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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have back up childcare

100 replies

Emeraldrings · 08/11/2023 11:31

If you have a child of nursery age or young primary school do you have back up childcare option?
If they are sick and you have to collect them do you have people you can leave your children with?
Or do you and your partner (if you have one)sort it between you? I have zero back up except for DH and work are always on my back when I need time off. Are we that unusual to not have back up childcare?
Just to add DH does more than 50%of sick days so it's not like it's me who always has time off

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/11/2023 12:25

I’m a SAHP so we’re the back up for several people for running late/school closing for no heating/stuck in traffic type things. Will also collect for falls or injuries.

I’m a SAHP because our youngest has a life limiting condition so I don’t do pick up for pukey children. I do occasionally pick up for one friend whose wee one gets migraines.

FirstFallopians · 08/11/2023 12:27

Yes.

DH and I mainly WFH so we don’t need much childcare, but occasionally we need to arrange something.

  • Afterschool Club or Holiday Scheme at their old nursery
  • If they’re sick, we WFH (mainly DH)
  • Back Up- my retired dad
  • Back Up-Back Up (never called upon)- my sister in an absolute emergency

Paid childcare is always the first option.

We’re really bloody lucky, and having alternative emergency childcare handy formed a big part of choosing where to live and what school to send the kids to.

Coffeerum · 08/11/2023 12:27

We don't have 2 full sets of grandparents and they aren't local so it is just juggled between me and DH.

WarningOfGails · 08/11/2023 12:27

Only friends who I can call on - probably 3 of them. They wouldn’t take on a vomiting child though!

DH can’t get out of work really (he’s a doctor) so it falls on me - luckily I can WFH.

Turfwars · 08/11/2023 12:30

Emeraldrings · 08/11/2023 12:18

I keep getting told I need backup childcare at work , though I don't even take much time off. Grandparents are either elderly or disabled or both. Most of my family work and same with friends. Thankfully my sister has offered to help this afternoon but that's just because she's on A/L this week, normally we have no one and not sure how to change it. Unfortunately no WFH, due to our jobs.

The person telling you either got it very handy themselves with loads of family back up or have zero understanding of the limits of childcare.

You don't have family available, it's as simple as that. Any type of childcare will not take a sick child, so it's a case of riding out the early years until you get to the wrap around care. And no childcare will take a random sick kid out of the blue.

NotLactoseFree · 08/11/2023 12:32

Not really no, in a truly dire emergency I could probably ask my sister but she's not particularly willing - it would literally need to be a child whose leg is being amputated before she would inconvenience herself.

I DO have a slowly built, lovingly looked after, small group of friends, mostly of children from my DC's school, who in a pinch can step in (and for whom I am the same backstop). The trick is never to abuse this and to make sure it's totally equal. Often, they don't even land up having to do it, but knowing that they're there is a huge relief.

If it's any relief OP, it does get easier. DS is now independent enough, can be left at home etc etc so needing emergency childcare for him is pretty much not an issue. DD is younger, but can be a bit more independent, and, for example, if she's at home and I have to do an emergency run to collect DS from somewhere, can be left alone for a bit.

Locallady2 · 08/11/2023 12:33

Me and DH still live near both sets of grandparents which is really useful for planning half terms and things in advance, but for last minute sick days we can't rely on them as they still all work themselves.

LadyChilli · 08/11/2023 12:33

No, I just have to make it work. In a genuine emergency DS' dad will step in (eg when my mum was ambulanced to hospital) but if it's something mundane like sickness or school closure I just have to use holidays or make up the hours some other time.

IHeartGeneHunt · 08/11/2023 12:33

No, it's just me.

PurpleCar02 · 08/11/2023 12:38

No, just us. If we were prepared to travel an hour each way we could ask PIL but if my child were sick I wouldn’t want to expose them to that. Luckily my job is very flexible and so far I have been blessed with very tough DC! I think the “backup” idea is something that is trotted out in workplaces but with no real idea for how this would work. I can’t magic up a family member or pay a full time nanny on the off chance my child could be sick!

tealweasel · 08/11/2023 12:55

Not consistently. MIL is local and can sometimes step in to help but she still works, and works shifts with no regular pattern to the days she has off. We have friends who I think would help in a genuine emergency (e.g. if one of us was rushed to hospital) but not just with random sick days. My family are all at the opposite end of the country - again, if something massive happened I'm sure they'd do what they could to assist, but they're not going to be able to come down just to cover a stomach bug/chickenpox/HFM.

DH and I both have desk based jobs - he is fully remote, I'm hybrid with no hard target on days in the office. For odd days here and there, both of our jobs are happy with us muddling through and picking up any shortfall in the evenings, so we're quite lucky in that respect.

Applescruffle · 08/11/2023 13:01

I am very lucky in that we now have our own business and noone to answer to so I just take the time off or work around them. It's one of the things I remind myself of when I am finding running a business tough.

However when I did have a boss, I only ever had potential back-up, as in, a grandparent or aunt/uncle might be able to have them but it would always be short notice so chances are me or DH would be taking time off. It was bloody hard and getting all 13 weeks holiday coveted once they started school was harder.

Original poster
Emeraldrings · 08/11/2023 13:12

My manager has 4 grandparents who help her and a SIL who also helps so I think she just assumes everyone has family to help.
I wouldn't want to risk parents/MIL getting sick especially as it would probably be worse for them.
I was actually in tears this morning after I was effectively told off for taking my sick child home.
I'm writing my resignation tonight, it's not this one issue it's a lot of little things with this being the final straw.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 08/11/2023 13:14

Nope. DH is often abroad, and I have no friends so it's literally just me, which is why I'm a sahp.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/11/2023 13:26

Only my in laws (which is where my son has gone today due to illness!).

My parents would help but my mother can't be trusted to stick to my sons dairy free diet, so I don't ask them.

CornishGem1975 · 08/11/2023 13:27

We have one set of grandparents but more likely me or DH would cover it. He's self-employed and I'm in a hybrid role where I can pick and choose where I work from, no big deal so I'd just WFH.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/11/2023 13:29

DH works outside the school hrs but I have to say we have been lucky (unlucky in others as DD1 has epilepsy) but our children have never had an abundance of sick days. Last year both were sick in the Easter holidays but none the rest of the year and none interrupting school. I think that is purely down to luck.

Caspianberg · 08/11/2023 13:33

No. It’s just dh and I. Luckily both self employed as Ds has had so many hospital appointments and stays the last 2 years. It’s not like I could send Ds with neighbour for a 2 days hospital stay anyway.
I often end up working late in evening or weekends

whyohwhyffs · 08/11/2023 14:24

We have zero back up, just means DH juggling between us.

whyohwhyffs · 08/11/2023 14:24

*me and DH

Pumpy001 · 08/11/2023 14:27

I have my mother, but if she's not available, I have a cleaner who's like family, who would step in and i completely trust. I've needed to organise this for my sanity

BeckhamSeven · 08/11/2023 14:47

Yep. Fortunately there's only been one occasion when my daughter got sent home from nursery early so I finished work early, but we have a variety of people close by. Mostly grandparents, then some of my close friends, then wider family and now they're older, school friends and their parents. But it's a conscious decision - we live where we do because it's close to family and friends.

Sartre · 08/11/2023 14:49

Nope. FIL lives a 90 min drive away so hardly around the corner. MIL and my Mum work FT so wouldn’t be able to drop that to collect DC plus my Mum lives 30 miles away. No other relations or friends around to help so it’s on DH and I. I work an hour away and usually commute by train whereas DH drives and works 20 mins away so usually falls on him to collect if one of them is sick.

EmmasDilemmas · 08/11/2023 14:50

We have willing but distant family, so anything urgent has to be me or DH. If we have something we know ahead of time (eg funeral, Jury Service) we can often get family to come and stay to cover - but if a child is sick there wouldn’t be anyone who could get to us quickly enough to help. It’s tough but I don’t think it’s that unusual. I’m sorry you feel that you need to resign. Second the recommendation to get some advice first.