Don’t want to relocate

[Supermomma17]

Hi,

my husband and I are have different opinions on this and I’m seeking others who perhaps been in the same situation.

he want to move us from Scotland to West Yorkshire and I’m said I will consider it which I will do and have been doing for weeks now but there is absolutely nothing there that makes me want to give up our lives and jobs here to live there. I’ve made a list of pros and cons and the cons for me are far outweighing the pros. For him the pros outweigh the cons but he’s looking at it from an emotional point of view not practical.

the reason he want to go is support woyh our 3 children which we don’t have here.. not consistent enough anyway ( ie help after school, in the mornings. When kids are sick etc when we need to work) his mum could provide that for us.
all his friends have lives and I think from an emotional point of view he thinks that will pick up where he left off 12 years ago but going from my experience of becoming a mum with all the good will in the world friendships are hard when you all have kids different ages and live in different places, life gets busy! I don’t think we will have the social network he thinks we will have.

which brings me to my side of things! I love where we live: I’m happy all be it lack of support for kids but he does put a lot of barriers in place re leaving them with people. 2 of the have additional needs so they are hard work but they are settled here, have friends and clubs and don’t cope with transitions well. We have special base placements for one already and the other is on the process of trying to get that. We have medication for them which our gp writes prescriptions for so we don’t need to pay privately for them. I’m scared to move them for the lack of asd /adhd support in England or so I’ve been researching/seeing!
also the area in which his mum lives just isn’t for me.. call me snobby, call me whatever you want but the area is grim. To make this work we need to be close enough for her to help and I get depressed just visiting the area.. the nicer parts are usually little villages which I just can’t live in. We live in a big town with nice amenities and a huge network of local facilities. The thought of village life isn’t for me at all. we have a beautiful home, in a beautiful safe , small quiet estate. I’ve been searching for properties for a month or so now and nothing is jumping out at me.. housing is more expensive and smaller or same size as we already have so we will need to up our mortgage to buy a bigger property. Again the thought of increasing our living costs just now to gain the same standard of home as we are in just now is filling me with dread. I know I’m looking for reasons not to move and I suspect there are issues here other than moving.. ie loss of control etc but in truth I don’t want to move! I’m willing to consider its which I feel I have and for me it’s made me clearer I don’t want to do this. To leave all our lives, jobs, schools etc to relocate with very little security in that being a good thing for us. I’d rather struggle with the kids then downgrade our lives for a bit of help.. I mean the kids will grow out of this stage! We’ve worked so hard to provide a good life for our kids to throw it’s away and move to a place I’m unhappy in… the cost of moving would be unrealistic to easily move home. Renting is impossible due to the kids school, it would tie us to that catchment area or not far out to find a property we love and I’m aware the house for me has to be better than what we have.
am I being totally unreasonable coz I’m putting barriers in the way? Has anyone been int he same situation where you both have differing opinions on moving? How will we even agree on this ?

[Daffidale]

You’ve set out really good reasons to not want to move. I wouldn’t do it. West Yorkshire has nice bits but a lot is a bit grim like you say

Suggest his Mum move closer to you! Not saying she should but when he quite reasonably talks about what an upheaval that would be for her, he’s making your own argument for you

I think you should stand your ground cos if you move you will be unhappy and resentful. I’ve done relocating and ended up unhappy. We made a proper joint decision to do it . If one of us hadn’t wanted to, ending up unhappy would have destroyed us

[Stompythedinosaur]

The time to uproot (if you were going to) was before school. I would want to stay where I was too.

[Hoppinggreen]

I live in Yorkshire and really like it but yes, some bits arent nice.
For me the thing that really stands out is your children. The support you have in place for them sounds really good and I expect was hard won. Trying to do all that again would be a challenge and I know people with SN children who are waiting a long time for even an initial assessment.
In most areas schools are over subscribed as well
I think moving here would be a mistake for you - and I usually advise the opposite !

[Supermomma17]

In all honesty I think it would cause a lot of stress in the relationship. I love him and know he moved up here for me but moving back there is just grim. The nearest town is horrible and old run down mining communitie surrounding it. I’m a city girl, that likes nice bars and restaurants when we go out. I like to be sociable when I’m out: the town he’s from makes me feel unsafe when I’m out, alway fights in town or druggies asking you for money or cigs. At least scottish junkies are harmless lol. Anyway these things don’t seem to exist there either, it’s all just seems like a run down part of the country. I’d live in Leeds but more north Leeds or York but it’s too far for his mum to help the way way need and what’s the point of moving then? I appreciate 30 mins or 1 hour is better than 4. She wouldn’t move I know that.. but I may suggest it and see what they all say. I’m feeling so much peer pressure from his friends and family and I’m sure they all think I’m being a snob coz they live there and don’t think the same as me about it

[RandomMess]

His Mum can say that she will give this support, what if you move and it doesn't materialise or she becomes unwell?

[Supermomma17]

@Hoppinggreen

I live in Yorkshire and really like it but yes, some bits arent nice.
For me the thing that really stands out is your children. The support you have in place for them sounds really good and I expect was hard won. Trying to do all that again would be a challenge and I know people with SN children who are waiting a long time for even an initial assessment.
In most areas schools are over subscribed as well
I think moving here would be a mistake for you - and I usually advise the opposite !

Yeah I just can’t see any benefits to leaving here. We have more money, better education system, free Further education, free prescriptions etc. for me to work there I’ll be talking a £3 an hour pay cut and won’t get the overtime rates. Just more money for less. But my hubby doesn care about all that all he wants is the kids to be closer to his parents and have that grandparent relationship he had with his, which I get too coz I had it and it would be fab for them to have that but it comes at such a cost imo

[Supermomma17]

@RandomMess

His Mum can say that she will give this support, what if you move and it doesn't materialise or she becomes unwell?

Then I will be utterly miserable and raging at leaving my life and all the nice things we have here. Her health isn’t the best tbh so that’s a huge possibility

[RandomMess]

So many families move on the promise of help that doesn't materialise. Don't do it.

[Supermomma17]

@RandomMess

So many families move on the promise of help that doesn't materialise. Don't do it.

I mean I know she would love them to be closers she literally would do anything to help us and them so if it were to not work out then it would be for health reasons but yeah I never thought I’d that

[SpoonyGoldBiscuit]

His parents moving nearer to you sounds a lot more practical idea. I think you should suggest that and then go from there. Ignore pressure from the wider family and friends. If they're so keen to be with you they could move to your area. They're probably happy where they are- as are you and your children so I think your happiness as the mother of two SN children should be paramount here.

[MajorMischa]

You say it would be more expensive to live there. Do a rough guesstimate of additional monthly housing costs, plus the impact of your lower salary, plus the (one-off) £1000s cost of actually moving. Then see if you could use that money to buy in any help with the kids where you are currently.
If you can, then all of your husband's practical arguments are gone. He just wants to move there to be near his family, which is very understandable, but unfortunately for him is trumped by what's best for the kids.

[coxesorangepippin]

Yeah west Yorkshire is not the best


Sound better where you are now tbh

[DisforDarkChocolate]

He's got rose tinted glasses about the amount of support his Mum would be able to provide for your children.

[LauraNorda]

Where exactly does his mother live?

[Supermomma17]

@MajorMischa

You say it would be more expensive to live there. Do a rough guesstimate of additional monthly housing costs, plus the impact of your lower salary, plus the (one-off) £1000s cost of actually moving. Then see if you could use that money to buy in any help with the kids where you are currently.
If you can, then all of your husband's practical arguments are gone. He just wants to move there to be near his family, which is very understandable, but unfortunately for him is trumped by what's best for the kids.

You see he thinks having grandparents close enough would be in their best interests as they love they have for them would trump materialistic stuff. This is where we differ.. he grew up with not a lot and family all around him, I’m an only child who grew up with family 30 mins away

[Dareisayiseethesunshine]

Imo you should not move assuming /hoping /praying other adults will adjust their lives to support yours.... It likely won't happen.
*lots of threads on here for 'proof' I have read over the years..
I lived 3 streets from ils. Their contribution to a relationship with my dc was seeing them 30 mins twice a week when I called round to see them.

[neilyoungismyhero]

If his mum's health is compromised how realistic is it to ask her to provide childcare for any length of time? If your children have special needs could she actually cope with them on her own? I'm more or less fit and healthy but not sure at my age, that I would want to commit to lengthy childcare for long periods of time.
You make a more than excellent case for staying put- it sounds as perfect as you're going to get in your circumstances. Good luck.

[RandomMess]

You are more likely to end up caring for PILs than other way around!

You could pay for them to stay locally and come visit for extended periods of time.

[Notreat]

In your circumstances I wouldn't move. You and your children are settled where you are.
It would be a mistake to move just because of possible childcare support. Your mother in law might think she can provide more than in reality she actually can. It's fine to say yes I would love to do that when it's not real providing it regularly is quite different and might be too much for her.
Also your husband is fooling himself if he thinks he can just slot back into his old life. People move on and things change.

[Quitelikeit]

I think the issue is that you had led him to believe you would move there but have decided at some point you wouldn’t want to and now he’s not very happy that you’ve gone back on your word?

And if you say the addicts in Scotland are friendly then you’re definitely no snob!

I understand all if your reasoning but raising children in a large, living extended family would do far more for them than having no family but some extra material perks.

If her area is so bad but yours is so good I’m surprised your money won’t buy much?! I mean which area is it in Yorkshire?

[siameselife]

It sounds as though moving is to meet DH's wants more that dc's needs.
I wouldn't move unless I thought it would benefit dc either in the short or longer term.
It doesn't sound as this move would.

[PuttingDownRoots]

Moving because you might get more help is s bit pointless.

Is your DH unhappy? Is the "more help" more an excuse because he's homesick?

[Startingagainandagain]

Of the two I would prefer to live in Scotland.

Also it doesn't sounds like a good enough reason to move.

[BloodyAdultDC]

I moved closer to my ex's parents, we were 2 miles from them and 150 miles from my parents.

Guess whose parents saw more of the dc? I never felt more alone with two toddlers than then. You are managing without their practical support now, don't make yourself unhappy by moving for support that might not materialism.

[BloodyAdultDC]

I'm Yorkshire through and through but there are bits I wouldn't move to. I've also lived in Scotland and there are plenty bits there I wouldn't want to live.