, hitting isnt.

Emotional regulation is difficult and you can't do it for him so id just give him a safe space to calm down and try again

Does he play any sport? With you, his dad or a club? I have 2 boys (now young adults) and always needed to run around loads most days. Both joined the local football club aged 5. Both did Scouts and other sports/physical activities with me and their dad. Boys have a lot of physical energy that needs channelling positively.

My son is exactly like this. We get on great, but he’s bloody hard work & is relentless. He likes to get a reaction, by pushing things to the limit. He does it at school & with Granny.

He can go on all night & has never gone to bed early. Nothing fazes him, he’s uber-confident, with kids & adults. Other parents give me the side-eye, but I’d honestly love if he just sat down!

Tbh that's mixed messages, you are a parent and there to morally guide, you lead the way, tell him no we don't do that it is unkind. He sounds sweet for worrying about hurting you, sweet and confused as he is 5!

You can't hate your 5 year old, honestly do no t do that, you need to ensure he doesn't know that or you are setting him up for a older life of shit mental health l.

I sympathise with you op. At times I find I can’t connect with one of my dc. They are most likely neurodivergent and very hard work at times. Reading more about adhd your ds sounds like a button pusher which appears to be a feature of adhd. Sounds like he may be experiencing issues with neurodiversity also.

Sounds exactly like us,relentless is definatly the word for it!! How old is your child. Any tips?

Thanks. Your right and we correct his behaviour continually and teach him right and wrong. In the moment, I was exhausted.

He can be an amazing child and currently being super polite this morning. I think its the constant battle that I'm tired with, but maybe this is just parenting a wilder child.

He swims but most sports we've tried he just runs off and won't engage. Ive looked into running clubs but they don't start until 7 in our area.

A small upstairs safe space is a great idea, thank you. Well try that today.

I think you have enough here for an ADHD referral when he turns six. You could see if school will put it in early because of the waiting lists. Not saying it definitely is that, but it should be investigated.

My son is ND and a lot of the "talk through how it makes the other person feel," deep breathing, didn't work for him in managing his behaviour. He got more frustrated and dysregulated and he couldn't be actually understand other people's feelings or perspectives on an event. What's worked for us is letting behaviour that is annoying but not harmful go (especially at home), finding physical sensations and activities that calm him, having routines and letting him know structures for the day. And then also draw the line hard at eg hitting and kicking. Eg if he's repetitively kicking you, it's one request to stop/kick something like a cushion and then either you leave or he has to go elsewhere. There will probably be a meltdown but then you have to let the meltdown happen (in my experience it was going to happen at some point anyway).

It is exhausting but I find doing as much as I can that plays to my DS's strengths works best. And I put the TV on when I just need 30 minutes. But our household is more chaotic and fraught than most people's, I guess, and I've made my peace with that.

This was me and my DS. Eventually diagnosed with ADHD at 12 with Autism 8 months later. Primary were next to useless. Please read up as much as you can if you suspect he might be ND.

His last couple of years at primary were really rough for him and it didn’t help that we as parents didn’t understand that the way we dealt with certain situations was also damaging to him.

My 6-year-old DS sounds very similar to yours. When he's in a good mood, he's so fun and the life of the party. When he's not - he is destructive, won't respect boundaries, hits and kicks and shows no remorse for it. He also takes a very long time to go to sleep. It's overwhelming and exhausting. Solidarity!! I suspect he has ADHD, but is too young for diagnosis.

Just wondered how you are getting on OP? Your DS sounds a lot like mine and I'm at the end of my tether.

You don't have to wait for school to agree for an ADHD assessment by the way. School say my DS is 'fine' so I have gone to my GP for a referral without any hassle at all. I want to get the ball rolling.

I have two boys, one (now 10) who has always been very high energy. And I don't think this is just a 'boy thing'. That being said its definitely worth looking at the basics - I found my high energy DS was very sensitive to sugar. He would get massive sugar highs, so we really had to limit it. Likewise we limited screens an awful lot at that age as they also noticeably impacted his behaviour. Apart from that, it was just LOTS of exercise, lots of physicality (hugs, rough housing...but learning how to do that safely - be very blunt if you are being hurt) and very clear firm unwavering boundaries plus determined repetition. We always had dogs when I was growing up and TBH its like having a big exuberant dog - same rules apply. It was incredibly draining at times, but now at ten he's a lovely boy. But I also think this might be more than standard high energy.

I had a 5 year old like that. ASD + ADHD diagnosis explained a lot and helped us all find ways to cope better. Now he is no longer violent to things look much better than they did. The combination makes it harder to diagnose - many people (including education professionals) told us he wasn't autistic because of how charming/chatty he can be. But once we got to an an actual formal assessment it was very clear to the multidisciplinary team.

So neuro divergence is worth keeping in the back of your mind - if you do have suspicions then keeping a behaviour log can be helpful to look back for patterns etc.

Good luck with this energetic/exhausting mix - what you described sounds really tough. Don't be afraid to experiment to find strategies that work for your family - if that means more TV or a less tidy house, or fewer activities or whatever that's fine.

Have you tried going running with him? My dad/mum used to do that with me (just a mile or so at that age) and it's still my coping skill many years later, but still not great at sitting down and rarely loose it.