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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spy on my DD in the school playground to see if anyone is playing with her?

35 replies

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 09:21

5 year old DD has been depressed about school for a couple of weeks - says no one plays with her at lunchtime.

I THINK what's happening is that she has a BIG crush on an older girl and whe the older girl doesn't want to play with her she gets upset and won't play with anyone else.

AIBU to want to sneak into the school and see what is going on? Or is that freakish and controlling?

I don't think I WILL, I would probably get arrested... although I could think of a chore that I needed to do... errrmmmm

OP posts:

cornsilk · 13/02/2008 09:24

No don't do it - what will you do if she isn't playing with anyone? I would tell the teacher and ask her to keep an eye out instead.( A parent in a school I worked in did that for the same reasons and apparently the police turned up at his house - yikes!)

saltire · 13/02/2008 09:24

I confess that I have. Ds2 is always telling us that he has no friends, no one plays with him etc. SO I took a walk up, and he was charging round playing with people. he is a bit depressed and anxious though and everything is a huge drama when he is telling us things and he gets very upset and clingy. He's 8

Hassled · 13/02/2008 09:27

I actually got DS1 to spy on DD and report back when I had a similar situation .

Find out who the midday supervisor is (often a TA) and ask if they can keep a lookout for a few days and report back. Does the school have a buddy bench?

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 09:30

lol @ police turning up - THE SHAME

Buddy bench, no - what is that? That sounds good already

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Hassled · 13/02/2008 10:15

A lot of schools have them - a specific bench where you can sit if you have no-one to play with and then some other kids are tasked with looking out for the kids on teh bench. It sounds like a recipe for mass teasing but actually they're all really sweet about it and it works well.

One thing I have worked out over the years (DS1 is 20 now) is that what they say happens at playtime often bears no resemblance to the truth; it isn't that they lie, it's that they remember the 3 minutes where they had no-one to play with and forget the 30+ minutes where they're part of some huge involved game.

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 10:16

You are a helicopter MP

Cappuccino · 13/02/2008 10:18

it is freakish and controlling you weirdo

get a life

Marne · 13/02/2008 10:18

I spy on dd1 at nursery to see if she plays with others, she is being tested for aspergers and one of the traits is finding hard to socialise, she seems to be ok from what i can see

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 10:20

I like the buddy bench, we are sorting out a bullying policy at the mo and I will suggest that idea

I agree it is possibly the 3 minutes she is worried about

spoke to teacher this morning and she said that dd has been very quiet this week and when she has asked her why, she has said she is 'sad' - teacher said she will send spies into playground today and report back

OP posts:

brimfull · 13/02/2008 10:20

I've helped in school a lot this yr.

Loads of the kids wander around aimlessly at play time.They're happy enough even though they appear lonely.

I would just mention your concern to the teacher or TA.

wheresthehamster · 13/02/2008 10:20

Absolutely agree Hassled.

MP - perfectly normal to 'happen' to be walking by at playtime although our school is surrounded by public paths so it made it easy and put my mind at rest. Obviously more difficult if not visible from a public place.

captainmummy · 13/02/2008 10:21

I used to be a dinnerlady and I've lost track of the mums who've asked me about their dc, whether they play, with whom, what they do...it was very rare to find a child not running about with their friends/classmates. In fact I can't think of more than 1, and he was a complete nightmare, no-one wanted to play with him. He played games like WWF - wrestling and jumping on the others. He soon learned tho..

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 10:23

We have a buddy bench (not called that though) and a Playground Patrol which is basically 2 different Yr6s each day being on patrol for pupils that are upset or lonely and to help to sort our disputes of one kind or another. It works well.

I have never spied on my DCs although I have been very tempted - as a very academic child who spent quite a few years at school fairly lonely, I have a tendency to care a great deal more about the social side of school than the academic for my DCs. I have watched sureptitiously whilst waiting for the bell to ring in the morning. And even then my heart was in my mouth. Luckily all my DCs seem to be fine. It would break my heart if they weren't.

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 10:23

DH had to go for a meeting last week and said she was sitting on a bench by herself at breaktime.

She is really knackered at the mo too, too tired for running around I think. This is probably because she lives on jam sandwiches.

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duchesse · 13/02/2008 10:24

YABU.

You sound a little over-involved in your daughter's social life, if you don't mind my saying so. Having your social life micro-managed can be a disempowering experience in itself, imo.

The crush/ being ignored thing is part pf the cycle of life. I know it's hard to see, but she'll get over it, and work out how to make friends. Meanwhile, be available to her when she wants to talk about it, but don't force the issue.

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 10:27

Not sure I am really over-involved, but possible I suppose. Just worried that she has been crying when droped off at school for last couple of weeks, because before that was really excited and happy to go in. 'tis not like her to get upset.

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zephyrcat · 13/02/2008 10:28

Hiya MP

My DD is exactly the same and it makes me feel awful as it was something that amde me miserable when I was at school. She comes home and says that she was on her own at lunchtime and the girls went off and either wouldn't let her play or 2 went off together and left her. It goes from day to day though and I guess it happens to pretty much all of them at some point. I know how you feel about going to have a sneaky look though - but as others have said, what would you do if she was on her own?

I'm sure she'll be ok

SlartyBartFast · 13/02/2008 10:29

dont do it, i so remember seeing my ds at school on his own, and i had no worries, but that brief glimpse scarred me for life

have you told teachers about her being depressed?

SlartyBartFast · 13/02/2008 10:30

owp,
you have....

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 10:32

mp - could it be that she really needs her half-term break? I know that mine are a bit wound up and tired atm. Especially my youngest. Anything can prompt tears or a row.

zephyrcat · 13/02/2008 10:32

If she's getting that upset then definately ask someone at school if she has mentioned anything/if they have noticed anything and also to keep an eye on her. Does she mention a favourite dinner lady who might be around at playtime?

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 10:34

Yes deffo needs half-term break although it is pretty busy so she won't get much time to do nothing, which is a bugger

Have rung GP about her beig tired all the time - maybe I should get that checked out? I think not being able to run around in playground is not helping her

Yes Zephr teacher is sending spies out into playground today to see what she is up to

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Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 17:14

Teacher said that spies confirmed that she is happy when playing with the big girls but otherwise sits and pines after them

Teacher gave her a pep talk about playing with her "little friends" and was very positive about it (teacher is v. good pastorally - although struggles with apostrophes but I will overlook that due to excellent skills in kindness and loveliness).

GP has sent her to children's unit next week for blood tests due to failure to eat food or put on weight or have any energy - she said "Do you cook her favourite meals as well as family meals?" and I said "Erm not really I don't have TIME" - I wasn't sure if that was the Right Answer or not - it was like a Mumsnet Test...

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Hassled · 13/02/2008 17:28

I can confirm that while I have plenty of time I still DO NOT cook favourite meals as well as family meals. Some of my family meals might be the DCs' favourites but otherwise it's just tough . What a weird thing for the GP to ask.

Good to hear the teacher is on the ball - it is horrible fretting about your kids when it's something you have comparatively little power over - you can't "kiss them better", IFSWIM.

Original poster

morningpaper · 13/02/2008 17:34

Yes it was an odd question, I wasn't quite sure what she MEANT or which answer was correct

GP is lovely though with two of her own kids

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