How to deal with my mentally ill adult sibling

[Carly944]

I'm 38 and my brother is 42. He has always had mental health issues. But lately he's been getting worse.

We both had very bad childhoods.
We didn't have a dad and our mother was abusive. So we have suffered.

However as an adult I am now working full time and living by myself.

He is not working , he is on disability allowance for mental health issues.

We have an entangled relationship. In that I know he had a really bad childhood and I feel sorry for him, and i feel a bit responsible to help him....yet I also feel like he is making my life a misery as an adult. There's only so much I can do for him. I have to look after myself. Any suggestions I make, he ignores. He says he's isolated. I say "why don't you go and join this group you went to ages ago, you liked it there' but he won't go. He has one part time support worker that goes round and helps him.

He has talked about suicide and death many many times to me. Nearly on every third phone call he says he wants to die. . He has never attempted suicide that i know of. So I believe that when he says he wants to die, it is how he is expressing his suffering in words, it doesn't mean he's actually going to go out and kill himself.

However him saying it to me all the time, is causing me a huge amount of stress.

He also expects me to jump to help him whenever he wants me. And it is really stressing me out. Especially as he talks in such extreme ways. He never says 'I'm feeling bad". It's always "I want to die

Ill talk about two issues in particular.

For example three weeks ago he felt he had a panic attack late at night, and he called an ambulance to bring him into hospital. he started ringing me at 11.30 pm. I was in bed. I had to get up to go to work the next day at 6am. I have a very stressful job. I didn't answer his calls.

He then left me voicemails saying

"contact me now. I'll be dead soon!"

I did start crying at this. He was discharged the next day. And i rang him back the next day and I said he upset me and that I had to get up for work very early the next morning. And he said "eh are you aware i nearly died".

He's angry with me and said "you didn't care that I had a psychotic break' and "are you aware that I nearly died" and he called me cold. And be said that I wasn't there for him.

and I tried to explain that I have to work very early.

I said "you called me at nearly midnight. I had to get up to work the next day at 6am".

He doesn't work.

The whole next week during every one of my lunchbreaks, I spent every one of my lunchbreaks calling some therapists and support services to go and help him. He's my older brother. I didn't get any thanks or acknowlegement for this

Then last week I was on booked annual leave, and I went on holiday abroad. This is the only holiday I will get all year. I called him on the last day of my holiday, yesterday, I was there (more fool measto say hello.

The first thing he said was "I think we should go our separate ways and not talk to each other anymore. " I said " why" and he said " because you weren't there for me when i was in hospital". I said again to him "I had to work early the next morning". As soon as I had time to help you the next week , I called lots of support services for you. I did that on my lunchbreak. He has said before to me at various times that he won't talk to me again, because I've "done something wrong"

He can never grasp that I have to work. He never thinks about my day. Its all about him.

Then in the same phonecall he said "I want to die. There's no point in living. I'm going to do euthansia".

This is obviously upsetting to listen to whem im on my holiday. I did burst out crying after the call. Like i feel i cant even go to spain without listening to the most awful things. Like he will say the most extreme things. Until I feel dead with stress.

I got off the phone with him yesterday, and I was roaring crying. I was thinking "this is my only holiday all year from my really stressful job, and I have to listen to him talking about death and dying again. It's terribly stressful to listen to. Hearing someone say they want to die over and over, is incredibly upsetting to listen to. It makes me feel ill to hear it.

I rang him this morning and I said "it's my only holiday all year, can you not talk about death and dying for once.

And he said "well don't ask me how I am then" and hung up on me.

And I know if I ever ring him in the future, he will say I was nasty to him

I'm just not sure what to do. I just feel absolutely ill with stress from it all. We have no other siblings.

Sometimes it feels like I can't escape. I don't know how to handle him.

You both had the same horrible childhood with abuse and pain … you are still being manipulated just by your brother now. Gently I hope you are having therapy to deal with your childhood and manipulation from your brother.

You genuinely can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

You are not his therapist, you have done more than most people. I would start to call the police to do welfare checks and advise your brother of charities he can call and speak to people. You deserve to be happy too , you only get one life

Do you remember the girl in Love actually where she likes the guy at work but her brother keeps calling her? That was really awful because you saw that she wasn't allowed to have a life.

Don't be that person.

You had a tough childhood and you deserve a good adulthood. I would really strictly limit all conversation to half an hour a week, to be followed by an activity with someone else that makes you feel happy. the thing is that what you are doing now isn't working. It isn't making him any happier. He is very very manipulative and is using you as a punch bag. To be honest if I could move far away from him I would.

He's abusing you.

You need to put boundaries in place. How much are you prepared to help? How often do you want to see him/speak to him?

Work out what's manageable for you and do that. You can support your brother but you also need to support your self.

I feel very sorry for both of you. I totally understand how this is dragging you down and causing you a huge amount of stress. But at the same time, you can’t really phone him and tell him not to express how awful he is feeling because it sounds like he hasn’t got anything else to tell you at the moment. I think some professional counselling for you (maybe through your employee assistance program at work if you have one) would help you talk through how to handle this. My daughter is mentally unwell and it helped me. One thing I was told was that she wasn’t expecting me to ‘fix’ everything when she calls me in distress. He might just want someone to acknowledge how hard that particular moment was for him. Just telling him how sorry you are that he is struggling or how scared he must have felt is comforting but it isn’t your job to make him better. When you take that pressure off yourself it becomes less painful.

Oh OP you sound lovely please take a step back he is not your responsibility and you can't fix him I tried for years helping my dysfunctional family to no avail 🥹look after yourself first and foremost 💐

Unfortunately you're dancing to his tune and I feel this gives him some power over you. You need to set boundaries, turn your phone off in the evening, don't be so available to him. You both had a dreadful time growing up but it wasn't your fault and you can't now make your brother better.The only person who can help him is himself, maybe he likes the drama he creates and how you react to it. If you keep dancing to his tune nothing is ever going to change. I wish you well going forward but put yourself first for a change.

OP, please step away from him.
You cannot fix him and your health is clearly suffering. Who will support you? It certainly will not be him. It is sad but please listen to posts who write that you should never set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
He is extremely manipulative and is using you as his emotional punching bag.
You cannot save him, save yourself.

No, but it could make her life easier

Sounds very difficult
You'd be right to set very clear boundaries
Put your phone on silent when you need to sleep
Let him know he can call 999/crisis team if he needs to
You might be feeling stuck/all over the place because this is how he feels but can't contain it so gives it to you
Consider getting your own therapist too
Unfortunately he needs to take responsibility which is clearly very difficult for him but it's not up to you to enable him in this unreasonable behaviour
All you can do is be very clear with him what's reasonable/unreasonable and if he does like it, he can go and vent to his therapist and perhaps take some time to understand himself

*doesn't like it

Go no contact, he's abusive and toxic.

He will drag you down, let him find someone else to abuse and put on.
Think of your own mental health.

Blimey what a drain
Tell him you need some fun, laughter and banter in your life not all his crap.

Think of yourself.

My DB was in poor mental health most of his life and I understand it's draining. If your DB will get some help you'd feel better too but if he won't engage there's so little you can do. If it's a a few months you can cope but when it just goes on for years it becomes too much. Could you point out, gently, that you suffered too and you find it hard to be constantly reminded?

But there's a big difference between "I've been thinking about harming myself" and "I'm going to kill myself and then you'll be sorry". Everything OP has told us, despite her clear desire to be fair to her brother, is painting a picture of the latter.

Hi op, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it can be as I have been in an almost identical situation. I haven't been in touch with my brother for over a year now and the feeling of relief has been immense. I know where he lives and that he is alive, but that's all. I spent over 10 years trying to help him, and then realised that the outcome was that I was broken, and he was still the same. It affected my health and my marriage and my ability to parent. I've decided that perhaps when my children have left home and don't need me as much, then I might reach out to him, but currently I'm looking after myself more and focusing on my own children. I remember playing with them when they were little, but not being 'there' at all, as I was waiting for a phone call (the phone ringing still fills me with terror) from my poor mum about his behaviour, or from him to blame me for everything that was wrong in his life. I missed so much of my boys growing up in that sense. I would recommend stepping right back, or perhaps blocking contact for some time. I did try phrases like 'you are behaving abusively to me, I'm going to hang up on you now. Please call back if you can be polite to me... etc' and trying to stay super calm during difficult conversations, but in the end even that was too hard as there was always the fear and anxiety of him calling me at any time of day/night. 💐

I'm so sorry to read your posts OP, and those of others who've experienced similar. And I feel sorry for your DB too, sounds like you've both been through a lot.

It's impossible for anyone here to know whether your DB genuinely intends to harm himself or if it's to keep you enmeshed. You have worked hard to move on from your past and he hasn't and he sees that, so it could all be to make sure your wings remain cropped.

What I can tell you is that my DM has been threatening me with killing herself for 50 years, yet she's in her 80s and still very much alive. For someone like DM the threats are all about dominance and control through your terror and guilt, and I'm not sure if people like this can change. Like OP with DB, my DM made me very ill but instead of any flicker of self-awareness or willingness to change she was determined it was nothing to do with her and carried on heaping on the fear and guilt. Ask yourself OP, if your DB pushes you to a breakdown would he finally realise what he was doing to you & stop? Would he change?

Your shared past cannot be altered so the only thing that matters right now is that your DB is making you ill. Your first responsibility must be to yourself. My advice:
Drop the rope.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

As airlines tell you - put your own mask on first before you help others.

Limit contact, even block his number if you need a break. Every death threat call social services and report him. It will either call his bluff & he'll pack it in or get him in front of people who are qualified to help him.

The thing is I know he is genuinely unwell and I feel desperately sad for him,

And at the same time, I feel like he is going to make me have a complete breakdown myself.

I constantly feel desperately stressed.

And it's a confusing one, because it's like where do you set the boundary.

Because obviously he's acting terribly because he is desperately mentally unwell.

So i feel really guilty any time I'm not there for him. He certainly makes me feel guilty.

But also I'm not his carer and I need to look after myself, before I have a total breakdown myself.

I just feel so sad about it all

I also have to work in a job where I have a lot of responsibility, so if I don't get sleep, get stressed late at night, I'll make mistakes the next day.

I just always feel so terribly guilty.

But I have to put myself first to survive

💐 this sounds tough

I absolutely understand how you feel.My partner has CPTSD.Latest suicide attempt was last night.He took an overdose,I had to ring the police as an emergency.I spend hours of my day ringing doctors,therapists and sorting out all of his medical needs.Its never ending.We also have 3 kids and a baby here,and I do all of the caring for them.Its exhausting.If you can put boundaries in place,absolutely do it.You need to put yourself first xx

No that's incorrect. He did call me. He rang me on day 1 and day 2 of my holiday. I told him that I would be turning my phone off for the rest of my holiday as I needed a rest. I did explain to him several times that I was on holiday before I went and when I just got there

Then I called him back on the last day of my holiday, i wanted a normal chat, i just wanted to tell him id done some nice things on my hols, and that's when he spoke about death and dying again on that call

I think you need to rethink the idea that he's behaving badly only because he's mentally unwell, and consider instead whether he's behaving badly as well as being mentally unwell.

Because I think you are taking too much on here and for as long as you are willing to do that, he has no incentive to take responsibility for himself.

Can you think back to a time, any time, when he was more psychologically stable and yet still behaved badly towards you? A time when he was unkind or manipulative, that you can see clearly was just him being him, rather than him being in the grip of mental illness?

I just think you need to find a way to harden your heart a bit, or you're going to end up going pop.

2 things I suggest you do as soon as you can

Don’t JADE with him, justify, argue, defend, explain anything to him where he is demanding your time and energy.

A low level very private relationship where you share very little would probably be best.

You cannot save other people and serious mental health issues require professional treatment which you are not equipped to give. Keep the relationship to a level you can tolerate it at not what a healthy family relationship might look like. It is not possible to achieve.

You say you're not a carer but you are taking on some elements of a caring role so you'd be entitled to seek support for yourself as a carer. It might be helpful to link in with carer organisations and get support from them. Action for Carers is one but it depends on your location. It doesn't mean you have to take on more responsibility for him at all! That would not be expected. It might be helpful in terms of seeking support for yourself. Talking to other people who are in similar situations can be helpful.
Just a thought.
Look after yourself

Yeah it's very hard because obviously I'm worried all the time that he will kill himself.

Yet at the same time he has said it to me so many times that he is going to do it, that I don't jump now at every time he says it.

And then I feel desperately guilty afterwards.

I just have nothing left to give him.

He went into hospital that time and i wasn't kind to him and now I feel bad about it.

But the reason I wasn't super kind was i had gone to visit him a week before at his flat - and he wasn't very nice to me when I went to visit him

So when he rang me from the hospital late at night a week later, I wasn't very nice to him. I wasn't nasty to him, I just wasn't kind and supportive. But I was so desperately tired.

And now I feel guilty about that.

He keeps saying to me that i wasn't there for him when he was in hospital.

But I just have nothing left to give him

He asked me to look up private caring companies for him.

I did that and I sent him a Facebook message yesterday with the name and phone number of the private caring company.

And I just looked today and I saw that he had deleted my message, because he's still annoyed at me for not being there for him when he went into hospital.

I don't think me and him are good for each other, cuz I've had to deal with him for so long that I have absolutely nothing left to give him. And I end up getting frustrated and snappy with him. But I gave him the number of a private caring company and I know he probably won't ring them.

I'll just try and take a step back for a while