To realise I made the wrong choice 15 years ago?

[Santashelperisonstrike]

I’ve seen threads on here where people have realised how lucky they’ve been for meeting their OH, but has anyone realised that they’ve let a great relationship slip through their fingers?

I’ve just come to the realisation that my uni boyfriend was the love of my life and I messed it up. I split up with him for no bigger reason than we left uni but had jobs in different towns (only about an hour away). He was really hurt about it and wanted us to stay together.

Fast forward a few years and we live close to each other and hang out in same group of uni friends. We both got married about 6-7 years ago to other people and each have kids. My marriage wasn’t happy and split with ex soon after my second DD was born.
im now in new relationship which is good, but feel
there’s just something missing.

I still see my relationship with my uni boyfriend as the benchmark for my relationships, but no one has come close.

Before there’s a pile on, I just want to say I have no intention of starting anything with my ex boyfriend. He’s happily married and I know that ship has sailed.

but I can’t shake this feeling of sadness, that splitting up with him was a sliding doors moment and I made the wrong decision.

how have you dealt with your regrets?

How long were you with your uni boyfriend? I am guessing the fact that he moved away wasn't really the only reason you ended it. The problem is that if you had stayed with him you'd have been wondering what else was out there.
Either way, the grass always seems greener from the other side.

I had a rare good relationship in my early to mid twenties. We were only dating for a year or so, and I was busy as a mum at the time; he was super supportive and I didn't have to make a huge effort with him, he just really was into me. It broke up due to work taking him away. For a very long time, he was the benchmark of the perfect, ideal man and I honestly felt for years that he was the one who got away. It hurt my heart to think about it, honestly. On the other hand, it gave me hope for there being great guys out there.

We got back in touch about 15 years later and exchanged several emails. Still the same as he ever was until we delved a bit deeper. I have since realised the guy is a totally narcissistic!! Not in any malignant sense, but he's super weird, very egotistical and love-bomb-y; I just didn't see it back then. And I'm not saying there's a correlation to your exBF at all, only that things are not necessarily as great as you think they'd be. And I kind of regret that we got in touch and got to know him again because it ruined that one nice memory that I have!

You will find someone better than him. You're probably feeling low because of the split you've been through. This will pass. Just look forwards. There's never just one great person in the world for you.

@Firefly2009 this is a very good point. Went out with uni bf for 2.5 years which is nothing really. I know he’s a decent guy as we are still in wider friendship group, but your experience just shows how you can’t trust your earlier perception.

I know he can frustrate his DW at times, so it’s possible that he would’ve driven me nuts as she’s far more patient than me!

If I’d split up with my now ex-H before we got married, he’d be the ‘one who got away’ but now I wish he’d got away and saved me a lot of hassle!

be careful what you wish for, right?

OP I’m sorry , those feelings are all too strong and regret is sad .
I got the opportunity to reconnect with my first boyfriend.. the one who got away .
Had a great ( passionate 😉) time for a couple of years and don’t regret that opportunity but it didn’t work out and I’m glad about that for so many reasons . It would not have been a good thing for us to have stayed together since our teens but I wouldn’t have known that if we hadn’t that second chance .
It let me lay the ghost of him to rest .

in short , I’m trying to say you are probably not missing what you think .

Take care , I hope you find happiness.

Oh yes! But he didn't see me as 'the one' and was, looking back, emotionally abusive & controlling. So I probably shouldn't see him as 'the one who got away'. However, I've never had quite^^ the same connection with anyone else either before or since him. Quite sad really.

I regret getting with my ex but I wouldn’t have my 4 lovely children. That’s the only decent thing to have come from it.

@Firefly2009 excellent post 👏

I think also, a great connection makes you feel so alive, when someone 'gets' you and you are drawn to each other and it's all easy and nice it's a kind of bliss.
As fabulous as my kids are it's a parent-child relationship and whole there is no contest for the depth of feeling I have for them, it is a different part of you that is in play.
So it's ok, for you to yearn, but I agree with @Firefly2009 that there is no single 'one', another person with whom you found a special connection would have these feelings evaporated because that yearning and the regret with it would go. Meantime you can acknowledge to yourself you are human and need to be seen and wanted and if you're sad sometimes be patient with yourself and seek comfort from what you can.

When I look back on my life, I see that I married the wrong person, for the right reasons, I divorced after 22 years and 2 sons. However, I later married someone else, who made a huge difference to my outlook on life, was a rock when one of my sons died, and gave me 20 years of never being bored and laughter. I would never have married him, if I had met him in my 20s or 30s, for various reasons. I would not be the person I am now, if my life had been different.

I believe that some of the agony around relationships not working relates to the fact that it is not just the person but you also have to have met them at the right stage of life/stage of maturity for you both to be a good match for each other. So character/personality wise you might be perfect but if the timing is not right on either side, then either one will walk away where it could have had real potential as a relationship OR you both force a union and then it goes horribly wrong at some point down the road because one of you (or both but usually one - the one who was "persuaded" into the union more than the other) leaves to sow the wild oats (for want of a better phrase) they feel they did not get a chance to before they committed to you.

Lessons (i) true love and compatibility is extremely rare (ii) never think you can persuade someone into realising that they are "ready"for commitment. They eitehr feel they are of their own volition or it will come out in the wash somewhere down the road