Is Year 9 the hardest?

[Fleckle]

My DD13 has gone from a lovely child to pushing the boundaries on a daily basis. I know that’s all part of being a teenager but I need some reassurance that things get better!

I keep seeing/hearing that year 9 is notoriously hard. She’s also with a group of friends that aren’t really interested in school and have been making some dubious choices outside of school too (vaping, drinking). She has told me she has tried it but some of the other kids seem to be on a slippery slope so that concerns me too.

She’s a clever girl but lacks confidence. There have been so many demerits, detentions, late for class this year. The change is quite noticeable and I’m wondering if it’s a normal transition or something more.

Just ending Yr 8 and my friend who is Ed psych says Yr 8 + 9 are the most challenging for girls. I know Yr 9 was tha year I started going off the rails so I'm really dreading it tbh.
She told me the best thing to do is to try to keep the channels of communication open, my parents certainly didn't do that, and they weren't aware of a quarter of all the shit i did.
The peer group is vital to how your teen copes i think but it's as this age that unfortunately we have no control over that.
So sorry, no real advice, but just know you aren't alone!

I have a year 8 and in the last few months have noticed a big shift in attitude so I can feel it coming. Mentally, I have made a plan to keep him busy out of school (football) and hold firm on my boundaries with misbehaving in school. Back chat gets sanctions at home too. I think the minute I give in, I'll see a lot more problems. A few short years of battles hopefully will mean I've kept him on the straight and narrow enough to make him into a decent human. All I can say is god's speed, hopefully we come out the other side unscathed 😂

As a teacher, almost to a person across our 13 schools within our MAT, year 8 is the hardest for behaviour.

Year 9 I really, really like because they're settling in their skin generally.

I don't think it's useful as a question though. If you're experiencing difficulties then that is simply the case for your DD.

Keep speaking to school, support them and keep boundaries, expectations and love high at home.

I have a year 9 who has tested the boundaries fairly energetically this year, mostly in terms of school uniform/homework/lateness/bedtime/tidiness. No vaping though - I’ve pointed out to both my kids the findings that cheap vapes can have all kinds of toxic substances in them.

I remember a teacher friend saying years ago that year 8 or 9 were the worst years - they apparently start to realise how important their GCSEs are in year 10. Fingers crossed!

Year 8 and 9 are the tricky ones in general I think. Awful for my eldest but she had Covid in the mix too.

She’s generally quite good at talking to me but I have noticed lately those channels closing a bit. I just keep telling her I love her (even when she tells me she hates every bone in my body 😭) and that I’ll always be there for her.

I am at the point where I’m wondering if she need some extra support or if this is normal 13 year old behaviour. I have nothing to compare it to really. I was quite academic and didn’t really have a rebellious streak (still don’t!).

Year 8 was also a bit tricky but not as bad. I’m maybe holding out for a miracle in year 10!

My daughter put us through hell when she was in year 9, to the point that the school put her on a disciplinary programme and moved her to a different class. We were besides ourselves and nothing we did seemed to have any meaningful impact. All I say is don't give up trying to talk sense into her and keep communication going as much as possible. We were lucky that her group of friends were studious and she gradually matured and fell in line too. She's now in year 11 and doing well. Good luck OP!

Others may disagree but I would have loved an impartial 3rd party to talk to at that age.

When you say 'she lacks confidence' what do you mean?

She has low self esteem and compares herself to others. She talks about her ‘clever friends’ but doesn’t see that she’s also a bright child. She’s not applying it though. If something is hard, her response is to distract herself (often talking in class) or just not do it (like homework).

Every teacher during parents evening mentioned her lack of confidence so they are seeing it. They kept telling her to ask if she needs help but she’s so concerned with what others will think and doesn’t want to stand out so there’s no way she’ll ask.

Out of school she hangs out with the so called cool kids. She wants to fit in and is worried about being excluded, which has happened before. She’s tried moving friend groups but is worried about the reaction from her current group (they aren’t always the nicest too be honest).

She honestly seems totally lost and it’s breaking my heart a bit 😔

Put it this way, we no longer worry about bedtimes and detentions.

I think the question you've put in your title is very different to what you're really asking. Lots of kids benefit from having an outside adult at 13, 15 or 17. There are counsellors but also school pastoral support eg ELSA, youth club. My eldest goes to a young carers youth club and that has been amazing for her to connect informally with other supportive adults. Whereas counselling was too "in yer face" and she rejected it.

Keep trying to keep the channels of communication open. With my teens this often seems to involve driving them places and buying them food.

Our local area has a MH hub for teens who are struggling but don't reach the threshold for CAMHS. They guide them through a CBT programme. It would be beyond my powers to get mine to do this though.

“I think the question you've put in your title is very different to what you're really asking”

@Kalara Yes, I think you’re probably right. I’ve heard quite a bit about year 9 being a difficult year for some kids but then they find their way in year 10.

I guess I’m wondering how much of the behaviour I’m seeing is down to this year group/age or something a bit more that needs more support.

My son whose yr 9 and quite a few of his friends are brilliant in school, so well behaved. I'm pretty speechless when I talk to school and so are really lovely about him, I see this side of him less at home at the moment. .

When I speak to my mum friends with boys in the same in his friendship group its outside school where boundaries are pushed with bedtimes, behaviour, wanting to go out, stay out later and general back chat etc..... This is definitely my hardest year with my yr 9, I don't think its just him at all.

Thanks for reply.
All i could suggest is that you as the adult take control of your own fears first so as you're in the best position to help her.
The situation will be hopeless if you give off this energy to her either by spoken word or by actions.
Practice positivity.
Each day with her when she's home after school play a game for 5 minutes were you both share one positive thing that happened that day and how it made you feel about yourself or other people.
Be ready for resistance so you can be prepared to start and give her space to retreat and not play but keep trying each day.
And keep it simple if you didn't climb Kilimanjaro.
Simple things for example like telling her you left 5 mins earlier than usual so as you could drive slower made you feel so much more relaxed and less stressed when you got to work... or how good the sandwich tasted
And her positive thing ...this will tell you a lot about how she feels about herself but all you can do is encourage and praise .
I time she will feel comfortable speaking about all the positive things she dies and how it makes her feel and it will be self perpetuating.
And another exercise you could support her with is discovering what personal values he has at this moment in time.
Frist though you should be clear on yours. Take 5 mins a day to pick one off and ask yourself if it resonates with you.
This will help install a clear sense of self identity in her and could make her reject things that she now knows are against her core beliefs.
https://www.betterup.com/blog/personal-values-examples

I love this! Thank you so much @SusanLittle76

I think these exercises will be as helpful for me as they are for her. Thank you for taking the time to share 😊

In year 7 they are small fish in a very big pond. At the start of year 8, they realise they aren’t the youngest any more and they start to get tricky. Added to hormones, it makes for a difficult time and carries on into year 9. By year 10, they’re doing more of the lessons they chose and the pressure ramps up and carries on through year 11.

It was for mine and she did need therapy - for us it was about getting confidence to grow up in a sensible way

@Tiswa Thank you. This sounds like what my DD needs too. She won’t get help at school (she wouldn’t want anyone else to know) so I’m wondering if private therapy might help.

The confidence to grow up sensibly feels spot on. I just need to work out how to frame it without her thinking this is about her doing things wrong and squashing more of her confidence.

My dd has a lot of challenges and sounds similar to- she is Y9.

She lacks confidence and has massively low self esteem. School spoke about using coloured pieces of card or specific coloured highlighters but she wouldn’t do that either! She currently just doesn’t engage if she thinks she doesn’t know. She often does but she is awaiting formal adhd assesment and is dyspraxic so she struggles with processing.

it has been horrendous at school but since Easter she is much better. A couple of friends have got managed moved / times at PRP’s which I wonder if it’s hit home. She was also not allowed on a school trip to the beach.

I am not going to lie it wasn’t cheap! But it really helped. The sessions started with us both talking for 5 minutes with me saying anything I had noticed 40 minutes of DD on her own and then me back at the end to get the bits I needed to here.

one thing for example was ordering her own food, not stepping in for her, allowing her to work out her comfort zone and not pushing for more or holding her back.

she still keeps a journal and writes down her feelings etc.

she did do 6 sessions through school before that and it was helpful but not as much as tje private stuff which we could make more bespoke

Teacher here. Y8 is normally the tricky year, by this point in Y9 they're usually very settled unless there's something else going on.

Has your kid got a trusted adult in school?
Are you talking to your kid's teachers? Have you met with the HoY? Have you raised this with the DSL?
To be honest, it sounds like a friendship issue and as if your DD is really struggling with a stressful situation.

I'd start with the HoY and be in active communication.

Thank you @ProudCat. I have spoken to her tutor but they weren’t that helpful. I’m thinking pastoral could be a good place to start but I know DD would be mortified for school to get involved so was thinking more the private counselling route. I don’t think I can wait for a NHS referral to be honest.

“To be honest, it sounds like a friendship issue and as if your DD is really struggling with a stressful situation”

I think this is at the core. Everything I read says don’t stop DD from seeing her friends as it will push her closer to them. But they are involved in risky behaviour - vaping, drinking, smoking. I’ve since learnt a couple have been shoplifting too. They are so young. I don’t want DD caught up in that but she doesn’t see it and is putting these friends on a pedestal.

My experience with DD (now 16, yr 11) is that year 9 is a bit of a reprieve year, ie the least hard. They can have tricky times with friendships in any year though!

But I think all kids are different and can struggle in different years.

In my teaching experience, Year 9 was always the hardest.