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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sell our home?

26 replies

Kirstyandphil25 · 22/05/2025 22:36

We’ve got a fairly large mortgage still, however in the fortunate position that if we sold we’d have enough money to clear the debt and have enough money to buy another home cash, albeit smaller and not in the same area.
DH is constantly hinting how good it would be to be mortgage free etc How we don’t need this size of home, admittedly it’s too big for us. However I
love it, we built it and I’m emotionally tied to it. I’m younger than DH, the higher earner and happy to dig in to earn more money to give us a nice lifestyle and I like my job. DH hates his job, and is fishing for
a redundancy. Which would allow him to take a role that he was passionate about and not driven by $ - he’d feel the pressure was off if we didn’t have a mortgage to service. It’s doubled in value in 8/9 years so I want to hang onto it whilst we can comfortably service the loan.
Is being debt free as good as DH thinks?

OP posts:
ICantPretend · 22/05/2025 22:40

Debt free is different from mortgage free.

I've been mortgage free before, it isn't the wonderful dreamland that some make it out to be.

I'd rather live in a bigger/better house with an (affordable) mortgage than somewhere too small/not as nice area etc.

Oldandcobwebby · 22/05/2025 22:41

Yes. It certainly is. I'm absolutely on your DH's side in this.

Original poster
Kirstyandphil25 · 22/05/2025 23:04

Mortgage is our only debt (thankfully)

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 22/05/2025 23:08

I think he should start a proper conversation about what he actually wants and explore options. Could be not change jobs now anyway? Can you sit down and actually financially plan together and discuss future goals etc and then work out what would make you both happy. We sold an amazing house to be mortgage free but it only worked because the right other property came up and I am really happy there but I can appreciate other people would rather have the better house and know the mortgage will be paid off sometime. Really hating your job is demoralising though and it probably doesn't help if he feels stuck in it to keep a house he maybe doesn't love that much

CanelliniBeans · 23/05/2025 06:44

We’re mortgage free but there are many other bills to keep up with. My partner is not working currently and can barely cover his everyday bills. So not living the dream

MoreChocPls · 23/05/2025 06:51

I’d keep the bigger house.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 23/05/2025 06:52

I'm with you OP especially if your DH is planning this for selfish reasons

We are in the same position as you in that we choose to pay a larger mortgage for a house that's too big for us having enough equity to downsize and be mortgage free.

However we are both on the same page that we love where we live, and are happy to do without some other to stay here

Sirzy · 23/05/2025 06:54

The main issue seems to be him hating his job so you need to have a talk about how to practically make changes with regards that

maddening · 23/05/2025 06:55

If he got redundancy and a lower paying job could you still afford the mortgage?

MidnightPatrol · 23/05/2025 06:57

I’d not be happy about this if I was just so he could not work.

Amba1998 · 23/05/2025 06:59

What are your OH intentions with the money you’d save each month on the mortgage? Properly invest it for retirement then I’m on board. Squander it each month then no. Once you pay off this current house you’ll be sat on a much bigger asset that you can then sell for a better retirement.

Hebfgusa · 23/05/2025 07:00

How old are you? Do you have retirement plans? Would retiring early be an attractive goal?

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 07:01

How old is DH? What is his pension provision like?

If for example he is 59 with a decent pension saved that’s different to (say) 45 with not a lot. Moving to a lower paid job would also mean lower pension savings.

babystarsandmoon · 23/05/2025 07:03

It’s not just about affording a mortgage in my opinion, a large house comes with more expensive running costs.

How much older is he as he sounds ready to start winding down and working a job he doesn’t like for the sake of keeping a house which is too big for you going may be getting a bit much for him.

TheFunHare · 23/05/2025 07:06

There's more to life than a house! Why don't you look around and see if it inspires you to find a compromise.

Viviennemary · 23/05/2025 07:08

You like your large house. He has a job he hates and isn't bothered about living in a large house. I don't think either one of you is right here you just want different things. You just need to talk it through and try and reach some sort of solution or compromise.

pilates · 23/05/2025 07:10

What are your ages?
Can your husband look to change jobs?

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 23/05/2025 07:12

How old are you? You could enjoy living in the house now, and then downsize to part fund retirement. Selling up now would be a very short term decision.

He does need to work out a solution to his job - but that could be a different job that still pays his share of the mortgage, surely?

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 07:15

Regarding ‘angling for redundancy’, does he have a plan work-wise for what to do if that happens, one that doesn’t involve a big pay cut? If not it’s not a great idea to ‘angle for redundancy’ unless/until you both agree on your priorities, finances, housing etc.

Doingmybest12 · 23/05/2025 07:19

You are both not unreasonable. Not helpful, but I guess it depends if moving could enhance both of your lifestyles and well being. I think it's fair enough to not want to have a house you don't need. How else will you invest money, how will life be if he has this other job, what will your future joint goals be. The market is not great for selling large houses at the moment though.

CornishDew · 23/05/2025 07:26

I’m partially with your DH on this one. I’m in similar circumstances, if we sold now, we could buy a smaller 2/3 bed in the local village where all my DD’s friends are (we’re rural). We wouldn’t have a large mortgage and own the property outright. I could put that mortgage payment towards investments for older age. Our current house is so big we could easily make two properties and there’s only 3 of us. For me, this is the only positive, as we can split the property in future for my DD to have her own home if she wishes with no mortgage/rent

Mischance · 23/05/2025 07:26

You might be interested in what we did.
My OH, a medic, became so stressed in his job that it was clear that we had to do something.
He was 42 and we had 3 children, a lovely 5 bed house in the country and a comfortable life with me working part time.
But we knew this could not go on as his health and wellbeing were declining.
We sold our home to be mortgage free, in spite of accountants advising against because of mortgage tax relief. We knew that OH needed to know that mortgage burden was gone and we were also able to wipe out all our debts.
He went on to do locum cover and a couple of weekly surgeries.
We moved to a smaller, but entirely adequate, house. It was a bit cramped as children grew but we were lucky to have it.
I increased my work hours and OH took on more household tasks.
I have never regretted this. About 10 years later he developed Parkinsons Disease and slowly deteriorated and died. He was given the chance of a better life and I am thankful for that.
It felt like a team approach to life planning. Winners and losers, but essentially fair. My children were aware of the decisions and why we made them and now as adults are very clear that they alwsys felt they were right, and felt they were an example of how to conduct relationships. Dealing with a stressful job that you hate is, as many will know, truly grim. Sometimes there is no route out, but where there is it should be sought, even if it means some sacrifices.

AlastheDaffodils · 23/05/2025 07:46

@Mischance thank you for one of the best and wisest posts I have read on MN in a long time.

User2446433 · 23/05/2025 07:51

AlastheDaffodils · 23/05/2025 07:46

@Mischance thank you for one of the best and wisest posts I have read on MN in a long time.

Agreed.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 08:11

That’s a fantastic post @Mischance Thank you for sharing your and your H’s experience.

It doesn’t necessarily mean though that OP’s H’s idea would work out well for him and OP, health or finances wise. On average, life expectancy is long, so it’s sensible to plan on that basis, whilst not working long hours or in a stressful environment. Of course we don’t know what will happen to any of us.

My parents both stopped work young, one due to ill health, the other work problems and bereavements, and are now late 70s. They have a home and have been just-about OK financially (unless one or both need care) but they had much better housing and pensions than people in similar work in subsequent generations, who if doing similar would likely struggle when older.

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