How did you come a better parent to an ASD child?

[Cookiecrumblepie]

I have a suspected ASD child (waiting for assessment atm). Son is full of rage, answers back all the time, rude, challenging, throws stuff at me etc. I find myself getting angry even though I know his actions aren’t intentional. If you have a neurodiverse or challenging child (age 4-6) what things did you do to become a better parent?

I am also seeking professional help but thought I would ask here.

AIBU to ask for things you’ve done to be a better parent to a neurodiverse child?

Read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

Also the more recent versions of How to Talk So Kids Listen.

Check out Spectrum Gaming website.

I read loads, did the Cygnet course. But I was quite a baby/child-led parent to start with, so I didn't find it much of a style shift.

Found my tribe of supportive SEN parents. Your existing friends won’t get it. You need to find support for yourself, and learn from what other parents have tried. The biggest improvement in my parenting came when I started going to regular autism support groups.

NB you have to develop a sixth sense for when they're overwhelmed and kicking out because they cannot cope, and when you need to make clear that that type of response isn't OK. It's much easier to do that with the sort of framework in your head that Ross Greene sets up. I'm not advocating allowing your kids to be rude or destructive - but you can't effectively stop that behaviour without equipping you and eventually your child with tools to stop getting to that point.

Occupational therapy. Calming activities.
Look at the progress you are making. (Meltdowns get shorter, and less often and less intense)

Entered my child's world instead of getting him to try enter mine. Learning the triggers and avoiding them or quickly redirecting. Positive praise

Let a lot of shit go and took things day by day.

Walk away when she challenges me, even if for only a few minutes.

Recognise that the child does love you, they're just having a harder time than most.

My son is 25, diagnosed age 3. Back in the beginning I felt very alone. My son was and still is non verbal and has little understanding and at 5 years old he was a very placid little boy with no behavioural issues and did well in mainstream infants. There were no other diagnosed SEN children in the whole school and I always felt on the outskirts, not really having anything in common with other parents. Once he started at a special school in year 3 it was refreshing to meet other parents. Now most of my friends are SN parents. It really helps to speak to people that don’t judge and get it. My son now unfortunately isn’t placid and can be very aggressive. At 6ft and 16 stone it’s difficult . I think these days it’s probably even harder to find support as there is too much “advice” and criticism of parents who dare to mention that their child is difficult. Find people in the same boat and steer clear of forums if you see a hint of people trying to belittle you. It doesn’t do your blood pressure or your mental health any good.

You do not attempt for your child to do the same things as your friends’ children. You also do not do what society thinks should be done with children. You focus only on your own child and what’s going on with them and respond how you intuitively want to. And you ignore the comments made by people who see snapshots of your life.

Let my standards drop, not on the stuff that matters, but a lot more consideration of if I'm making them do something for a reason, or if I'm just doing what other people do.

Eg. Does it matter if DC play in the garden in pajamas? They're warm and comfortable and I can always change them into clean pj's later.

Does it matter if they have cucumber sticks with a hot meal instead of cooked veg? Both are healthy and fine

Do we have to go to groups/ activities? Just because other kids enjoy that stuff doesn't mean they have to.

Once I removed all the unnecessary demands, they were far more able to cope with the stuff they actually need to do.

Look after yourself. Shouting doesn't help. (We have all tested that one ) If you are as rested as you can be. And as least stressed as you can be it helps.

Look up lots of strategies and find the ones that work for you.

Be reflective in your parenting. Learn triggers, stresses, what works, what doesn't.

Change your attitude... Remember you are parenting a child with additional needs try to let go of the oughts/shoulds of NT children and parent the kid you got. It is really hard to do this.

Get to know Sen parents...this helps. You need people who will appreciate the fact that you got your kid to school by 10.30 and won't have conniptions!

I'm not a parent but I worked with autistic children in a care home.
We followed a few basic principles.
Routine, clear simple instructions, minimal noise, calming colours and no clutter, consistency, healthy diet, regular exercise and fresh air, decent bed times and routine.
These children were classed as 'severe learning difficulties ' but all children would benefit from this approach.

We got him an ADHD diagnosis alongside ASD. He has just aced his SATs because once he was on meds, he could focus and concentrate.

Additionally, I very much reduce demands at home to a minimum and focus on the positive. Very few rules apart from ‘be polite and considerate in all your interactions’. Lots of chilling and doing very little, with the expectation that school requires effort and focus.

I did the cygnet course, a course run by the OT, a course run by Yvonne Newbold and read how to talk so kids will listen, the explosive child and the autism discussion pages red book

But it basically boiled down to letting go of reward/sanction based parenting to relationship based.

Remove unnecessary demands
Read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish (it works for SEN kids especially well, although that is not the original scope of book)
Think about how you communicate information. My son was often triggered by some phrases (ie Bedtime! Or Stop Playing! It's bedtime! Or That's the End! Or Turn it Off!), and then bewildered by long instructions, like were going out now so our your shoes on and get ready.
Break things down into positive chunks. Sit on step. Now shoes. Next coat

Better parent?

Make sure you look after yourself so you are in a good position mentally to support them.

Take time out and replenish, don't feel guilty.

Thanks so much for all these replies I will definitely do some reading and work through these suggestions with my husband.

Low demand parenting. Staying calm. Finding out their sensory needs and meeting them. Sticking to your word and making sure they are clear on what's happening and when.

There is a Facebook group called Autism Inclusivity. I've found that really helpful. Parents of autistic children can post questions which only autistic people answer.

I echo all of PPs. Low demand. Pick your battles. I would pick one or two things that my DS needed to work on and then I just focused on them. Let other stuff go until he had made those things proper learnt behaviour then onto the next. Remember as well, you are not parenting a NT child. Normal strategies don't always work. Sometimes even books about parenting a ND child dont work! I threw the book out the window and just really took the time to listen and watch my DS so I could articulate what he needed when he couldn't.

Get rid of the word should.
A lot of expectation for normal or typical behaviours is hidden in the word should.

Your experience of parenting is likely to be far different from those parenting and Neurotypical child.

Take time for yourself, understand that you will make mistakes and don't blame yourself for them, as you are still learning.
Mine are now older than yours, and I still make mistakes occasionally. I've learnt to apologise to my children when I do so, and we have great open lines of communication now. I do remember what it was like at the coal face around 4 to 6 years old.

I found one technique that worked very well for me at times of high stress or when I felt like I was going to shout was to explain that I was feeling overwhelmed and ask them to give me a few minutes, setting a timer. Not only did this help calm a situation, but my kids now ask me to give them a few minutes when they're stressed. Hope this helps.

Oh, and I explored my own triggers, which actually led to a diagnosis for me too!

Ignored everyone else!!!!

Alongside all the things mentioned above.

You need to work from where your child is at developmentally and not what chronological age they are. Generally the rule is they are 2/3 of their chronological age emotionally and socially if there are no learning difficulties thrown in.

So if your child is 4 they will likely respond like a 2-2.5yo to social and emotional situations.

You would respond to a toddler differently to a 4yo.

So when they are having a meltdown think about what you'd do if that was a toddler tantrum. Respond that way. Wait it out, explain, give time in, remind them if the schedule etc.

All of this, and go to bed earlyml. Boring as it is.

I also stopped trying to be the parent I thought I might be - so didn't join the pta, the church Sunday school rota etc. just getting there is enough for us.

Mine is 15 now and doing much better than at 4. I would recommend to prioritise regulation over everything else. Because when neurodiverse children are regulated they are actually able to learn and enjoy so much more of life. So the more you cut back on dysregulating, unnecessary stuff, the more you open them up to taking and enjoying more from life.
Also - in the moment is not the time to correct whatever is happening when the dysregulation comes - the logical, rational part of the brain is not there in that moment. Wait for it to pass, and then you can work on a strategy.

Stopped trying to fit him into the slots that come with normal life and accept that not only was he 'different' but I had to accept that what he needed/needs from me is different too.

Developed an ever thicker skin than the one I was blessed with and ate a lot of shit and rode plenty of storms. The only thing I would have done differently was to have accepted my 'lot' much earlier and not have trusted so easily that people knew what they were doing and have been so outraged that many actually didn't.