To think there isn’t a lot of forgiveness if you mess up?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

It feels like if you make a mistake - whether at work, in friendships, or even just in life in general - people are quick to judge and slow to forgive. One wrong move can follow you for years, and sometimes, no matter how much you try to make amends or improve, the mistake sticks with you.

Have we become too unforgiving as a society? Should people be given more grace or is it fair that actions have lasting consequences?

I think so.

It's important to have boundaries and not take abuse but there's been a definite shift over the last decade or so, in part influenced by pop-psychology where people's expectations of others can be so high and social media-influenced attitudes of cutting people out of your life for differences in opinion or because they failed to meet your expectations.

I think our media/news outlets have taken to hounding people, someone always has to be to blame and be held to account, interviews with public figures and politicians are full of aggressive recrimination, it doesn't exactly encourage forgiveness.
I recently had a few days in a remote corner of south west Ireland, there weren't that many tourists and it was noticeable how every person greeted everyone else, people were warm and helpful and went out of their way to be kind. The UK has become very atomised, the population has increased rapidly, we're all in cars a lot of the time, we're irritable and stressed, forgiveness is hard to find when we don't have time and space.
Bit of a sociologist's reply (!). I'm sure some will hate it, I try to rationalise what feels like an uncaring society around, we all make mistakes but if you don't feel you have much social support, if you're lonely, then being unforgiving is maybe some kind of vengeful reaction?

But I also think women are socialised to be people pleasers, to put themselves second in relationships and be accepting of others behaviours no matter what. When we stop that we do appear less forgiving when maybe we are setting better boundaries.

I found your response quite moving. You’ve captured something I’ve been feeling but hadn’t fully articulated: how much our environment shapes not just our mistakes but how we process other people’s. I think you’re right - media, stress, loneliness, a sense of scarcity or pressure - it all adds up to a society where we’re quicker to judge than understand. And like you said, when people don’t feel seen, supported or connected, being unforgiving might be one of the few ways they feel any sense of control or justice.

I loved your Ireland example too, it reminds me that warmth, slowness, and small kindnesses can shift the whole atmosphere. Maybe that’s the part we’re missing a bit - not just grace for others but a climate where grace can breathe.

Agree tht being unforgiving is very in fashion.

I think, as I have said before, that this kind of thread is self selecting....mostly people will only want to contribute if they have got skin in the game. I wonder what "mistake" the OP has in mind?

The unforgiving used to be mainly directed at women. It's why I struggled with religion and my Irish husband rejected some of the attitudes of his roman Catholic upbringing. Men could confess and be forgiven for child sexual abuse, but the stigma of having a baby out of wedlock, never went away. I still think that women are judged more harshly. Even on here, MIL, SIL etc are the subject of the post because the poor brother/FIL are obviously beguiled by their manipulative partner.

Dependant on situation and people. Women I often find are far more forgiving than men and will give chance after chance to some Billy Big Bollocks if it means keeping their family together because they love him. He would drop her in a heartbeat if it was in his best interests and sod the family.

Often I find people don't see the warning shots - see the threads about ghosting - where one friend is politely telling the other they are crossing lines then has to draw the line one final time. Often this is taken as harsh without much reflection on behaviour.

I think the cutting contact thing is a Mn quirk because a disproportionate number on here are just very poor at handling relationships at all, particularly complicated ones. People with poor boundaries and a history of privately resentful people-pleasing tend to overreact, blow up and cut contact rather than take responsibility for contributing to the dynamic by their own poor communication.

When I was young people were supposed to respect their parents no matter what.

Would you respect your parents for abusing you then abusing your child or letting the others abuse you when in their care?
Would you respect your parents for neglecting you as a child and not providing basics (food,clothes,medical care) even if they were able to?

Valid enough in my opinion to cut off and go no contact.

Respect is earned not given.

As for forgiveness- sometimes forgiving means that we can move on and no longer feel tied to the person that did us wrong. It doesn’t mean we have to maintain the relationship/contact.

Agree with PP about inability/unwilingness to recognise the wrongdoing and apologise but it also goes both ways.
Some people are offended by literally anything and constant treading on eggshells around them is exhausting.

I went no contact through abuse.

SS and the police were involved. I'd potentially have lost my children if I hadn't gone nc - and rightly so.

It's something I mention on here but it's not something I talk about generally. Most people who know me would say they don't know anyone who is nc with a family member.

I do agree that your summary is probably becoming more common though.

I think one problem today is that people's mistakes might be recorded on social media and can then be there to trip them up for the rest of their lives.

I know I don't speak for everyone, but some of us, when we were young might have behaved in ways that make us cringe now we are mature adults. Thankfully, my young days were long ago pre-internet so hopefully my youthful indiscretions are forgotten and lost in the mists of time. Younger people don't necessarily have that comfort.

You see it here all the time.
A minor transgression will happen and OP overthinks it to an extent that is almost unhealthy.
People will instead silently seethe, not say anything, give us a backstory of how this person can be difficult and ask us all about whether or not they were unreasonable. And most of these things would be complete non events if the OP could just speak to their friend/tell them no/discuss how they're feeling at the time.
The one that jumps out at me recently is dessertgate where a friend asked for a fork to share a restaurant in a dessert and it became a whole big thing.
I'm Irish and where I am, we just call eachother out in the moment and have a laugh about it if someone is being a donkey.
Now this is specifically talking about the minor transgressions - there's much bigger issues that happen and that's a different story altogether.