Y8 daughter and school!

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

I posted about my daughter last week and this is a bit of continuation and now moved on to lack of support from school so thought I’d add on here for more traffic.

DD 12 Y8 is having issues at school, normally a shy and quiet child who has started being quite verbally reactive in class and towards teachers. I’ve also started to have huge issues getting her to go into school with her having full panic attacks and getting herself so upset she is almost sick.

No bullying as far as I know, (she has a good friend group and is lucky to have 2 big sisters at same school so quite well known and I believe liked) it’s more teacher/learning based issues however she really struggles to articulate what the problems are so we get things like “the teachers are annoying” or “I just really don’t like it”.

I’ve always suspected ND from little things growing up and in primary (struggling with concepts, new teachers, terrible sleep regression and a very black and while outlook on life, low human empathy) but seems this is now something that we need some extra support with. GP appointment booked for next week and of course need to liaise with the school and so onto my AIBU…

Last school meeting was November due to a couple of incidents in class, was with head of year and together came up with a plan moving forward, she would organise a Round Robin meeting to discuss with DD’s teachers how they felt she was coping in class and how she could be better supported and she would also put her on a progress report with the focus on positive behaviour and attitude. The plan was for her to come back to me at the start of the new year and we would discuss any improvements and/or I could taking findings to GP to help with any referral.

One of the options at this point was to move DD forms which she was really upset about happening and this not happening seemed to be enough to spur her on and while no contact/feedback from year head as discussed things seems to have improved.

DD was quite tearful going back after Christmas (as was I going back work) but I just put down to post Christmas blues and tried to keep the positivity up…

Monday the 15th of Jan, could not get her into school, shaking and sobbing her heart out at the point knew we needed more support, phoned school to report her absence and asked head of year to give me a call back, heard nothing…

DD went into school as normal the rest of the week with lots of encouragement and incentives but absolutely miserable when coming home. Lots of tears, sleeping from 6pm, snappy, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, asking to be taken out of school daily.

Wednesday emailed teacher, again nothing.

Monday just past DD did not want to go in, point blank refused to get out of bed, hysterical, shaking etc, managed to convince her to go in but slightly later with 6th former big sister. Phoned school again to explain and was a little more grumpy at still waiting to hear from HoY, finally got an email back on Monday night to say she would phone to discuss on Tuesday morning at a certain time, perfect told her I’d be waiting for her call, as I was…nothing!

Phoned again this morning, lost my shit at end poor receptionist (realise wasn’t her fault) got passed to the KS3 hub, spoke to another admin person who checked HoY diary and said she had a space at 1500 today and had pencilled me in, left work early to take call this afternoon and again nothing apart from another call from same admin women who said she had spoken to HoY and said she could fit me in on the 5th of February for a call!!!

Oh and just to boil my piss even more DD told me when she got home from school, rather brightly, that she has been put on a star progress report from today…yes the one that myself and HofY discussed and was to be implemented back in November.

Firstly AIBU to think this is fucking ridiculous?!!

I have made it clear through emails to her personally and in my messages to be passed on that the issues I need to discuss are such that not only are they affecting DD’s MH but her attendance, and that a very sad little girl. Surely this warrants a call sooner than 3 weeks later?!!

And finally, how do I move forward…I said to the admin lady that another week and half was not good enough and I needed to speak to someone tomorrow or I would escalate it and so she said the best she could do was take another message and hopefully HoY could fit me in but no guarantee…

Im not actually a confrontational person but I will and can be for my DC however still not sure the best tactic to take..

Help..

Anyone???

Speak to the head of year and head of pastoral care
from what you’ve said you don’t want this escalating into full blown school avoidance
it’s not good enough to wait until 5 feb
if response I would escalate to governors

You don't go from head of year to the governors. If you are unhappy at the wait to see the head of year email the person in charge of pastoral care or the headteacher.

I’d be asking to meet with the head of year or the head. You need to stamp your feet a bit to get some action sometimes. It’s really hard and my DD (15) has always struggled with school, not academically as she’s doing amazingly but with social side, just answering questions, friendships. Also suspect she’s ND but never been assessed and no idea where to turn with it. Covid caused a whole host of issues and so much so when the electricity went at school and they had to do a week of home schooling I had to say she was sick, as she stopped eating when I asked why she hadn’t logged on. Real deep routed issues which are hard to resolve. Good luck

We are a year down the line with this with our DD. It's really not good enough of the school. If you suspect she is ND, involve the SENCO early to discuss your concerns. It probably varies by school but I have found the SENCO more helpful than the HoY or pastoral support. My DD has some adjustments made, eg sitting with a friend in class and having access to the pastoral support room.

Getting someone to listen in the first place is the hardest part. It goes against my natural non-confrontational manner but you have to be the squeaky wheel. Keep enailing HoY and SENCO until you get a meeting. DH and I are both teachers so we understand the pressure schools are under but you are the only person for whom your DC is the number one priority.

If it continues to be hard to get her to attend, Google the EBSA pathway for your local authority for information. We also have an EWO who is fairly helpful and will intervene with the school if they are not coming up with solutions. Some EWOs are not that helpful though.

Ask to meet with the member of the senior leadership team with responsibility for the year leaders OR the head teacher. A year leader should be responding with 24 hours even if a simple email saying they will ring tomorrow. To let it drag on this long is unacceptable. Personally I would email the headteacher and calmly explain the situation.

If hoy can’t fit you in then ask to speak to the head.

have you let dd take time off school? Unfortunately that can make it worse as they start seeing school as optional.

Many of us didn’t love school but with anxiety the advice is to work through coping mechanisms and not to avoid.

I’d be reading and researching - gp will likely refer to cahms and you’ll be waiting months/over a year so yes, get it in motion, but don’t expect a magic wand. GPS are rarely great at mh because they’re medically trained rather than psychologists.

Thank you everyone this is all great advice.

Can I get involve school SENCO without NT referral or diagnosis?

Email the headteacher explaining your concerns, the dates of communication attempts, and your frustration with HoY’s slow responses. The Head will then likely ensure the HoY contacts you much sooner.

Request a meeting rather than a phone call.

Yes, you should be able to - the school SENCO should be able to support a referral for neuro assessment.

It would almost be tempting to email saying thanks for the appointment. You will have spoken to the MP and local paper by then so they can respond at the meeting to that too...

Maybe not..but still...

It's disgraceful treatment from the school, would DD now contemplate a move of school?

We suffered from school avoidance after a bit of a breakdown at the end of year 7. We are in year 9 now. Recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. But the school have been supporting from the very first time. We go through periods of a fight into school and other times she’ll happily go off. Out school are brilliant though and make so many adjustments to support her. I’m in constant contact with the SENCO and the pastoral lead.

We will see what today brings and what calls I get from the school.

Just commenting as a Head of Year here! I'm HOY9 and I am so insanely busy that I can quite easily see how she can't find an hour to call you before 5th Feb. Please don't take it out on her. I'm paid as support staff to work 7 hours a day and I regularly work 10/11 hour days. Just a plea to be gentle with her - she has responsibility for all safeguarding, behaviour, wellbeing and attendance, and it's actually the fault of the Head/Trust/LEA/Government that she's so busy with such little support that she can't call you back within 2 weeks... I would recommend a call to Head of Pastoral care (usually SLT) to ask for support. Please don't threaten papers/oftsed/governors etc, it will just get her back up and they will be less inclined to work with you in a positive way. Ask for a personalised timetable. Good luck.

@TeenLifeMum please don't use language like "don't let her stay off school". Unless you have parented a child with genuine EBSA you don't know what it's like. You can't, and shouldn't, physically drag them in. A hostile battle of losing tech or pocket money just makes them feel attacked and cornered. They need to know you are on their side. And actually, at the sharp end, if the alternative is seriously damaged mental health, school IS optional. I'm a teacher by the way. Both my children have struggled with this and whilst much better now, do still have 2/3 days in a half term when they just can't. They stay home in the quiet and reset.
OP I agree the school response is not good enough and you need to be persistent, but always calm and polite. I'd you starting yelling at receptionists you'll get nowhere. Ask to escalate to pastoral support team and do everything by email so there is a paper trail. There are some good support groups on Facebook for this with lots of really knowledgeable advice. Good luck.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
I'm currently going through the same thing with my eldest. She's clearly ND, has autism and severe anxiety. CAHMS dismissed her without referral as when they asked me if she self harmed i said no so she was deemed "not a risk to herself or others."
Her school were great till CAHMS decided to discharge her and now I can't even get them to answer my emails or phone calls.

You have to keep fighting for your child, who else will. Be unreasonable because the school are behaving terribly. Your child's mental health is more important than the school opinions, reputation and attendance records

As a senior leader of a school I’m usually quite defensive of how busy we are and why we might take a bit longer than people might want to discuss unimportant things but this is totally unacceptable OP.

Demand to speak to the headteacher. It’s possible that she/he doesn’t even know the extent of this HOY’s incompetence. Not fair on your DD who is struggling or the teachers who are probably not getting any support with what is probably quite challenging behaviour.

Email first and then ring to speak to the assistant head or deputy in charge of pastoral.
Ask for a meeting with senco / senco assistant and a member of the leadership team.
You've been fobbed off, there could be all sorts of reasons why, but don't wait around for the HOY.

Sadly this kind of stonewalling is increasingly common in schools; you do have to use your elbows a bit to get your child the support they need.

I would write to the Head, ccing to the Senco and the HOY. Start with a clear timeline of your daughter's difficulties, your previous attempts to make contact and the responses you did/didn't receive - include the dates of any emails or phone calls. Be forensically accurate - this is for two reasons: a) the Head needs to know that the HOY isn't doing their job properly, and b) they all need to know that you are the sort of parent who keeps receipts and won't be fobbed off.

Make it crystal clear what you expect to happen: a face-to-face meeting with the HOY and the Senco to agree a concrete plan to support your daughter, with agreed action points which will be reviewed after an agreed period. Make some notes before the meeting so that you don't get railroaded; if there are specific things you want to see in the plan, write them down; would having a named member of staff she can go to in a crisis help? A safe space she can go to and a pass to enable it? A quiet place to eat lunch with a named friend? Have a think, and a chat with your dd.

If you think your dd has ASD, you need to formally request in the meeting that the school start the ball rolling to have her assessed. Ask for details of the process, who will action it and a timeframe. Explain that your daughter's support needs are impeding her access to the curriculum; this is her legal right, and the school's duty of care.

Make notes during the meeting, as thoroughly as you can.

After the meeting, type up your notes as a set of minutes, then send them to everyone who was at the meeting, cc the Head, and thank everyone for their dedication and support.

You may need to repeat this process.