To break up over toilet hygiene (or lack thereof)?

[wobblychicken]

Name changed for this one.

So I've been seeing a new chap for several months - my first relationship since divorcing over three years ago, and with a lot of dead-end online dates in the interim. I.e. quite a big deal for me to have entered into. Lovely chap, very like-minded, considerate high-achieving professional, seems into me, etc. - and the relationship is exclusive.

I need a sense of perspective on this issue - not the only emergent niggle in the relationship, but the most "in your face" (as it were) in recent weeks.

Most of our "sleepover" dates are at mine for various reasons. I've noticed bad toilet hygiene at mine in terms of weeing on the seat / leaving poo stains, which I wasn't overly impressed with, but didn't say anything at the time. Last week I was at his - not the first occasion, but this round time the toilet / bathroom was pretty grim. Not Trainspotter bad or anything - but think piss and pubes caked into the ceramic and bristles / toothpaste residue all over the sink. The rest of his place is cluttered but clean enough.

I was again due to visit him at his today, and - after some agonising on the subject - sent a message during the week that he'd need to give the bathroom a once over first, to which he replied already on the list. And he did clean up, and even made a point of asking me if it was acceptable when I arrived.

Later that afternoon, we were taking it to the bedroom and I made a quick pit stop - only to find massive poo stains down the pan and wee over the seat from a visit he'd made in the meantime. It's hard for me to address these things directly, but I basically came out, said it was a massive passion killer and that I didn't expect to find the toilet like this at his or at mine, and if he wanted bedroom activity he'd need to factor in bathroom activity. He did clean it, apologised (blaming not having his glasses on - he did have his glasses on) and said my views were fair enough. I left soon after without re-initiating any sexual activity.

It's not the mess in itself that bothers me - I'm not a clean freak, and have literally used some of the worst toilets known to man in my time. It's the lack of respect it indicates - especially coming from someone so otherwise clearly intelligent / senior, etc. and not otherwise seemingly unhygienic. And the fact that I'd already pointed this out once before coming round - which is already unattractive enough to have to do towards a grown man. In his shoes I'd personally be dying of embarrassment, not making a mess of things that very same afternoon. Unless he was doing it deliberately to make a point right back to me, but that doesn't seem like him at all.

Either way, whether deliberate or just obliviousness, it's not attractive. I made a vow at the end of my last relationship that I wouldn't tolerate man children / incompetence (whether strategic or otherwise), so maybe I'm overthinking this one - but yeah it's irked me a lot.

Please do tell me if I'm being unreasonable on this one! I wouldn't end things "only" cause of this, but genuinely not sure if I'm just being a massive priss on this. TIA!

I bet he doesn't wash his hands, either 🤮

Just tell him It's him not you (when you break up)

🤪

Under zero circumstances would I bring wipes and bleach to a boyfriend's house so he can clean his bathroom. That's really not something that's my job.

Complete attraction killer.

I shit like a fucking dinosaur myself. My toilet is clean within 2 minutes.

It's grim. I'm worried your standards are too low though OP you mentioning absence of cock cheese as something in his favour 🤣

God NO....the thought of having sex with a man who can't clean up his own pee and poo is revolting to me.
I laugh at some Mumsnetters when the first thing they say on a thread is DUMP HIM, even if the man in question hasn't done anything worthy of being dumped. But imo, this man has...repeatedly by all accounts.😬

I agree with you about the lack of respect. I'm not sure whether it's a bloke thing, or a living alone thing but it would really annoy me too. How hard is it to stick a loo brush down the loo and do a 10 second swish around every day or two, or to just check the loo each time you flush to make sure it's decent before you leave the bathroom? Get in there with a sturdy wet wipe and a rubber glove if you are not of a toilet brush persuasion, but don't bloody leave it there for someone else to have to look at/deal with.

Nobody really minds having to deal with their own poo but being faced with other people's is another matter. My DH does this sometimes too and it really bloody irritates me.

I'm not sure I believe it, but the kink explanation is the only one that combines said man's intelliect, "nice guy" persona, and in-your-face shit stains that would rival a T-rex.

And yet he seems made up to have a gf at last, very considerate / hospitable in all other senses, and not one to throw something good away because of the cleanliness of a lavatorial pan.

And here we are still.

Omg!!!

Raise standards, women! No man is worth bringing cleaning supplies to.

And then people wonder why there are so many incompetent, low-effort, self-absorbed man-children out there!!!

My DH shit smells foul to the point that he needs to spray the toilet and leave windows open or I throw a fit. But he always cleans after himself and always has.

Oh dear what a passion killer. I think I would tell him that for most people a dirty toilet is an absolute 'no, no' and it will affect future relationships. Basically, he's unhygienic.

I wonder if he showers properly, washed his hands etc.

BTW: I once found skid marks on the bed sheets! Almost threw up! End of a budding relationship.

my vagina would dry up and clamp shut so fast after that

total ick

I once did end it with a young man when I was at uni. We were getting along fine, first time we slept together at his place. His room wasn't too bad, but his sheets smelled... musty. He did a bit too. I got the ick and ended it very shortly after that one visit to his place.

I have been married over 20 years and have just discovered that my husband doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet.
(We have recently moved house and the bathroom is now next to the bedroom so I heard him in the night go to the toilet, flush then come straight out. I said ‘don’t you wash your hands?’ and he said no.)
It really bothers me. I don’t know if it’s just after a wee, or if it’s only in the night. And I’m not sure I want to open that Pandora’s box. He’s generally a clean person.

I think a pre sex wee is gross. Always want to be spotlessly clean down there beforehand! Also for the man. Imagine giving a bj to a man who had just had a pre sex wee. Gross

If he doesn't clean the toilet after himself, you can guarantee he doesn't clean his body either.
There'll be skid marks.

Help to finish it? Ok, how about;

Dear Skiddy
Our relationship is down the pan
You have been dumped
Because when the shit hits the fan
I need not a toddler, but a man .

My DH has IBS and he seems to somehow manage to shit horizontally, in what can only be described as a light pebbledashing. I know it's not his fault, but surely after a lifetime of doing this he knows he needs to check high up and around the rim of the loo, and not just look in the pan itself? I do get thoroughly tired of having to point out that yet again, he's left the loo in a state. It's like dealing with a child.

LTB 🤣

My DH of 24 years has never and would never dream of leaving a toilet like this so to hear someone in a new relationship is behaving like this is incredulous! I don’t think it’s a great sign.

Because he's probably avoidant attachment style.

Probs not even consciously aware of that himself - he would want a relationship but can't cope with emotional intimacy so intrinsically does PA stuff to push you away. The Mr Nice Guy is a mask. Probs had a difficult relationship with an engulfing mother who he is unable to have healthy boundaries with (passive) ....so 'acts out' and redirects his repressed unresolved aggression in his romantic relationships.

he did clean up, and even made a point of asking me if it was acceptable when I arrived

Unless you fancy a lifetime as Toilet Monitor then you're going to have to dump him. It's just not sexy. That's reason enough, be honest, you'll be doing him a favour. Tell him your days of cajoling a grown man to lean in, and not live like a student and deal with his own skid marks are far far behind you, that you can't ever shag him now due to the state of his bathroom, and therefore the end is upon you.

Onwards. To someone who doesn't make you feel queasy.

Rank. But he could be oblivious.

Yeah that's gross. I'm pretty grubby by MN standards but that's just horrible - and this is supposed to be the stage where he's doing his best to impress you! Imagine what it would be like once you'd lived together for a decade?!

I would be inclined to give him one more chance but be very specific about what needs to change. I think he doesn't rate bathroom cleaning as a high priority and simply doesn't see that his toilet is gross. So, when requested, he cleaned before you visited but then thought that was enough. He needs to learn to check, before leaving the toilet (EVERY TIME) that everything is spotless. Otherwise you walk away.

I'm just a bit older than you. I'd carefully consider the other niggles you have. Move in together and he could use the toilet in a passive aggressive way, when you are having gripes. I wouldn't excuse pissing on the seat, everyone knows to not piss on the seat etc. They get worse as they age.

What a frustratingly shite situation.

I agree it shows a lack of cleanliness (should clean up equally as well when alone), natural courtesy (should think about it twice as much when he has guests, especially ones he’d like to have the hots for him) and respect (after you specifically had to mention it, yet he still had a shit response).

In and of itself, wouldn’t be liveable with for me. The potentially deeper problems it’s likely a symptom of (see above) would probably be a dealbreaker.

But, if everything else feels good, I’d perhaps give it one last chance. Have a proper chat and let him know it’s really put a dampener on things. If he acknowledges it’s his problem to solve and says he’d like to show you he can, I’d give it one last chance.

If he (quite literally) messes up again, he shouldn’t be surprised or offended if you tell him straight it’s beyond your limit of tolerability.

I hear me, and I hear you.

How best do I approach this on a call, calling time not ONLY cause of this issue, but also a few wider compatibility ones (which in fairness I'd not yet had the chance to raise with him, but he must surely at least guess at, given his professional profile...).