To hate parenting - does it get easier?

Werehalfwaythere · 2024-09-04T16:09:01+00:00

I have 7 year old twins boys and a 3 year old daughter and I'm really struggling, I always have. The twin pregnancy was hard, resulting in premature labour, a c section and twins in intensive care for a month. I hated the baby stage, felt constantly stressed, harassed and knackered. Luckily they didn't go through the terrible twos and had a year of two of relative peace (although then had a baby). Since the age of 4 the twins energy has multiplied at the rate of knots, they're now 7 and, predictably, days are full of wrestling, screaming, demanding food, not listening and generally poor behaviour. I'm at my wits end. We have good structure and they get good sleep. We're ok at discipline, I mean, not the strictest but definitely not permissive and we hold them account with poor behaviour (or try) and have a reward system in place. I can't cope though. With the noise and the relentlessness. The physicality. I'm just done. I had a weekend to myself a few months ago and for the first time in years felt true peace and happiness. I thought before I was depressed, I've now realised it's the kids. I'm not depressed, I just HATE parenting. I love my kids and there are times when I feel happiness with them, but it's very few and far between these days. It's not my daughter, it's the boys. Can anyone relate? Does it get easier? People always say "it gets harder" or "it doesn't get easier, just different". I'm yearning for it to get better! AIBU to hate it?

WasThatACorner · 04/09/2024 17:22

Someone told me that boys around 7/8 years old have a testosterone spike, definitely seemed to be true with all of mine.

It does get easier, they turn into humans who make you a brew. The bit in the middle is a hard slog, don't beat yourself up.

Florence19791 · 04/09/2024 17:28

Parenting is bloody hard from the start, hats off to you for doing it again!
I’d break it down to the bits you don’t like and get their dad to do that. So if it’s noise, you spend an hour reading with them or watching a movie or doing homework or whatever they chill too and then their dad can take them out in the garden and make noise with them etc.
Play to each others strengths. But I’d also look in to why you are so tired, check your bloods.

Shiningout · 04/09/2024 17:30

Mine is six and I only have the one and it's bloody tough op! It's relentless!

Jeezitneverends · 04/09/2024 17:31

It just gets different…

Freshflower · 04/09/2024 17:33

I don't think you are unreasonable to hate parenting. It can be damn hard and you sound at burnout point. How about reaching out for some support on managing challenging behaviours . I've heard a lot of parents talking about noise reducing ear phones , focus on some tunes and drown out the noise they are making. I feel for you. It sounds exhausting and draining

Arrivapercy · 04/09/2024 17:35

The testosterone spike at 7/8 thing is a total myth. Boys testosterone is no different to girls pre puberty. I think at that age the levels in girls are actually slightly higher than boys.

I think all kids this age are energetic and need plenty to keep them busy. Have you got a garden you can send them out in?

Didimum · 04/09/2024 17:36

The twin dynamic can be very, very difficult. Are you a member of the Twins Trust? They have free resources for twin specific parenting.

Arrivapercy · 04/09/2024 17:37

Does their Dad do his share of the parenting? My DH and i each do some of the activities etc for DS and DD and it really does help.

GinnyPiggie · 04/09/2024 17:37

Do you have friends who can support you and give you the odd evening out etc? My mum friends saved me, I think.

Parenting is very, very hard IMO and the weekends on my own were utter bliss. Always have been.

I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on this thread. But don't feel alone.

Original poster

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 17:39

Arrivapercy · 04/09/2024 17:35

The testosterone spike at 7/8 thing is a total myth. Boys testosterone is no different to girls pre puberty. I think at that age the levels in girls are actually slightly higher than boys.

I think all kids this age are energetic and need plenty to keep them busy. Have you got a garden you can send them out in?

Yes and they go out, beat each other up on the trampoline and inevitably one of the kids will come in with an injury. Then they're hungry. Then they're smacking each other. Then they decide a game of chase through the house is the best option, totally trashing the place.

It's just full on all the time.

Definitely going to look into noise cancelling earphones.

OP posts:

MidYearDiary · 04/09/2024 17:40

Are you a SAHM, OP? Can you return to work? I couldn't deal with what you describe for a week, far less years. (Mine is 12 and still very physical...)

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 04/09/2024 17:41

Lots of people say it's harder when they're older. In some ways, I agree- helping DS navigate school, or DD navigate social situations is really hard. But I'll take this over the first 7-8 years of parenting any day. The relentlessness of younger children was awful. I didn't like it much either. I was lucky in that DH was a SAHD for a while and then stepped up to part time work and was the one on the frontline a lot of the time, but even so, it felt never ending. And if you have children that are a bit harder, or who are maturing more slowly or whatever, it's harder and goes on for longer.

I took DD and a friend out to an amusement park the other day. They are now 9. I took DD and the same friend to the same place abotu 18 months ago. I can't tell you how different the experience was this time. There was less whining. There was lots of them entertaining each other. They were a bit more independent - they went on smaller rides whiel I sat on the side, they went into the shop etc etc. They negotiated on rides they wanted to go on. They ate their food without me having to mop them up and fight with them about stupid things. They didn't get so overtired that one of them passed out in the car on the way home....

Honestly, the whole day was a delight. If you'd said that would be my experience 18 months ago, I am not sure I'd have believed you.

Original poster

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 17:41

GinnyPiggie · 04/09/2024 17:37

Do you have friends who can support you and give you the odd evening out etc? My mum friends saved me, I think.

Parenting is very, very hard IMO and the weekends on my own were utter bliss. Always have been.

I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on this thread. But don't feel alone.

Thank you. Yes luckily my family and husband are very supportive and I have regular time to myself. It just never feels like enough. The minute I'm back with the kids, my anxiety is sky high and we're back in the chaos.

It's reassuring to know it's common. I suspect there's a twin element going on. I've never sought "twin" help but think I may need to. They bounce off each other constantly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 17:43

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 04/09/2024 17:41

Lots of people say it's harder when they're older. In some ways, I agree- helping DS navigate school, or DD navigate social situations is really hard. But I'll take this over the first 7-8 years of parenting any day. The relentlessness of younger children was awful. I didn't like it much either. I was lucky in that DH was a SAHD for a while and then stepped up to part time work and was the one on the frontline a lot of the time, but even so, it felt never ending. And if you have children that are a bit harder, or who are maturing more slowly or whatever, it's harder and goes on for longer.

I took DD and a friend out to an amusement park the other day. They are now 9. I took DD and the same friend to the same place abotu 18 months ago. I can't tell you how different the experience was this time. There was less whining. There was lots of them entertaining each other. They were a bit more independent - they went on smaller rides whiel I sat on the side, they went into the shop etc etc. They negotiated on rides they wanted to go on. They ate their food without me having to mop them up and fight with them about stupid things. They didn't get so overtired that one of them passed out in the car on the way home....

Honestly, the whole day was a delight. If you'd said that would be my experience 18 months ago, I am not sure I'd have believed you.

This is so reassuring!

OP posts:

Original poster

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 17:43

MidYearDiary · 04/09/2024 17:40

Are you a SAHM, OP? Can you return to work? I couldn't deal with what you describe for a week, far less years. (Mine is 12 and still very physical...)

I work and it's my lifeline 😂

OP posts:

Marinade · 04/09/2024 17:45

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 17:41

Thank you. Yes luckily my family and husband are very supportive and I have regular time to myself. It just never feels like enough. The minute I'm back with the kids, my anxiety is sky high and we're back in the chaos.

It's reassuring to know it's common. I suspect there's a twin element going on. I've never sought "twin" help but think I may need to. They bounce off each other constantly.

Show quote history

I know its a trope but it does get easier. I think boys that age are so energetic and physical though it is hard work if they channel that in a destructive way. Can you get them medieval plastic armour suits so that they wear themselves playing a duel or something? Do something that will mentally and physically tire them out.... Easier said than done I know.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 04/09/2024 17:46

I'll add that I think that the children you have influences how long this goes on for. Both DH and I found our lives improving immensely when our children started a) sleeping a bit later and b) being perfectly happy to sit on their ipads or whatever when they got up. I didn't realise quite how much that relentlessness of having to get up and MOVING every single day, 7 days a week had worn me down. Even taking turns with lie ins wasn't the same. Now, at least one day on the weekend we all get a chance to sleep in and also just not get moving at the speed of light. I have a good friend whose children are a bit older but are ND and I honestly think both her and her DH's lives would be transformed if they could get their children to be less high maintenance first thing in the morning. I honestly think she hates me a little now because my DC don't jump on my face at 7am every single day!

Wondering101 · 04/09/2024 17:47

I’m a single mum to 4 children twins age 11 then 14 and 16. Things are so much easier now than when at your stage so for me yes it gets easier. Cut yourself a break. Utilise after school clubs, invest in noise blocking earplugs for sensitivity to noise, Be strict with bed time, do you have a breakfast club or after school crèche so one day a week you can get a whole day off. I hated the stage you are at. I was grateful when the kids went to visit their dad. It’s much better now and my kids are mostly my friends and they make me laugh. I’m also at full time work and I feel like I’m a person again. Teen years were tough with my daughter but my son so far has been much easier so you may get lucky with your sons in teen years. My sons are also more helpful now they are older and actually do jobs. Good luck

Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange · 04/09/2024 17:47

Yep, SAHM here, it’s so hard, debated a third for years but think it would finish us off, we just don’t have it in us to dig deep and start again / cope with a baby / toddler again

BottomlessBrunch · 04/09/2024 17:51

They sound like my nephew who is absolutely exhausting from morning till night I come away tired after just an afternoon.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser has it spot on with how much easier it is not having to be get up and go right from the off. I absolutely hated it.
My youngest is 10 now and it's so lovely on weekend mornings to just go and start with a slow pace from coffee/juice in bed while watching screen or having a lie in as she will go down and occupy herself.

My older ones are teens and I'd take this stage every day of the week over the younger years. Still come with stresses yes but much less physical stress.

Haroldwilson · 04/09/2024 18:06

To some extent, I think the way we think about parenting is off. We anticipate it will be enjoyable and fulfilling. Then when it's hard, we resent it.

Maybe it's better to be like a Buddhist monk or something, not expecting that it's an experience that gives you anything, it's just something you do and live with. Good times a bonus.

dairyfairy21 · 04/09/2024 18:09

Yes it does get better

Just had the best summer holiday ever.

Kids went out on their own with their friends all day long.

They are 10 & 12.

Their step brother 15 working on the beach cafe opposite the beach my kids are on all day.

The only downside is that they eat out and buy drinks all day long so it was quite pricey.

I made them do jobs around the house in the end so that they would have money to go out.

Dishwasher load and unload
Entertaining their younger sibling
Tidying up the house / their mess in general.

Original poster

Werehalfwaythere · 04/09/2024 18:12

Wondering101 · 04/09/2024 17:47

I’m a single mum to 4 children twins age 11 then 14 and 16. Things are so much easier now than when at your stage so for me yes it gets easier. Cut yourself a break. Utilise after school clubs, invest in noise blocking earplugs for sensitivity to noise, Be strict with bed time, do you have a breakfast club or after school crèche so one day a week you can get a whole day off. I hated the stage you are at. I was grateful when the kids went to visit their dad. It’s much better now and my kids are mostly my friends and they make me laugh. I’m also at full time work and I feel like I’m a person again. Teen years were tough with my daughter but my son so far has been much easier so you may get lucky with your sons in teen years. My sons are also more helpful now they are older and actually do jobs. Good luck

Thanks so much, that's very reassuring. I can't wait to just sit and chat with them or play a game without it descending into bad behaviour. They're sweet kids, just highly charged with parents who are probably out of their depth 🥴

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Flibflobflibflob · 04/09/2024 18:17

I find signing up to loads of physical activity clubs quite helpful. Try to get them into a sport, you’ll have to take them there but while they are there they aren’t trashing the house, you can breath a bit and hopefully burn off some energy.

JanuaryBirthdays · 04/09/2024 18:35

Age 7/8 has been the absolute worst age for both my boys - the silliness/hyperness/tantrums/answering back etc was every day.
Year 4 in school changed my eldest, literally overnight. He's got less rage, matured a LOT, is able to handle situations without flying off the handle etc. He's lovely to parent now, but at one point was the hardest.
My middle son is currently age 8 and we're still going through it. My other son is almost 2 🤡.
It does get easier, they come out the other side eventually!
I find exercise helps to burn off their need to move around constantly, being silly with them helps them connect with you, and again, excercise - hugely important to get some peace. Best wishes to you!