Ignoring whatsapp messages

[Funkybananabread]

This is just really annoying me so thought I’d see if anyone else is in the same boat.

In a WhatsApp friends group (about 6 of us) and if I suggest doing something (like going out for a meal, going to a gig / event) sometimes people just don’t respond at all. Sometimes they do (presumably if they are interested in going/are free!) but other times just completely ignore. It’s not just me btw - although I do suggest things the most often just because I like going out and about. We do meet up regularly but tends to be at someone’s house (we all have youngish children). It’s not a money issue either -5m they all seem to have an equal or a lot more disposable income than we do.
My view is that this is so rude! If you don’t want to go /can’t go then surely you should just respond saying so? I always do (and am quite honest - for example will say something like sorry that’s not my cup of tea but have a great time).
i am very tempted to just ask them why they don’t respond when we next meet up but worried how this will come across? WIBU to just ask why they don’t reply?

Yes you're right, I should definitely ignore my small child shouting at me that she needs the toilet, or my job, to look properly at suggestions for an event/day out, check the dates, cross reference everything else that's on, call DH at work, who will obviously not be so busy he can't answer, check he has t made any plans for those dates and see whether he fancies it/is ok to have DD while I go out and respond to a WhatsApp.

Silly me for thinking other things in my life may take priority to all that.

It may only take seconds to type a reply, but it takes longer than that to work out if a) you want to go and b) whether you can actually make it work around kids, work, other commitments. I don't think I'm popular, but I do have a life.

Doesn't take seconds to check calendars and whether you can arrange childcare though does it?

I could quickly type "I'd love to" but actually, I might not be able to. And if I'm at work, I can't check the paper calendar, which we still use because we prefer paper, to see if DH has added anything to it that I haven't yet put in my digital one. Or if I'm out. Or if I'm looking after DD on a non work day I might have chance to read it and then she needs something and I forget.

So would you rather I told you I'd be up for it without knowing I could do it and then be that flaky friend who says no later, or would you rather I checked everything? Bearing in mind that sometimes, given I work and have a family and other commitments, a WhatsApp I read this morning may slip mind by dinnertime?

Can't win.

Not at that exact moment (you're being ridiculous) but OP is talking about no replies at all. Fine if you want to treat people like that, you have A LIFE, but aren't your friends part of that life?

I guess I just can't imagine blanking a friend, no matter how busy my life is (and it is of course just as busy as yours!). I like my friends, even if I don't want to or can't attend their event, I always reply.

Well good for you on being able to remember every WhatsApp message you get sent and never once forgetting to reply to one.

I always reply to my friends. Except sometimes when I can't give the answer immediately and then life happens and I forget that I'm supposed to answer a WhatsApp on top of everything else. Especially in a group chat where it might get lost amongst others.

I mark them back as unread so I don't forget to go back to it. Not hard.

This

OP the response has nothing to do with your value. I’m saying this as you seem angry

I think you can ask if you want to but you need to frame it from “I feel xxx when yyy happens and I’m wondering we can agree Zzz”.

you need to let people be themselves though. I think just bringing it up might clear the air for you

I would actively start looking at other avenues. Groups you can join, anything separate to them.

It is rude. It takes seconds to say, oh sorry I can't. And it's upsetting for you. So only you can deal with it. Stop asking, invest your time and energy elsewhere. Definitely don't ask why because it really will be turned against you. Just cultivate other roads 💐

I am with you on this, my friends are important to me and keeping up with them was vital during those early child rearing years.

Who said anything about “demanding immediate answers”? I didn’t. Neither did the OP. This is about people who simply don’t answer full stop.

If there’s too much going on in their lives to answer a simple message, it’s even less likely they’ll have time for a lovely chat.

Millions of people somehow cope with having both a job and a family. And again, who is saying you have to drop everything to make an instant decision? How hard is it to say “Will check with Steve and get back to you?”

Given your reactions to my comments, I would imagine you think messages (and probably your phone screen in general) are of paramount importance.

If you need an answer from me, or want a chat, call me. I can talk while doing things, and I have headphones / hands free stuff. I cannot do things with my phone in my hand constantly, and nor should I be.

That's how I stay in contact with my friends. Not through a screen in ways that can be missed. Through actual conversation.

I agree with this.

You’re just making things up now. Who has said anything about your phone being “constantly in your hand”? You could check it twice a day!

Or, I could have regular catch ups with my friends, either by phone or in person, and make plans that keep us in touch that way.

I stopped responding to What's App chats ages ago. I don't need it for work, or anything important, and I find it really invasive to be added to a chat that I haven't wanted to be involved with. I only respond to texts. Information has become overwhelming to me and I'm fed up of trying to find important things and not knowing whether they were sent in a text, email, WA or messenger. Not to even go down the FB, Insta or anything else bloody route. So maybe your friends are just feeling busy and overwhelmed?

I mean, you're managing a fair amount of time on MN today! Maybe spend the time catching up on some correspondence instead.

I have none outstanding. Spoke to my family today, caught up with my friends yesterday.

The only group chats I have are family ones and work ones. My friends and I speak in real life. Doesn't mean I don't understand how easy it is to miss a message.

Unless, of course, we were all perfect like you and never forget anything ever.

Clearly some people feel very strongly about this!
in relation to the original post, I certainly don’t want an answer straight away (or even that day) but just an answer at some point would be nice rather than completely ignore then move on to a different conversation in a few days without any acknowledgement.
Btw I totally get being busy and forgetting to reply (have done this several times) but when I remember I always apologise for the delay. I am incredibly busy (work full time, kids, other commitments) but a text saying yay or nay literally takes seconds.

It's definitely rude. I'll ask the group chat if they'd like to book tickets somewhere or arrange something. If someone doesn't reply then I don't know if they, a) haven't seen it yet and I should wait, b) they've forgotten to message back or c) they don't want to and instead of saying so are just ignoring me.

Just reply when you get a minute. What's hard about that?

I dont suggest tickets now theatre or cinema as people dont reply. Its def frustrating. Interesting thread. I work better on one to one meetups. We have school app we work on bus end but the girls good would always reply we would meet for coffee.

Of course you could. But it doesn’t stop you being able to reply to a message. One in one phone/in-person catch-ups and responses to group messages are not mutually exclusive.

Phone calls and face to face chats also invariably take more time than ten seconds to say “Let me check my diary” on WhatsApp, so the whole “I’m just far too busy juggling work AND a family” line doesn’t really wash.

I totally agree OP, it is rude and inconsiderate.

I am guilty of being a bit of a rubbish replier. Soemtiems I just get really overwhelmed with my phone and texting and I end up not being active on responses. We can't always assume people are available to talk just because they have their phone if you know what I mean.... but that being said, completely ignoring an invitation is just rude and there's no excusing it.

Why do you have to do all those wonderings? Its on them. If they don’t get back don’t include them. Have your own boundary instead of trying to second guess others

I’m wondering if the deeper issue here is anger around not knowing if people want to spend time with us or not - not from this post but from OP

I agree with the “it’s a group question not an individual one so not rude to not reply”.

On the flip side, I’m driven insane with the opposite attitude int the class Whatsapp: “Has anyone’s child taken Bobby’s jacket home by mistake?” Cue 20 replies of “No, Milly hasn’t.”

Not a nice post!

and judgy..