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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending your parents a wedding anniversary card

52 replies

Needablueskyholiday · 27/07/2024 09:51

For context - my husband sends his parents a wedding anniversary card every year. His parents married before he was born. I think it’s weird? He said he’s always done it and his mum would be upset if he didn’t. On big anniversaries he buys gifts, as again his mum would be upset if he didn’t.

YANBU - yes that’s weird
YABU - nothing wrong with that

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 27/07/2024 11:25

My mum took a gigantic huff once we were married that I didn't send her and my dad a card on their wedding anniversary. I was like why would I send you a card, I wasn't there and iv never sent one before.

muddyford · 27/07/2024 11:26

I always send my parents an anniversary card. Coming up 65 years. They were married before I was conceived. That was how it used to be.

toastofthetown · 27/07/2024 11:27

I don't do it for my parents, but don't think it's weird to do so either. Different people mark different occasions with cards.

Floralnomad · 27/07/2024 11:28

My in-laws always expected an anniversary card when FIL was still alive , I found it very odd .

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 27/07/2024 11:36

I've always thought that children doing this is a bit odd. I did buy them cards & gifts for their Ruby & golden and, if they're still alive, will do for subsequent big ones. On other years, I just point out that my existence is the best result of their marriage!

AllstarFacilier · 27/07/2024 11:36

Unless it’s a big anniversary/celebration/party, I don’t ever give anyone an anniversary card. I’ve got enough dates to remember without bringing in other people’s marriages, and I see it more of a thing to do between the couple.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/07/2024 11:40

muddyford · 27/07/2024 11:26

I always send my parents an anniversary card. Coming up 65 years. They were married before I was conceived. That was how it used to be.

What's that supposed to mean? My parents were married over 70 years ago (also before I was conceived) but I didn't send them cards except for their 50th when we had a 'do'.

FraeBonnieBentos · 27/07/2024 11:42

I'm loving "tombola anniversaries"!!!

Fine if it's not your thing, but I really don't see how you can call it weird. On that basis, you would never give a birthday card to your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents or anybody else older than you - because you weren't there when they were born. My (lovely) MIL gives me a card every year on my birthday, even though she had no knowledge of my existence for the first 18 years of my life.

In fact, you had no idea what was going on when you were being born, so you could just as easily call it weird for anybody to give their parents mothers' day or fathers' day cards, celebrating an event of which they had no conscious understanding.

You usually give a card for the benefit of your loved one receiving it, and acknowledging that it is a very special day for them; it isn't something you do to make yourself feel special or centred in somebody else's significant day - although there is an old joke about the man who was so arrogant that he sent his mother a 'congratulations' card every year on his birthday!

Gingerbread34 · 27/07/2024 11:47

Oh this is weird I was literally thinking about this yesterday as it's my anniversary next week and we always get cards off my parents, in laws and older family members. I always think it's nice but a bit unnecessary. DH and I don't really bother with anniversary stuff. We might go for a meal but don't do presents or cards for each other. My parents used to insist that me and my brother got them cards AND gifts for their anniversary when we were younger. It was only when I went to uni and mentioned it to my bemused flatmates that I realised it wasn't the norm and questioned it. DM doesn't mind now but she was huffy about it at first!

Homesweethome23 · 27/07/2024 11:55

I don’t get the relevance that they married before he was born, they were also born before he was and i am guessing he also gets them birthday cards?

My siblings and I also buy our parents anniversary cards. Every family is different some like to celebrate all birthdays/anniversary’s with cards/presents some don’t. Nothing wrong with either.

FancyPantsRichMcgee · 27/07/2024 11:59

What's that supposed to mean? My parents were married over 70 years ago (also before I was conceived) but I didn't send them cards except for their 50th when we had a 'do'.

Op mentions that her husbands parents were married before he was born in her OP, as if it was relevant to what it's odd her dh chooses ti send his parents a card. Sort of like maybe she'd understand why he wants to send his parents anniversary cards if it was a wedding dh could remember or was part of.

I l think the pp was just making a point that most people were married before choosing to have children when she was born, and that buying the parents who were married before having her isn't weird. Plenty of people do it and plenty of people don't.

ShutTheFuckUpCakes · 27/07/2024 12:03

I was a bridesmaid for both of my parents weddings (not to each other, they'd separated before I was born). So I do remember the weddings and I do send cards. Unsure if I'd feel the same had they married before I was born though.

BeyondMyWits · 27/07/2024 12:03

Not our sort of thing, but we have a tradition in our family that if you go to the wedding you send a card on the first anniversary. It was sooooo lovely on our first that the letterbox had soooo many cards. Felt like a special reminder of the day.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/07/2024 12:17

FancyPantsRichMcgee · 27/07/2024 11:59

What's that supposed to mean? My parents were married over 70 years ago (also before I was conceived) but I didn't send them cards except for their 50th when we had a 'do'.

Op mentions that her husbands parents were married before he was born in her OP, as if it was relevant to what it's odd her dh chooses ti send his parents a card. Sort of like maybe she'd understand why he wants to send his parents anniversary cards if it was a wedding dh could remember or was part of.

I l think the pp was just making a point that most people were married before choosing to have children when she was born, and that buying the parents who were married before having her isn't weird. Plenty of people do it and plenty of people don't.

Thanks. She seemed to be implying that you should send them a card as that was what was done in the past which is not my personal experience.

NewName24 · 27/07/2024 12:27

I never did, and I don't expect my dc to, but I don't think it is 'weird'.
So I haven't voted.
Some people are just 'send a card on any occasion' people, and the rest of us aren't. It's just different, not weird.

LlynTegid · 27/07/2024 12:43

I am surprised, I would expect you might want somehow to celebrate 25, 40 or 50 years of marriage. Not every year, other than maybe to mention it when you speak to them.

FraeBonnieBentos · 27/07/2024 14:12

LlynTegid · 27/07/2024 12:43

I am surprised, I would expect you might want somehow to celebrate 25, 40 or 50 years of marriage. Not every year, other than maybe to mention it when you speak to them.

Do you think the same about birthdays too? If it's not a milestone one then just ignore the date and treat it like any other - maybe spend it cleaning the oven or scrubbing out and bleaching the wheelie bin?

Marriage means different things to different people, I suppose. Some just do it because they think they 'should' for social reasons; some do it for the tax/legal benefits; but for many of us, it's a very important commitment that we've actively made because of love.

I get that it's not for everybody, which is perfectly fine; but for a load of us, it isn't just an afterthought or an arbitrary decision like what colour car to buy or which supermarket to use: it's an enormously significant part of our lives.

ginasevern · 27/07/2024 14:18

Love the way the OP says the parents were married before her DH was born, as if that was unusual or even relevant.

Cantstopthenoise · 27/07/2024 15:21

My parents were married before I was born and I get them a card and a gift every year, ever since I was a teenager and went to the shop to buy them a card with my own pocket money. It will be their 45th anniversary this September so no doubt I will want to get them a gift and card this year.

zingally · 27/07/2024 15:32

My sister and I clubbed together to get our parents a gift for their 25th anniversary.
We got them a card each for their 40th, and I "assisted" dad in buying mum a ruby necklace.
He passed away unexpectedly 5 months later.

It'll be their 50th in 2027, as assuming mum is still around then (she's fit as a fiddle and loving life at the moment!), we plan to get her a little something "from dad" to mark the day. It's not her fault he died!

usersuserse · 27/07/2024 16:00

there's nothing weird about it.

The fact you think it's weird suggests you don't come from a happy or close family. If your parents are happy together, why wouldn't you celebrate that?

budgiegirl · 27/07/2024 16:06

It's not weird, lots of people do this. We (DH and I) always used to send cards to our parents for their anniversaries, before both our dads died. We also used to send presents for 'big' anniversaries.

It was our anniversary yesterday, and both of our mums sent cards, and my MIL also gave us some money to go out for meal. I think it's nice to acknowledge these events.

flyinghen · 27/07/2024 16:08

We send both our parents Anniversary cards every year and always have as children and then young adults. They send us a card too. Definitely not weird!

notatallsureaboutthis · 27/07/2024 16:10

Cards are important to my parents, so I send them one, and often a gift too. Next year they have been married for 60 years, they are going to get a card and a whole lot more!

They also send me and DH an anniversary card, and DH and I give each other a card too.

TeenToTwenties · 27/07/2024 16:12

@notatallsureaboutthisTo get them a card from the King you need to electronically send in copy of marriage certificate 3-6 weeks before.