To think I'm unemployable now?

[sueey]

80s kid grew up with something wrong with me but it wasn't picked up or it was just seen as not very bright.
Was on a reduced timetable at school because I couldn't learn anything and left school with no GCSE's.
Tried many times to do my GCSE's since and failed every time.
Tried various courses and failed them all.
I have never been able to keep a job and although I was offered jobs, I was never able to learn the job so was always let go within a week or two.

I can't drive because I get lost all the time unless I'm in my local area and somewhere I've been millions of times, I can't find my way, get confused with directions and couldn't work out how to get a bus for example on my own so unless I'm with my mum or husband who drive I just don't go out.
I've never had a friend, I'm introvert, socially awkward and full of anxiety, I just struggle with everything, can't follow instructions or even a conversation.
I am married, my husband supports me financially and so do my parents, we'd be better off if I worked but dh says the pressure of the job centre was making me ill so he supports us.
I have been unemployed since I left school so dh supported me since we got married, I'm 41 now.

I feel scared because one day my parents won't be here anymore they're nearly 80 and all I'll have is my husband and if he wasn't there I'd struggle, I couldn't work out bills and things, we do have social housing but it's a joint tenancy so if we split up I'd probably be homeless, unless he moved out which I don't think he would.
He's a nice man so I don't think we'd split but I do worry about being so dependent on him.

I know I need to get a job and a pension but I never keep jobs, I worked in a restaurant and couldn't learn the till so after a few weeks of showing me they let me go, I worked in an office but I couldn't learn the computer system so was let go, I worked in a factory but couldn't pick it up so they let me go, my parents say I'm just not employable.
Is there any hope, would anyone give me a chance and the patience I need?
I think I have a maths problem because that's just a different language to me, no matter how hard I try I can't make head or tail of anything mathematical, I also struggle with comprehending and remembering things, sometimes when I'm shown things I just can't absorb it, it's instantly gone and if someone tells me their name I say it over and over in my head for a few minutes but as soon as someone speaks, it's gone and as I don't recognise faces either I have no ideas who I was just talking to.
I have dc, I love being a mum, my everyday struggles don't seem to affect my parenting, I'm not great with housework but I get by and dh helps out. I'm lucky to have him, I know but I don't know where to go from here.

I have dc, I love being a mum, my everyday struggles don't seem to affect my parenting

Could you look at work involving childcare? Being a childminder; working in a nursery maybe?

I did want to do that but I couldn't pass the childcare course, but yes that would have been perfect.

Oh my, you really have fallen through the cracks.

Have you spoken to your GP? you need to be really honest with them.

What went wrong when you were taking the course - anything you can work on and retake the course? Have you been diagnosed with a disability in relation to your comprehension/memory issues - could you ask for reasonable adjustments?

I think it would be worth going to your GP and seeing if you can be assessed for various conditions that might be linked to your challenges? Then maybe you can access help that might make things easier just on a day to day basis. That might be the best first step. Then after that look for some organisations or charities that support women to get back into the workplace. Also worth looking for charitable trusts that might help- I was looking for some for a completely different issue lately and I was so surprised by what was available and literally covers just about anything you can think of.

Do you suspect you are neurodivergent @sueey ?

OP look at processing disorders. They can affect all the senses. Dyslexia comes under it as does auditory processing disorder.

I agree with a previous poster about going to GP. It may be that there is an underlying reason for some of these things and so if you can get a formal diagnosis then you can push for more support/reasonable adjustments in the work place.

Part of my current job is helping people who are vulnerable or feel unable to work find jobs that work for them but it’s hard to do that without having a full picture of what barriers we may be facing.

It may be that part of it is you trying to do one little thing every day to get out of your comfort zone. It sounds as though you’ve been able to just accept the status quo because you always have had your parents and partner to pick up the pieces, meaning you haven’t really had to deal with any of these things because there’s never been any real consequences. Little and often would be a good starting point, push yourself to do something out of your comfort zone every single day, even something little like a trip to the shops on the bus, or walking 2 stops away and getting the bus back. The more you work on something the more manageable it feels and so the smaller the gap becomes between daily life currently & working life. X

I think I may have innatentative ADHD but I've been waiting to be assessed since 2021.
I probably have some sort of learning disability too but I'm no psychologist but my social awkwardness and inability to understand people or read situations may suggest ASD.
There seems to be lots of nd people who can manage their lives far better than I can so perhaps it's something else.
I've only called the gp for an ADHD assessment so far because I think that's what seems to be affecting me most and the waiting lists are so long.
I did the level 2 child care which I didn't pass but then I was told I'd need level 3 to be qualified to work within a child setting and wouldn't be able to do level 3 without GCSE's.

I agree with the small steps and I probably have had such support that I've become terrified of the unknown, possibly made worse by negative experiences to reinforce what I feared, bullying, unkindness etc make social anxiety worse.

With things like the busses it's not so much having the confidence to get on it's than when I get off I don't recognise where I am or what side of the road I'm on so it feels like I've been spun around and have no idea of my way.
I think my parents and husband have been great but perhaps see me as vulnerable as I've been taken advantage of in many ways when I've got into difficulties out on my own in the past.

Yes, I think it is possible to almost have too much support sometimes as it then means you never have the chance or need to figure things out by yourself.

Start with a worst case scenario- you get off the bus and you aren’t sure where you are. I presume you have a smart phone? You can pop google maps on there and simply follow those directions back to home. You can stop another walker in the street and ask for directions (people do this all the time and I never mind at all). You could ring your partner for support with directions. You can call a taxi service to come collect you if needed. Okay it might take you 2 hours to get home instead of 20 minutes, but the next time you do it maybe it will only take 90 minutes, the time after only an hour and so on.

It’s really easy when you have such wonderful support around you to end up in a situation where you just simply accept you can’t do things and stop trying. The reality is, if you didn’t have your parents and husband for support, you would have to work, you would have to go to the shops for food etc, you would have to get the bus, you’d have to take your children to school. And maybe one day that will be your life- prepare for that. The independence you will gain truly will do you the world of good x

Do you have the resources for a private diagnosis? Getting to the bottom of the cause could be life-changing. Some on here have revealed the amazing improvement after finding the right drug for adhd for example.

@sueey you write really well and have a clear understanding of your situation so you are more capable than you might think. You also have children who you care for without any issue- that’s very capable indeed.

I really agree about trying to slowly build up your confidence in relation to new challenges. Enlist your family for support in this rather than stepping in and doing it for you.

There will be jobs you can do. Would some volunteering help build your confidence?

I agree and I want to go to work, it's more that the work doesn't want me there.
I just wish people (bosses) wouldn't be so unkind about my intelligence, I realise I make people angry and frustrated but eventually I can sometimes learn but it's like I have no memory so the only way I can learn anything is by being walked through it with repetition so many times it becomes a habit in my subconscious memory if that makes sense so I'm not actually recalling information.

It sounds to me like you have a specific processing disorder. You should press for an assessment. ~

You can write clearly and comprehensively. Lots of people can't.

Edit: so sorry, I missed the bit about you waiting for an assessment

Potentially for the ADHD as that's the cheaper assessment but after so long on the list I have to be somewhere near the top now.
I would definitely save up for a private diagnosis for ASD for example if I knew what I was likely to have but I need numerous assessments done to get to the bottom of it, I'm not sure how it works when you don't actually know what you've got.
Possibly an intellectual disability. Maybe dyspraxia, it seems a bit of a mind field.

My mum just says I'm a bit simple and not very bright, she doesn't believe I'm labels so I doubt she'd help much with a diagnosis.

Would working for yourself offering some basic gardening services or cleaning / ironing / odd jobs work for you? You could only accept jobs you feel comfortable with and perhaps someone could help you set up insurance and as self employed. As pp said, you write well and are clearly not unintelligent, so definitely get assessed for dyslexia, dyspraxia etc if you can. You sound caring, so could care work be an option for you?

Yes that's a good idea, maybe dog walking, I have a field out the back and could get someone to help me do the books.

I do manage to get jobs when interviewed, I seem to have a knack for looking normal and speaking well and acting intelligent, talking the talk but it's just that a pretence that I can't keep up so when I get the job I can't walk the walk so employers are disappointed and I feel like a fraud.

It isn’t that work doesn’t want you there, it’s just that you are in the mindset now of “I can’t do this”, partly largely because of the excellent support network you have meaning you have never had to do it.

Having helped many people in similar situations into work successfully, I can say it is honestly about finding your limits, identifying them and working around them. Getting a formal diagnosis will help with this as it means an employer is more understanding and can provide relevant help to get you into the workplace and keep you there.

For example someone coming into a workplace who cannot pick things up, remember training, understand things, is going to fail probation and be let go. That’s because from an employers perspective, they are running a business, they need good staff and if they put 10 people through the same training program and only you don’t pick it up, the obvious issue is you, hence you’d be let go. HOWEVER, if you are able to go in and say “I have xx, this means I struggle with y and z, I want to learn and require more of abc to do so”, an employer is then able to provide reasonable adjustments to assist you in getting there. It’s putting yourself forward from the off, cards on the table almost and saying “I need this to do that”, most employers (especially big ones like civil service) are more than happy to provide the extra support for someone who advocates for themselves in this way. It does require you to take some responsibility though, as well as to have some self awareness, you need to know your limits and have known work arounds for this to be effective. It would be beneficial to develop that self awareness and coping strategies in your day to day life, so that you can apply those in the work place.

I have heard of some people on here mention right to choose for assessments for adhd and asd that helps get them quicker, I don't know if that is available to you? Might be worth checking?
I really hope you can find the right support.

Did the Gp refer you for the assessment? Could you try to follow that up this week and ask them for a cancellation?

There is absolutely hope for you!! There are amazing things now for people of all abilities and a diagnosis could be life changing for you.

Hi, have you tried hotel work? Cleaning rooms wouldn’t require any maths or till operation, that could suit you.

Care work- you would need to write reports, but your writing seems good. Better than average even.

You don’t seem simple in the slightest, I hope you find something perfect for you.

@Mrsttcno1 that's a very good point about being open with employers.
I do need to be more honest with employers, I was always told it was a competitive world so I've acted as normal as can be but it's clearly not working for me as I can't keep the act up so I just have to be myself.
ADHD seems to be the most obvious one but I think it's more than that, maybe if I write it all down the Gp will recognise what's wrong with me and refer me for other assessments.

This could be a range of cognitive/processing disorders or quite possibly more than one co-existing together. The memory issues as you describe seem a bit different from 'just' ADHD/ASD and might indicate something else going on.

You are clearly not 'simple' as your mother puts it. You write well and have obviously got a good command of English both written and oral so you can learn things, it just has to be in a way that works for you.

Have you ever asked you mother about your birth? For example if there was any possibility you may have had birth trauma or been deprived of oxygen at birth, however briefly? All sorts of birth interventions or emergencies can cause cognitive issues. If so that's important information to tell your GP in the search for appropriate referrals.

I ask as a friends child has some memory retention issues as well as dyslexia and dyscalculia (the numbers/maths thing) and she was born very very premature, tiny and put on ECMO (an artificial lung machine to pump oxygen) as a newborn. They were told she may have some learning difficulties growing up but because they knew to watch for it she's doing well academically with support (now a young teenager).

Good luck OP I hope you find some answers and solutions.