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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to ex about this?

17 replies

SpinningFloppa · 08/03/2023 21:07

My ex only wants phone contact with our children but doesn’t want to see them, been told that’s fine and it’s his choice if he only wants to be a parent on the phone 🤷‍♀️ no phone calls/ FaceTime purely just text messages but it’s his “right.”

The issue I’m having is 3 times since December he has made plans to come down to see them and not showed up. 3 TIMES. He doesn’t cancel or let them know he isn’t coming he just doesn’t contact them again. (They speak to him directly so he’s making the plans with them)Should I say something to him about it? I have not commented on it as I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
It’s not fair on him getting their hopes up to just not show up. The latest one was it’s his birthday tomorrow and he told the children he would spend it with them (I knew he wouldn’t but didn’t comment) and would ask me if he could stay for a bit (his words) and surprise surprise not heard a single word from him.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 08/03/2023 21:15

Oh that’s awful, what a shitty dad letting his kids down time and time again. How old are your DC?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/03/2023 21:18

That's really awful. He is messing with their heads.

DaltWisney · 08/03/2023 21:27

been told that’s fine and it’s his choice if he only wants to be a parent on the phone

Who's told you that's fine and it's his right???

Contact by text message only....that's not fucking parenting!

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 08/03/2023 21:45

What a deadbeat arsehole. Why on earth would he think that's parenting?

How old are the children? I think that would be my deciding factor - under 10 yes probably, over 10 I would want to buy I probably would let them find out what a loser their dad is.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 08/03/2023 21:47

DaltWisney · 08/03/2023 21:27

been told that’s fine and it’s his choice if he only wants to be a parent on the phone

Who's told you that's fine and it's his right???

Contact by text message only....that's not fucking parenting!

Ive asked for advice about this a few times on parenting sites including mumsnet and Facebook and have been told by everyone that it’s his choice and it’s up to him if he only wants phone contact and I don’t have a right to stop it! I can’t get my head around it but the advice was to allow him to only have phone contact if that’s what he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 08/03/2023 21:49

Children he speaks to are 11 and 10 younger DC too young for a phone so he doesn’t speak to them at all as he doesn’t call or FaceTime so he’s only having contact with the older 2.

OP posts:

DaltWisney · 08/03/2023 21:55

SpinningFloppa · 08/03/2023 21:47

Show quote history

I'm gobsmacked anyone would think this was OK. A family court certainly wouldn't think it was OK.

Has he actually categorically said "I never want to see my children again. I don't want to speak to them. I don't want to video call. Text messages are as far as I want to go in terms of a relationship with them"

If my kids dad said this, I'd tell him he's either a dad or he isn't. He either parents fully and properly, or he walks away and leaves them alone to get on with their lives. He doesn't get to drop in occasionally with a faceless meaningless text to mess with their feelings and think that's enough.

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2023 22:04

It's up to you to protect your children from emotional harm. If a child is in foster care and the parent has contact, after three let downs contact is stopped. I'd fully stop contact. He shouldn't have access like this given his history. Put your children first.

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2023 22:04

And yes, you should have confronted him and give him down the banks. Why protect him?

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 08/03/2023 23:54

Yes he has said that he only wants phone contact which is why I don't get why he is promising to see them but perhaps he doesn't realise I check their messages. We don't really speak it's all said to them directly. I asked on mumsnet and on the single parents group I'm in and the general consensus on both was to not stop the phone contact as it's up to him how much (or little) contact he wants and that it's out of my hands now apparently, I asked if their ex decided he only wanted phone contact from now on would they agree and everyone said yes they would so it's not my place to stop it. No one thought I should stop the messages just let the children know not to get their hopes up when he promises to see them.

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 09/03/2023 01:26

The way I see it - part of my role as my boys mum was to protect them emotionally, physically etc.

that meant over the years stopping contact with their dad as he failed to turn up often or turned up in a state (high!). This was devastating to watch my youngest sat on the step ready… watching the door.

if they can’t commit to being constant with their contact and stand by agreements made with your children - then they aren’t worthy of contact.

id create a log of all the contact times that have been arranged by him - only for him to be a no show etc.

note the detrimental effect this is having on your children.

and to bother with the older two as they can text and ignore the youngest? Nope.

for me - he’s either there for all of his children and finds a way to initiate contact so they all know their father. Or you make a decision on their well-being.

how unwanted and unloved are they going to feel if this is allowed to continue?

are the eldest ones emotionally mature enough for a frank conversation? I explained to my eldest that sometimes we grown ups don’t get things right. And that whilst daddy may love them it’s not their fault he’s breaking promises. We can’t understand why some people are like that but we can take steps so they can’t keep letting us down. Kids need to learn how to establish healthy boundaries and relationships for later in like as well.

good luck @SpinningFloppa and squishes.

Murdoch1949 · 09/03/2023 17:33

He's being cruel to his children, but it's his choice. Your role is just to support your children. Never let him stay over, no matter what emotional blackmail he attempts.

TheCatterall · 09/03/2023 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 09/03/2023 21:55

Thanks all. No there is no way my children would say anything to him about it they are far too shy and look to me for guidance on how they should respond to him on messages. They wouldn’t feel confident enough to say anything to him. I’ve told my son from now on not to respond any time he makes plans to see him. So just ignore any plans he makes. It’s hard to know what to do for the best as I’ve had very mixed opinions on ‘leaving it open.’

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 10/03/2023 06:26

How do your DC feel about the contact? Are they glad he texts them, despite the let down? Or do they feel like they ought to be glad but it’s emotionally unsatisfying (not that I’d expect them to use those words).

I can see why people have advised against getting in between them and their dad, but I think if the impact of the texting is negative, you do need to step in.

I would probably contact him, tell him he’s being cruel and that if he does that or similar again, you will stop direct text contact and he will have to send any further messages via you until you are confident he won’t be so irresponsible again.

If kids aren’t happy about the contact I’d explore what they’d like to see (baring in mind you can’t make him be a decent father) and put in place what you can to facilitate that.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 10/03/2023 06:42

How old are your children? Do they like getting messages from this man? How do they react when he doesn’t show up when he says he will?

He brings nothing to their lives except disappointment, anxiety and probably lowers their self esteem. I’d be very tempted to block the fucking waster on their phones, fuck him.

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 06:45

I would speak to him. It's not fair. If he only wants phone contact it is his right - you can't force him to see them so I'm not sure why others are saying that's not the case - but he can't keep making promises he's not intending on keeping. It's not fair on the children.

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