Do ‘opposites attract’ relationships actually work?

[sparkydog]

I have a real soft spot for a male friend.

However, we are the most unlikely pairing ever in everything including lifestyle, income, appearance, personality (with me being the rich, older, glamorous, power woman and him being the starving artist who lives off the grid, if this were a 1990s romcom/dodgy porn film).

Do these dynamics actually ever work in reality though?

I’ve never considered it until a mutual friend took me to one side last week and asked why we male friend and I weren’t dating, given it was crystal clear to everyone that we like each other.

Sorry, I meant to ask if anyone actually had a successful relationship like this. Would
love to hear people’s experiences!

I was going to say of course and give my relationship as an example, but then I read your whole post and we are definitely not as different as that!

I suppose the big thing would be how tolerant you each are as individuals. Having said that it sounds like you potentially have quite different politics, spending habits and financial means. Would you be happy essentially supporting him, if the relationship got serious? Or if he or you didn’t want that would you be happy to do all your exxy things by yourself/with existing friends?

I know I’m making it all about money, but in all honesty this is the stuff that splits people up.

What do you like about him?

I don't have direct experience, but I would say that we are only here once, so you should go with your heart.

That said, you will need to evaluate what is truly important to you and what you can / cannot compromise on. Give this a good coat of thinking about as your real answer to that will be different to your initial answer.

My best thought about compromise is to not sweat the small stuff. And that everything is small stuff. Good luck.

I think it depends on whether the opposites conflict or complement each other.

For me, DH is calm, level-headed in a crisis, keeps everything on an even keel. He says my ups and downs keep things interesting (been together 20 years so maybe it's true).

On the other hand, he's more extroverted than me (tbh, I'd be quite happy living alone in a cave for the rest of my life) and I have to grit my teeth and get on with small talk at parties etc because I don't want him and dc to miss out.

From what you say, I think it depends on whether you'd still respect your starving off-grid artist once the initial wild-monkey lust wore off and you either had to a) pay for everything or b) live like a starving artist. If he brought so many other things to the table that you're comfortable with that then it could be a long-term thing.

In terms of lifestyle - depends whether there's a fundamental clash of values. Vegans are rarely going to find meat-eaters sexy (I'm guessing, I'm the latter), for example.

I think it depends on whether the opposites conflict or complement each other

Agree with this.

Two people who are comparably driven in their fields but make different amounts of money due to their chosen fields could work romantically if they've got similar values, lifestyle expectations and similar expectations of family life.

If one person is highly career motivated and the other is happy to make pennies doing a hobby job then that's likely to cause issues of resentment long term. The higher earner is either going to have to drop their lifestyle down to something the hobby jobber can afford or will inevitably end up subsidising a lot.

Money isn't the be all and end all, but finances are a major reason behind many breakups.

There are elements of opposing personality types that work; for example I am a worrier and a planner, whereas DH is very laid back, so this on the whole works well as we balance each other out in many respects, especially with parenting, work well as a team.

But what can't be directly opposed are your values, it sounds like your values are very different and I think that would be very challenging.

It works in our house. My husband and I are very different and on paper we are all wrong for each other. In practice we are the happiest couple I know. I think what makes it work is that deep down we have the same values and goals, even if we go about it differently. Furthermore, our different skills and personality types complement each other, plus we have never tried to change each other, we just accept each other's differences.

We met doing some volunteering work with disadvantaged people, and he came across so stand-offish and very socially awkward, but was so so soft and sweet with the people we help out. I think this initially made me really interested in him as a person.

We struck up a friendship after that and I have so much affection for him but the attraction wore off.

I stopped giving it any thought because of the huge disparity in our lifestyles. I’m not looking to be wined and dined, and I don’t care AT ALL if I have to pay for dates, but I can’t see us going on dates in the conventional sense. I can’t imagine him putting a shirt on and going out for dinner (not that this necessarily bothers me, I just can’t get my head round it).

Has that always been the case or did it take a while to find some middle ground?

DH and I are really different people in so many ways.

I am highly strung and anxious, he's so laid back he's horizontal. I'm an introvert, him an extrovert, however I'm a SOCIABLE introvert and him and I do love nothing more than a good night out with friends etc so we're very similar there.

We have the same political views, same views on bringing up children etc. I am a spender and he is a saver, I have become better since being with him, he's taught me to be better with money, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't caused issues in our marriage/ relationship.

We have different personalities, I'm very dry and sarcy, he's....not. Most of the time it works, but I have to be honest and say, does he make me pee my pants laughing, no and never has and again, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes question that.

He is also the most unselfish, giving person I know, whereas I tend to be more naturally selfish (god I sound a right peach don't I, lol!) but again, he has made me want to be a better/ less selfish person and I definitely am since I met him.

So it CAN work, but that's not to say it will always be plain sailing.

I do think you need the same core values in terms of work ethic, politics etc though.

Edited to add, I guess I'm pretty vain and put a lot of effort into my appearance, he is lucky in that he's just naturally v male modelly/ gorgeous so doesn't need to BUT he couldn't care less what he looks like and really doesn't make much effort (again, good job he's naturally chiselled and gorgeous) and again, this can sometimes irk me, but then I wouldn't want to be with a vain man either so swings and roundabouts.

He would put a shirt on to go out to dinner though, I'm afraid id struggle with someone really grungy who would go everywhere in an old t-shirt.

On paper, my husband and I are total opposites.

He is ten years younger than me for a start. I went to Cambridge, he didn't do A Levels and has never read a book in his life.

He js supremely practical. I have no common sense or useful skills.

But yet somehow it works.

I think it was always the case but I don't think we realised that at first. It took us a little while to understand what makes it work, while around us people were wondering what the hell we were doing together!

This would be a very similar situation and I actually wasn’t expecting to hear a success story on this!

I think you do need shared values (or ethics or whatever) but your backgrounds and temperaments can be very different.

My husband is the complete opposite of me. I'm an extrovert he's an introvert. But we do have similar morals and political leanings.

We do learn to give each other space (for him to hide and for me to socialise)

We bring out the best in each other I take him out of his comfort zone and he grounds me

It’s interesting that a lot of people have mentioned shared ethics and values because it’s made me realise I don’t really know if we have shared ethics and values.

No.

You can have different complimentary skills and personalities but you need some alignment on values.

DH is intensely practical and enjoys working for himself, he is an immigrant from a totally different culture and religion to me. I am creative but also an ambitious career minded. I love going to the theatre, he can't see the point.

However, we agree on things like bringing up the children, finances, lifestyle. We are both quite independent but know that the other one would always step in to help. We had quite long conversations about this before we got married. We've been together over 20 years.

As you are the one with the money and power and you are older it wouldn‘t be a particularly balanced relationship. I’d be wary of potential cocklodgery too.

I feel this very strongly. Not so much the cocklodger side (although lord knows I’ve had it happen before) but more than I hold the ‘power’ in our dynamic and I’m wary of not properly thinking it through and ultimately hurting him.

It can work. My wife is the attractive, older, glamorous woman, and we're still going!

...she's since drooped a bit, so more on my level, bit still 😁 - I'm lucky.

As for you OP, attraction is one thing, but you have to also think long term. If he continues in that lifestyle, you potentially supporting him, living in a basic setup, (I'm actually getting the hippie impression here!), would you be happy? You're essentially setting him up as a house husband...

Big differences with DH and I, he is from what could be described as landed gentry very traditional stiff upper lip background. He asked me to marry him in the grounds of his ancestral home, now sadly sold. I’m from a I guess a bohemian arty household. Mother was a dancer and actress when young and I grew up in a house full of her old showbiz friends calling round. She had openly gay friends in the 1970’s, their flat was firebombed at one point. Whilst DH parents were hosting Liberal Democrat cheese and wine parties which sounds dire. My Mother was wildly dancing in the kitchen with her gay mates and letting homeless people sleep in one of the spare bedrooms. Nothing like having a Mother recite Shakespeare over the breakfast table. She was a little bit like Blanche Dubois but she was amazing with money and was really a massive capitalist.

There is one thing that aligns DH and I and that is money, our attitudes. both strivers and savers, both started playing the stock market as teenagers.

I would never date anyone in the starving artist category ever. Due to Mothers friends plus where we lived did very much have an arts scene I have met lots of people who really are not good enough at art, poetry, music, painting but they fool themselves.

Aside from anything else, I find artist types unbearably self-absorbed.
But as everyone else has said, it's essential that values match up, and that both parties bring something useful to the table.

I think it depends on whether the opposites conflict or complement each other

Agree with @Nothingbuttheglory My DH is more introverted than me and I'm more sporty than him, but we are absolutely on the same page when it comes to attitudes to money and saving / spending

I think the issue is how you see each other and yourselves. It sounds like the attraction wore off because you didn't think he was really up to your standards. So decision made. Had you seen his as equal but different, it wouldn't and you'd have had a chance.