Mother visiting- I want her to stay in a hotel rather than with us

[WarmPeachCrow]

Just that really,

as a bit of background we haven’t ever really had the best relationship- she is a classical narcissist and I’m struggling to forgive her for a few significant life events that I think she handled poorly (inc not giving her husband & my late dad a funeral, siding with my ex-husband during our divorce etc) and it makes me angry at myself for not being strong enough to stand up to her.

we’ve got a 1 year old DD whom she has visited a few times. She doesn’t really interact with her much, just declares ‘oh isn’t she big?’ Again and again.

DD is having a little party with a few friends and that’s why she is wanting a visit this time. She has made no secret that she is jealous of DD’s more local grandparents on DPs side.

she lives 300 miles away and will be coming by train. I’ve had variable success in her staying at a hotel during her visits (with a few white lies) but she clearly doesn’t want to stay in a hotel. She cites that she doesn’t like staying in a hotel alone- perceived threats of danger?) She isn’t the worst houseguest but treats my DP like a servant and is a bit messy. I’ve hinted heavily that we’re going through a bit of a sleep regression and I’ve been co-sleeping in the spare room, but she has decided she will sleep on the sofa. I think she wants to think there is a better relationship with me and DD than she has, lots of competition with her friends about daughters/ granddaughters.
i find it so disrespectful but she is very used to getting what she wants….

i think I know the answer but would be grateful for any advice

AIBU-
no- get some courage and request that she stay in a hotel.

yes- she’s your elderly mother she can’t stay on a sofa or a hotel by herself, suck it up for her visits

If she’s talking a night or two, I’d let her stay.

If she’s talking a week, I’d book her into a hotel.

Reply along the lines of, "I'm not sure you'd be very comfortable on the sofa for a few days. Now we are into Spring time DD likes to get up at the crack of dawn and watch CBeebies while eating her breakfast."

If you had a lovely relationship with her and liked her, you wouldn't be on here asking. There's that time old question of 'if you weren't related would you stay friends?'.

Personally, remembering the exhaustion of having a small baby and playing musical beds all night, I'd insist on the hotel and pay if necessary. I wouldn't have wanted someone in my living room at 3am when I might be trying to soothe a baby, pump milk, prep bottles etc.

Much easier to have her in a hotel and round to visit in the day when you've got your game face on.

Surprise dm we have treated you to a hotel.

Not sure why you are keen for her to see dd at all given your own dealings with her...

How old is she? Who would pay for the hotel and is it affordable?

Prime DD with the remote and the sound on loud at 5:30 kids are amazing aren’t they?

Why do you bother seeing her? I would just tell her not to come, she sounds a complete nightmare.

Is she elderly? I wouldn’t put my 80+ year old mum in a hotel alone if she didn’t want to be there, but if she’s 60 and in fine fettle, that would be different.

How long she is staying for is key here, too.

If you don't want her to stay at yours, you just have to say. No games or made up excuses.

'Mum, you're welcome to come to the party but you will need to stay in a hotel. I understand if you would rather not but we can't host you at ours'.

whatever your reasoning, it doesn't matter, no one deserves your time, effort, or resource if you are not willing to give it. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

She side with your ex husband? what? for that alone you won me over.

When it comes to discussing the trip, don't even mention your place as a possible for accomodation. Just go straight in and mention hotels, has she sorted her accomodation, which hotels are nearby, you can't host, you don't have the room, it's simply not possible, she either stays jn a hotel or she doesn't come, simple as.

Sometimes, it's a wonder people don't realise their shitty behaviour has consequences... and those consequences include not getting an open house invitation.

Oh sorry I voted wrong. Did she invite herself? She can stay in a hotel. I don’t think YBU.

I agree with @Boomer55 - it depends how long she's staying. For a night or two I'd put up with her!

No is a full sentence.
Don't give it any more thought honestly. Tell her she cannot stay because its not convenient for you. Don't engage in further discussion about it.
People who don't have narc parents won't understand. You need to have strong clear boundaries.

Are there any small AirBNBs nearby? She might feel more comfortable in one of those rather than a hotel room?

Thank you all for your messages- so good to get perspective :)
for context she’s a good 70, can definitely afford a hotel. And airbnb a great suggestion!
I invited her to the party as obligation rather than actually wanting her there, which says it all really….

It is worth paying for the hotel 100%. Sometimes peace costs money especially with visiting relatives. If she stays with you and upsets you, it will cause a bad atmosphere in the home which is not far on you, your partner and the baby , if she is in a hotel you have your own space and can limit time in small doses which is better all round.

If she’s anything like mine, addressing it directly will cause ructions.

Just be less good at pandering to her. When DD gets up at crack of dawn, go down and make a cup of tea. Cook food she isn’t that keen on, buy the wrong kind of milk or whatever it is she’s fussy about.

And fuss a lot about everything ‘Oh no, I hope we don’t run out of milk/teabags/sugar, we don’t usually use as much as this’.

DM manages to make me mega uncomfortable after she’s insisted I stay, by keeping the radio on loudly all night and worrying about running out of anything she sees me consume. That’s is there’s anything there to start with, I normally have to do quite a big shop on arrival if I want to eat or drink while I’m there.
Oh, and there’s only one comfortable chair which she sits in.

Lesson learnt, only invite people you actually want there 😀

DD is having a little party with a few friends and that’s why she is wanting a visit this time

In future don’t share this kind of information with her. That sounds flippant but I mean it, she won’t add anything to the event except stress.
Let the relationship be on your terms (including no relationship if that’s what you prefer or think is better for DD).

@WarmPeachCrow you dislike her after her turning against you on a few occasions but you are still inviting her to birthday parties?? why the hell are you doing this??? do not tell her anything! do not invite her to yours for anything!! keep it strictly basic! this is all your own doing.

The alternative is to let her stay - but don't make exceptions for her.

If she is messy, point it out and remind her to put it away/clear up.

If she tries to use your DP as a servant, poke your oar in and suggest that she makes her own cup of tea, or fetches her own glasses from the kitchen etc.

Ask her to do load/unload dishwasher etc. while you are sorting out DD.

Don't be mean, but let your life continue as normal.

Hopefully she won't want to stay again

I wouldn't have my M or MIL staying, same reasons ie. Narcissists, and thats the least of the issues.
Hotel is a good option if you cant put the visit off completely - if you can, insist you've booked it already and would lose your deposit !

tell her she needs to book a hotel. The household is unsettled, you’d love to see her at the party, but she needs to book a hotel. If you’re feeling itchy about it now you won’t feel better if she stays. Not one night in your house.

How on earth did you find a 2 year old dilemma and miss the warning before posting 😂😂

I am, in good old Mumsnet speak, baffled by these Zombie threads. How on earth do posters find them??