To think it's not normal to find life as difficult as I do?

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I'm in my late 20s and have always just struggled in life. I've written a journal since I was around 20 and have been going through it this weekend and it's made me realise how much I have always, and still, struggle with quite basic things in life. I really don't think it's normal? Unless everyone else is putting on a huge front and struggling underneath a facade? Things like:

• Always struggling with social settings. At university I would sit alone in lectures and seminars as I couldn't initiate conversations and would feel annoying/like a burden to everyone. I would arrive to lab classes and stand alone as I had no one to pair/group up with. I still do this now at work; I won't sit with colleagues in our office unless they invite me to sit with them, and will go off for lunch on my own if I'm not explicitly invited to join everyone else to go to the canteen with them. I skip team socials as I feel like I don't belong
• Constant existential crises on whether I'm on the right path. I felt so uncomfortable in different workplaces/courses and would feel like I wasn't in the 'right' place for me, I feel like I expect there to be some 'perfect' career where I will finally feel comfortable and not on the edge of crisis after crisis. I'm now retraining and feeling like I've made a mistake, but I've had that 'mistake' feeling in every other job
• Poor attendance. I feel like I go through crisis after crisis and burn myself out and then end up needing to take time off to recover
• Can't drive as I worry about making a mistake, cried when I failed my first driving test, cried when I took my first driving lesson and stalled so switched to automatic. I'll ruminate every time I do drive and analyse everything I did 'wrong' (all minor things every driver does).

Is this normal? 'Just' anxiety? Neurodivergance? CPTSD?

I take anxiety medication

Yup I feel like this and I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed adhd

To add, I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s hard. There is some good adhd advice out there though.

Look up RSD

Normal? I would hope not. I've never felt a single one of those things but was very content even as a child. Please see your gp and get some help aswell.

Not wanting to join people - I kind of feel like that too. I think it’s a self esteem thing. I have worked in the same place for 5 years. I think I have eaten in the staff room once or twice. I eat lunch at my desk. I just feel uncomfortable there. I went to a morning tea once and just stood on my own feeling awkward.

Fair play to you for apologising @SpursFan2🙂

Could be any or all of the things you have suggested. Is there trauma in your background? If not, it's unlikely to be related to CPTSD.
It does sound like an anxiety disorder combined with neurodivergence.
The sensory issues combined with social aversion are often autism related. I have those same issues myself. Since it runs in your family I would strongly suspect you are on the spectrum.

It's normal for neurodivergent people, it's just not neurotypical.

Well this was a surprise to see pop up in my notifications! I'm happy to say that I'm doing a lot better now. I lhave a new job that is a pretty perfect for fit for me. I work mainly from home, and only have two meetings a week; the rest of the time I'm just getting on with my work. It would probably sound boring or lonely to most but it is perfect for me. No Sunday scaries, no stress hives, no existential crises and over-analysing my life. I do still feel guilty like I should be around lots of people and making the most of my 20s, but I think I'm just very introverted.

I don't think I am autistic, I think I just have very low self-esteem and presume that others won't want me around, so I avoid them.

It's good to hear you are doing better. 🙂

Me too - staying in pyjamas, needing quiet time, driving an automatic car, not being able to tune out other people’s noise, not wanting to do social things. It’s not a negative to be neurodivergent but it’s bloody awful to be unsure and extremely anxious. Look up rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

This is me and I'm neurodivergent.

Good to hear you are feeling better. 🌺

Humans lived in tribes until recently and then in villages where everyone new each other. Until the last 30 years or so most people belonged to a church of some kind and jobs were for life building long term social ties. So it's not surprising many people are struggling with socialising (unless they are very into sport or music etc). In prehistoric times ingratiating yourself was rarely needed

You sound like me, especially socially. I always do things by myself. I was diagnosed as autistic a couple of years ago.

Could I ask whether you have a diagnosis of any neurodivergence, if you don't mind sharing of course.

I don’t - GPs won’t refer me because I’m over 50 and there isn’t anyone to give a childhood history except me. There is autism throughout my extended family too. I have time-limited therapy from a charity that accepts self-diagnosis. I now have a similar working pattern to the one you describe and it works better for me than my former career where I had to mask (not very successfully) 5 days a week.

What's the job? I'd love a job like this!

I have some similar traits. I don’t fit in well in most social settings and I usually feel quite uncomfortable. Parties and social networking events cause a fair amount of stress and it common for me to be tired for days after such an event. I think I’ve always been a sensitive, shy person without natural confidence. I also had selective mutism as a child.

I am not diagnosed with anything myself, but my family does sometimes joke that I’m autistic. Like you, I can relate to some of the traits of autism like getting over-stimulated easily and enjoying being alone. I can talk to people when I need or want to though. I don’t have trouble with eye contact and I think I can read people emotionally. I’m fairly organised in my day-to-day life but I can struggle with perfectionism at times which leads to anxiety and procrastination. I’m learning to drive a manual car, but the whole process is quite painful and I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy driving the way some people seem to. I’m constantly afraid of making a mistake and causing damage or hurting someone.

Anyway, I don’t have any advice - just writing to say that there are other people out there with similar experiences. My diagnosis of myself is that I am very introverted and sensitive by nature. I think I also had quite an emotionally distant family of origin. I know it’s not all down to how I was raised though because I have a sister that is the polar opposite of me: very extroverted, loves people and parties, naturally confident.

Are you lonely, OP?