To feel utterly heartbroken at cancelling holiday

[ladydorito]

Sorry it's long. I don't know if it's a combination of everything that's happened but I'm honestly feeling on the edge of a breakdown. We should be right now arriving at a lovely hotel after a hellish few months.

I have one DD (just turned 2). Complicated and worrying pregnancy and traumatic birth. Since contracting bronchiolitis as a 6 month old she has struggled so badly with respiratory issues. We've had to take her to A and E about eight times since last winter with croup, chest infections and viral infections. She can't throw anything off herself, it's always a steroid at best, antibiotics and once was admitted overnight for oxygen.

We said no to a big family holiday with grandparents in January because she'd had a bad viral infection on our last holiday that required a day in hospital for monitoring and spoilt it - so thought we'd wait until summer to give her the best chance of not contracting anything before we go. Good choice as I found out I was pregnant again in January.

Very sadly the pregnancy was a missed miscarriage, ended up having a D and C and was then told it was a partial molar which required a lot of monitoring to ensure there was no cancer from the abnormal cells. Horrible to live through but as soon as we were given the clear from hospital, we booked a no expense spared holiday to Greece for me, DH and DD. Last week my parents decided at last minute they would also fly out and join us there - all set to make memories and put the past few awful months behind us.

Fast forward this week and, you guessed it, DD comes down with something chesty that makes her cough and wheeze. She was prescribed antibiotics (also suspected ear infection) and extra inhaler and given a steroid, and after a nail biting week, her nurse godmother came and gave her a good exam yesterday and said while she was still a bit wheezy she was good to fly.

I was in the supermarket looking for some last minute bits when husband called and said she'd started vomiting. Immediately we knew we couldn't go with just six hours until we were due to set off to the airport. She vomited a lot at home and insurance and holiday company both said we needed to take her to hospital to have medical evidence, which we did, so it was a four hour A and E job which I felt so guilty about as strictly speaking we didn't need to be there medically, but needed documentation she was unwell.

I just can't believe it. She's napping now and is, thank God, improving. But I have severe health anxiety, am still dealing with the aftermath of the molar pregnancy, and this holiday was the one thing we were clinging to as a family. It sounds so dramatic but I just want to scream in the shower about how unbelievably shit it all is. Nightmare thoughts about losing my daughter are stalking my mind, or that she's got some awful undiagnosed condition that is causing all this.

I think what I really need is to just write all this out and feeling like I'm not screaming into the void but if anyone has any words of comfort or advice, I'd so appreciate them.

They didn’t have a contagious bug, no one else caught it. Happened a lot with DC1

@Ninkynonkpinkyponks what an absolute arse wipe you are for taking a highly contagious vomiting kid on a plane. Not only will your poor kid have an absolutely shit time, you’re ruining the holiday of every other person on that plane who is exposed to your germs and ends of losing days of the holiday vomiting in a hotel room.
Absolute selfish nob.

OP it’s totally shit and I’d be gutted too 💐 do you have other leave to take so you can reschedule when the insurance pays out?

Think you need to man up and re-book for later on the week OP assuming DC improving. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face because of your health anxiety. Insurance should cover the difference in flights cost assuming you have illness cover and even if not, you've still gone on a great holiday. Try to get over your anxiety for your family's sake.

Are your parents still going ?

Yes, their booking was separate so insurance wouldn't cover their cancelling. I'm glad to be honest, they work so hard and it's a beautiful hotel - they need a break. It is having an impact on our thought process about whether to rebook or not as they'd love us to come but my mum has been very clear this morning that they fully intend to go enjoy themselves and not to feel guilty if we don't make it out.

I really empathise with you. I haven't been on an abroad holiday since DS was born because he has health issues and didn't want to risk him being ill abroad. Now he's a bit older I thought maybe this year we can finally do a proper holiday together. And guess what, now I'm ill constantly and also awaiting surgery so can't book anything. It's rubbish.

Ds was the same after catching bronchiolitis at 9 weeks old he wheezed through everything blue inhaler every winter without fail loads of antihistamine in the summer we had really turned a corner and gone a year without the blue inhaler when he caught covid (several times) he is now classed as asthmatic and has a brown and a blue inhaler

Its a pain in the arse

That is shit I’m sorry

but you should be fine to reclaim on insurance
if she is better tomorrow what about centerparcs ?

I think with your child's age and history I wouldn't go abroad until she's older.
Spend the money on a lovely UK holiday where you are close enough to home and the NHS.
I know you are insured and there are hospitals wherever you are going but honestly the stress of navigating an overseas hospital unless you are fluent in the language is too great (and I speak from experience not any kind of anxiety).

My youngest was almost constantly ill with every bug going when she was young. Literally every 4 weeks she’d be ill. Holidaywise, we did uk ones cos of the fear of what you’re experiencing now.

I can recall several where I’d stay home with her and then drive there separately once she’d recovered. We used to take turns she was so frequently ill . I know they’re not everyone’s ideal type of trip. But it felt less stressful to me to work around that than trips abroad. Like most , she has finally grown out of it.

I agree with this 100%. It really is much better, safer and less stressful to wait until they are older. One of my DC was hospitalised with RSV bronchiolitis at 4 months old. He was about 10 before he stopped getting the wheezing/chest infections, which is exactly what the research we read showed. It was a gradual improvement. Bronchiolitis is a serious illness. It would be better to accept it and arrange your lives around the possibility that you will have to play safe for a while.
I am so, so sorry about your molar pregnancy and miscarriage. You have had an awful time.

That’s so gross & selfish. You should never take a vomiting child on a flight. Perhaps think about all the other people you’re spreading it to.

I'm honestly flip flopping every five minutes from this way of thinking to just making peace with the fact that spending ££££ on rebooking when I'm this anxious about her is not a great decision either.

Completely get what you're saying about getting over this for DD and DH but when you're at the sharp end like we've been for the past few months, it's easier said than done to put tools in place to get past it.

Have had substantial therapy for anxiety/OCD over past decade, all helpful but ultimately for me it's a lifelong condition that can only be managed, not cured.

As someone with health anxiety as well , holidays are a huge trigger .
keep things simple , write it off as a bad experience , and stick to the UK for now.
treat yourself with kindness and take baby steps. Adding guilt to your lost holiday won’t help

Just an update here. Our DD's chest was clear a day after our cancellation. I was absolutely resigned to chalking the holiday off and claiming back on insurance but DH was beyond gutted to not be going, so I pushed the anxiety to one side and we flew out two days later.

We had five lovely days but unfortunately I couldn't stop the health anxiety, and DD picked up another virus there which has led to a croupy cough (I don't think it is actual croup as she's well on herself and eating and drinking fine, no temp or breathing issues so probably a post viral thing). The cough worsened yesterday and I had a panic attack so we decided to switch our flights and flew home. We got back last night.

I realise in the cold light of day that many may think our decision was irrational but anxiety and OCD is, but its nature, irrational. DD is raring about this morning delighted to be reunited with all her toys but I'm in a total state convinced she's going to go downhill again and that it will be all my fault for taking her on a plane.

I've learnt two lessons from this: UK only holidays until she's much bigger are the way we're going to go, and that the time has come to seek some professional help for my anxiety around her health. I'm trying to be kind to myself - we've gone through so much this year - but she's like a little sponge at the moment in terms of her learning and development and the time is going to come where she will be affected by this - and the last thing I want is to pass this lifelong blight on my brain down to her.

I think you've done really well OP, all things considered. We have a 'no abroad hols until they're school age' anyway in our family, as our little ones hate any change in routine, and heat, so massive props to you and I'm glad you had a lovely 5 days hol.