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Original poster

Compassionate leave - how long?

52 replies

KindaDefinitelyMaybe · 18/11/2023 17:49

My DM died on Wednesday. It's been a very very tough six months with me juggling travelling up there every week or two weeks (staying longer toward the end) with a very demanding job and a young family at home. It's also been quite traumatic toward the end and I feel emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I have a week of annual leave remaining which I'm going to take next week but that will be swallowed up with travelling back home to clear the house and sort funeral etc...Then the following week is the funeral and that will be two nights up at home due to the travel distance. I have quite a senior role and certainly don't think work will actively encourage me to take the amount of time that I feel I need in order to recover from this. Would I be unreasonable to get signed off for two weeks in order to give me one clear week to just 'be' and not have to arrange or organise or sort anything?

OP posts:
Wishthiswasntthecase · 18/11/2023 18:26

First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. My mum died in September and I absolutely did this. I had a lot of caring responsibilities for her which I’d been doing on top of a full time senior manager role. I was mentally and physically shattered. My wise doctor friend said better you take two weeks off now than go back in one and then be off again because you can’t cope. I literally filled in an e consult form for my GP, said she’d died, gave the date of the funeral and he signed me off till the day after. Just put bereavement on the fit note. I felt slightly guilty, but there is stuff to do, and you just need some time to process everything. I’d gone back 3 days later after my dad, I just couldn’t do that again.

2chocolateoranges · 18/11/2023 18:26

Sorry to hear about your mum, take as much time as you need off. We lost mil last year dh took a week off , sis in law took 5 weeks off. We are all different. Take time to grieve .

Mabelface · 18/11/2023 18:27

My mum died in April, and I took a month off. Don't underestimate how grief affects you physically as well as mentally. Don't use your leave, if you get sick pay, take the compassionate leave then sick until you feel ready to return.

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 18/11/2023 18:34

My Dad died on Christmas Day but my company was on shut down until Jan 3rd. No idea if they would have paid bereavement pay. They didn't offer and I didn't ask. My retail job gave a weeks paid leave. Definitely take time off to grieve. I didn't really get time to grieve and in the approach to the first anniversary of his death, I'm really struggling. Be kind to yourself. Sorry for your loss.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 18/11/2023 18:34

Very seriously, take the time you need and don't stint it.
I went back too soon after my Dad died and ended up being signed off for a month further down the line

PieonaBarm · 18/11/2023 18:46

I work in public services who are generous with their compassionate leave but when my DM died I self cert for 7 days and then got signed off by my GP for a month in two batches of two weeks. No issues with the GP and was told just to ring if I needed more time. Take the time you need, the GP will sign you off with Bereavement as the reason.

Please accept my sympathies and sending you big hugs xxx

LakieLady · 18/11/2023 18:48

TeaAndBrie · 18/11/2023 17:58

My NHS trust that I work for is one week compassionate leave in a 12 month period. Definitely take the time you need and get signed off by the GP. The first week you can self certify.
it sounds like it’s been an awful time for you all and time off now is going to help you.

That could be awkward. There was less than 9 months between the deaths of my parents. It wasn't too bad when my DF died, as he died in hospital and there wasn't masses to do that couldn't be done over the phone. I think the only thing I had to do in person was register the death, and I only really needed the 5 days work allowed.

My DM died suddenly though, so there had to be a post-mortem, and the coroner had to issue a certificate of cause of death before it could be registered.
And the council were desperate to have the house back and were hassling me get it cleared of 30 years worth of hoarding, it was a 4 hour drive away and in such a mess you couldn't even find the bed until I'd done about a dozen trips to the tip.

There was no quibbling about me having a second lot of compassionate leave so soon after the first lot, and my manager was an absolute trooper and managed to get approval for me to have another 5 days, so I had 10 days in total.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It sounds as though you really need some time to recoup and recover, and I don't think anyone would think badly of you if you were signed off sick for a couple of weeks. I had 2 weeks compassionate leave when my DP died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and then was signed off for another six. And my manager (same employer, but a different manager) insisted I had a phased return afterwards.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/11/2023 18:57

Very sorry for your loss Flowers

No company has a decent length of compassionate leave, in my experience anyway, I think they expect colleagues to get signed off by the GP.

Get signed off for as long as you need. The company will carry on.

dapsnotplimsolls · 18/11/2023 19:04

Sorry to hear about your Mum. As others have said, stop taking AL and get signed off if necessary. A long distance was an issue for me too - my Mum was more than 300 miles away.

DomPom47 · 18/11/2023 19:31

Sorry for your loss. If your work are not considerate I would get signed off, it is going to be a stressful time and emotionally exhausting getting everything sorted. Even after the two weeks it will be tough but with the two weeks you can take a little time and not rush through everything you need to get done 💐

Springingintosummer · 18/11/2023 19:42

Sorry for your loss.
I was allowed one day of compassionate leave for every day I work d in a week - so 4 days if I work 4 days week.
this was for a relative that I was next of kind for, at a distance.

Springingintosummer · 18/11/2023 19:43

So yes, take the time off you need - however, long it is.

TheKnittedCharacter · 18/11/2023 19:45

Where I work, you can have up to 5 days compassionate leave for a close family member. But of course, if you don't feel well enough to work, get signed off.

LudicrousDickbiscuit · 18/11/2023 19:48

I would keep some of your annual leave - get signed off for now if the compassionate leave isn't enough. Once the dust settles in a month or two, the grief may hit again and you might need to know you've got a buffer.

Cyllie33 · 18/11/2023 19:48

OP I haven’t read the full thread but please, get yourself signed off for at least two weeks, preferably a month. Go and see your doctor and they will advise. You’ve worked hard and given lots to your job but this is your family and important. I work in a high pressured high level job and I wish I’d realised this sooner - they will take from you whatever they want, this is your opportunity to take advantage of being employed. Seriously: do not think twice. Take as much time as you need.

WrongSwanson · 18/11/2023 19:50

Totally reasonable to get signed off and properly recover.

I would love to give my team proper compassionate leave but am limited by our policy so I actually want them to get signed off as I don't think it's a good plan to rush back to work

Itsjustafly · 18/11/2023 20:00

So sorry for your loss.

I took 2 months when my Dad died suddenly. I tried to go back after a month and lasted a day and a half and just couldn't cope.

I often wish I'd taken longer now, it's 5 months since he died and I struggle a lot. I have quite a high pressure job and it's tough.

MrsClatterbuck · 18/11/2023 20:00

I took one week compassionate leave when my dad died and my gp gave me another week signed off.

user628468523532453 · 18/11/2023 20:09

Just to add to my earlier post in case it helps to have a sense of what other people did - I was off for around 3 months when my parents died.

Fionaville · 18/11/2023 20:14

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd take as much time off as you can. Compassionate leave and then get signed off for a few weeks. Maybe even take it until the new year.
I didn't take enough time off when I had a close bereavement and it actually impacted me a lot longer. I think if I'd taken longer initially, it would have been easier in the long term.

Hibernatalie · 18/11/2023 20:18

Work is work. Take exactly as long as you need. I'm sorry for your loss.

TheChosenTwo · 18/11/2023 20:22

So sorry for your loss OP, sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to accommodate working and being with her.
Get yourself signed off until you feel ready to go back.
My employer is incredibly generous, I think we’re entitled to 10 days for a parent/sibling plus a day for the funeral and 4 weeks for a child, both are extendable if needed.

WolfFoxHare · 18/11/2023 20:23

I’m so sorry for your loss. When my dad died, I was off for a month, then spent the next three months doing half days. Take the time you need.

Charlie2121 · 18/11/2023 20:25

I think the answer is that you need to take whatever time you need. There is rarely a fixed period as needs vary significantly.

When my father died I think I just had the day of his funeral off as we weren't very close. If someone like my DH passed away I'd be beyond devastated and need a lot of time and support to get back on my feet.

mrsed1987 · 18/11/2023 20:26

When my mum died in October I got signed off until January. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get signed off to grieve and heal