WIBU to ask you to roleplay preschool scenarios with me?

[FlailingMouse]

Posting for traffic. DD is nearly 4 and has been in preschool for almost a year (we're not in the UK). The other kids are all 3 and 4 year olds. She's struggling a bit socially: she's always been sensitive and shy, some of the louder and more confident kids are excluding her, and telling her she cannot play with them / cannot touch a toy / cannot join in their games. Her response is either crying or hiding in a corner. She's always talking about it and how it makes her sad. Honestly it's breaking my heart a little.

Anyway, it's been suggested to me to roleplay scenarios during imaginative play and teach her more constructive ways to respond. But I have no idea what would be a helpful and constructive way to respond. I have autism (diagnosed as an adult) and was bullied a lot as a kid. I would respond in the exact same way, and never really learned an alternative - basically just waited till the people around me started behaving like adults and stopped being deliberately mean. So, how would you roleplay this scenario? What could she do or say? Do you know of any picture books that might give me some script suggestions?

Btw, my daughter is showing no signs of autism right now. I am alert because of my own experiences, but aside from being sensitive and shy, she's developing typically.

Teacher should then facilitate some kind of problem solving discussion between Annie and DD. The problem solving, practiced regularly, should help DD (and Annie!) to learn how to negotiate between themselves when they disagree about something.

How would you do that? What could you ask or say? I sometimes run into this scenario as well out of school, when we are playing in the park for example, and I am just stumped on how to intervene. I worry I am disadvantaging my daughter by not knowing how to act in situations like this, and not being a good role model.

By the way, I know I am not responding to every post, but it's a lot of information for me and I am processing. I do appreciate all suggestions and contributions.

Bright and breezy. Take something like a ball or bubbles. If children want to play, ask them 'Would you like to play with us'? If not, play with your DD yourself to distract her from them.

How about role playing a conversation between you and there staff to ask how they are addressing the fact that your daughter is continually being excluded from playing by the other dc?

Give it a couple of years and we call this behaviour bullying. It needs nipping in the bud, now, as it is already having a very detrimental effect on your dd - and she is likely to be spending some considerable time with these children over the next few years.

You say she's almost four. Could you host a party for her birthday. It doesn't have to be anything fancy - at home, or a church hall with a birthday tea and some games, or a play centre. Use the opportunity to observe the children and see if any seem kind and as though they might want to be friends with your daughter, then invite those children for a play date or to the park one day. Friendships outside school really help, and you can get to know the parents too.

But what if, for example, DD wants to play in the sandbox, and a kid who is already playing there tells her no? What can I, as a parent, say to DD or the other kid to be a good role model for my daughter?

I used to have this when I took DD to playgroups. She was quieter then and laid back so if my friends DD wanted something, she would just snatch it.

So I started telling DD at home that if Sally snatched something off her, she should take it back and say "im playing with this, its not your turn yet". And to do it every single time.

If someone hit her, I told her to hit them back too, although the preschool probably won't like that, so I wouldn't recommend it in your situation because you are not there to monitor what went on beforehand.

If the sand box is big enough for 2, I'd tell the other child "this is big enough for both of you. DD is going to play this side and you can play the other side".

If its not big enough for 2 or there's only one spade or whatever, I'd tell DD "it'll be your turn next".

With my DD I played…over & over & over again!

Shop - she puts all her toys out & I am the customer- sometimes I might not be happy with the price or product - gives her practice on dealing with how to respond.

Pet restaurant/hotel
again great practice taking the orders (from my long suffering pets!) then giving them the bill at the end & checking them out, dealing with their complaints etc

pet parlour - I take my dog/cat in & she grooms them, plaits my dogs tail etc then she has to give me the bill & ask if I’ happy etc - sometimes I’m not & want to make a complaint🤣

School - i’m the (naughty) pupil & she’s the teacher so has to work extra hard to keep me in line!

Definitely improves confidence!

I think for the preschool difficulties I would try and teach her to have the confidence to seek an adult and ask for help. If they are playing tag and won’t let her join in, she needs some support- they need to start to understand that excluding people is not nice.
there are too many variables to have a particular script/solution, it needs to be modelled for her in the moment, using the real life people and situations- an adult should do that.

when you are out with her, I would try and encourage some of the parallel play- she doesn’t need permission to play in a shared public space- go and be there, then you can perhaps be interested- a good way to join an interaction can be through giving a compliment or asking a question. ‘I like your sandcastle’ ‘how did you get it to be so strong?’ Unless they ignore her, this draws her into the interaction, and may open the door to more- or not! And sometimes it’s fine not to want to play with others, and she perhaps needs to be reassured that it’s not personal.

"There's room for both of you. DD can play here too". If the child cries/screams, it's their parent's problem.

I also wouldn't encourage your DD to ask first, in that scenario. If there's space for 2 or more children to play, she should just go and play. If it's a "wait your turn" type scenario (swings etc.), she could tell the child playing, "I'll have the next turn".

At parks/playgrounds, you do slightly rely on other parents to police their children and make sure they're not hogging/blocking equipment. I'd never tell someone else's child off, but I find a pleasant "would you mind moving so DC can go down the slide?" to the child usually wakes the parents up. If it's a taking turns scenario and the other child isn't budging, I tend just to do something else with DC until the parent of the 'hogging' child realises what is going on. Or I let DC say in loud and outraged tones, "You've had a long go - it's my turn now!" which usually gets the parent to take action 😂.

But I just need really basic instructions like: when my daughter tells me that Annie wouldn't let her play in the sandbox with her, what should I say?

Get down to her level and talk to her about it. Say oh how did that make yoy feel? If she says sad, say yes it is sad when people don't want to play. Then give her a suggestion like. When no one plays with me I play on my own and I can do whatever I want. Or I find someone else to play with. It's OK for people to not want to play with you every time. I'm sure there's times when you want to play on your own.

When we're playing with her dolls and she tells my doll that it cannot join the game, what should I make the doll say?

Your doll could say, oh that makes me sad. But that's OK because I am going to play with the other doll.

I hope that's helps. I have a very sensitive little one too and I just try to drill it into him that just because someone doesn't want to pay with you doesn't mean that they don't like you are that you are no fun. It just means that they don't want to play. I think it's important to validate their feelings because no amount of talking to them will make their initial reaction any different so they have to let it out.

There is a really good series of books called How To Talk - maybe the How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen one would be helpful for you, or Siblings Without Rivalry. I know these are other children, not siblings, but there are some very good problem solving models in these books and they come with scripts.

The basis of problem solving is getting both child's concerns/opinion/point of view on the table, and then suggesting solutions and evaluating whether the solutions meet both sets of concerns. It's difficult to write a script for every possible scenario, but this is more of a formula model so you might find it easier to apply.

So for example if you're problem solving between Annie and DD you could say "DD would like to play in the sandbox, but Annie is already playing here." Annie might be able to explain her reasons not to share or you could guess. Let's say in this situation, Annie is building a castle and doesn't want anybody to ruin it, even accidentally.

The solutions suggested would need to take into account:

• DD wants to play (you could also clarify: Play with sand / play with other children)
• Annie wants her sandcastle kept safe

So you can then get the children to suggest solutions and check wether they meet both sets of concerns, and suggest adult solutions as well.

For example, DD could play somewhere else or with somebody else. (This may not be a good solution if DD wants to play with sand)
DD could help Annie with her castle, carefully (this may not be a good solution depending on DD's age/ability)
DD could have a specific job to help with the castle
DD and Annie could build a castle each
DD could play in a different part of the sand box (this may not be a good solution if the sand box is too small)
DD could take some sand to play elsewhere (this may not be a good solution if the nursery has a rule to keep the sand in the box)
Annie could play something else (this isn't a good solution because Annie wants to build her castle).

In public it can be trickier because if you do not have responsibility for the other child the parent might not want you to engage in discussion like this, but you could use it e.g. if a child is visiting your home.

I've always found it very difficult to tell the difference between bullying and deliberately excluding, and setting boundaries and not being forced to play with someone.

I think I am going to need support with this aspect of raising a kid, but unfortunately autism is not well understood where we live, and I fear the stigma if I am open about my diagnosis.

Thank you all for the very helpful script suggestions. It really helps, and I appreciate you running through the scenario with me.

Yes, agree with previous posts. At that age they need to ask adults to help with any social difficulties.
So, at home, practice getting your child asking for help from adult. She needs to be able describe the issue clearly and ask for help.

Phrases like "the sandbox belongs to everyone so I'm allowed to play here" can be good.

If someone says they don't want to play, then you could talk about either deciding to play alone or looking for someone else to play with.

If the scenario is a big group playing a game like tag and someone is saying she can't join in regularly, that is an issue to discuss with the staff so they can support.

You don’t have to mention your autism when asking for support. It’s not unusual for parents to struggle with many of the different aspects of parenting.
Say you are struggling with knowing the best way to support your daughter in this and do they have any suggestions.
They are the ones seeing the issue five days a week and they are generally much more experienced than someone that has only been the parent of a child this age with this issue for a short while.

OP deliberately excluding IS bullying. So is ignoring boundaries. Even at such a young age.

Its the nursery staff's job to ensure that the OTHER dc are 'playing nicely' too - I agree that nobody should be forced to play with anyone else but there's a huge difference between not wanting to play with someone (which is OK, and is part of socialisation, like what you're teaching your dd) and excluding someone from play. It can be quite nuanced, which I appreciate as ASD might be hard to get your head round, but this is definitely something to bring up with the staff.

If the dc were older this would be called bullying. It's maybe (?!) not intentional at this age but the other dc's behaviour towards your dd does need addressing. Please raise it with the staff.

I agree that if your DD is being deliberately excluded, it IS bullying despite the other children being so young and the nursery staff need to address it. Like @Can2022getanyworse says, it can be quite nuanced. There's a difference between a child who wants to play on their own or with a particular friend and so doesn't want to play with your child and a child deliberately excluding your child as a power-play. 4-5 is about the age when many children start to become aware of, and experiment with, social hierarchies and the effect that their actions can have on other children, which is why they need guidance from nursery staff/ teachers on playing nicely and including others.