Can I ask if anyone has kids 9 years apart, what’s it like?

[adayinparis]

Hi all

Posting here for traffic. Im pregnant after a long battle with secondary infertility. It took us five years to conceive, so this baby is a miracle. 💫 I am very curious to think about what it’s like to have two kids with a 9 year age gap. We have one son who is 8 and baby is a girl.

Im an only child so don’t really know what it’s like to have a sibling. What’s it like to have two kids 9 years apart? Any older boy/younger girl combinations?

Following OP as we have this situation

24 (f) and 15 (m) - they get on so well, just really similar attitudes to life. Obviously socially they don't hang out but at home they chat and watch tv together.

I haven't got kids with that age gap but have a similar age gap between me (& sibling) and our younger brother. As far as I can see for my parents, it was a bit more like just having kids again due to major life stages happening at different times. We liked having the baby around, and played with him a bit when he was little etc, but were not quite old enough to usefully help out. Then we were in school most of the time when he was little anyway, and after a few years we were old enough to be mostly doing our own things. We both went to uni so didn't see much of his teenage years.

Mine are 52,45,39,31(last one second marriage) girl,boy,boy,girl. All get along famously. Everything discussed as a family. Sat round the table, told 3 older DKs were hoping to have a baby,DH didn't have any . They all thought it was a great idea. Lucky....41, and menopause the following year, also became a grandmother for the first time! Got sick of people, including complete strangers in parks etc demanding to know why I had such big gaps,and telling me I had 4 generations of children.

Not personal experience, but from a few friends I know with this situation:

Pros - gap is sufficiently big to mean they don't compete for you in the same way, the older child is more self-sufficent/ able to help, there is less jealousy.

Cons - the most obvious is that it's hard to find something both enjoy to do, so a 10 year old might be too young to stay home alone, but doesn't want to be dragged to a fun farm or softplay.

Me and my younger brother have a 10-year age gap. We didn't get on as kids but when he went to uni he moved in with me and lived with me for 3 years and now we're adults the age gap makes no difference at all. He is actually richer and more successful than me now despite being so much younger. I'm very proud of him and always tell everyone about his achievements. We now live in the same city and our parents are abroad

Well 7 years here so a bit less that you. Ds22 and ds15. I would say that it was great to have one at school and a new born as it was easier to give time to both.
As they get older people are right it can be harder to do things that keep everyone happy but older ds was always good at doing things like cinema etc for the younger one.i found clubs and things harder to do with older ds as i was always carting a younger one around, often late at night but you just have to factor that in.

Older ds made a great babysitter in later years!!! I would say that the gap has grown once older ds got to 18 and left home. But he has just asked younger ds to go and visit him on the train so i am beginning to see them forge their own adult relationship. I think ds15 really misses having his brother at home. They are close and message each other often. It had worked for us.

From a sibling perspective:

My mum had my youngest brother almost 10 years after my other brother (5years younger than me) - I also have a sister 2years younger than me.

At the time ot felt odd that my parents had (unintentionally) decided to reset their lives again after so many years. I do remember feeling like I wouldn't have a bond with the child as there would be so many years between us. Anyway, once he arrived I suspect my mum had a reality check and realised she was well and truly over looking after babies, so myself and sister took on a lot of the parental duties. This intensified once DF passed away less than two years later. That said, it provided a lot of confidence, knowledge experience that's equipped me now that I have my own DC - 17years later.

I would say from a sibling perspective we all still got on and bonded like normal kids. I mean younger and youngest brother would argue like there wasn't almost a decade between them. So it was all good while we were all under the same roof.

I would say now that we're adults and out doing adult things, the generational gap us a lot more pronounced. Siblings no longer get on, and my mum is CBA to deal with a kid/teenager so he's pretty much left to his own (unproductive) devices.

Probably not the answer you were looking for. But I would say my experience has given me ambitions to have my kids relatively close in age if I can. But obviously, if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.

We have a similar situation in our family.
Baby is 1 and his sibling is 13.
It's amazing, these two love each other so much. They both light up when they get together. The 13 year old is having loads of practice in case he has kids later in life.
It's been very positive in our family.

DD is 24 and DS is 15. They get on very well and always have done.

DD was very proud of DS and very helpful when he was small, played with him patiently and used to spend ages putting together fantastic railway layouts for his Thomas the Tank Engine sets.

These days they chat, play card games, watch TV together, play duets and visit museums and zoos together. I hope they will always enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve got an 8 year gap, oldest (boy) is now 10 and youngest (girl) is 2. I think there’s pros and cons with any age gap. So far it’s been nice to have the 1-1 time with DD while DS is in school, and the transition from only child to big brother wasn’t as tough on him as I expected which I think was partially due to him having the routine of school and his friends. They don’t play together much really but DS is able to help with DD sometimes like play with her toys in the living room while I’m cooking dinner etc. DS is just young enough to still enjoy the park and soft play but I think it will get harder to find activities to suit them both as he gets towards his teens! I do find it hard to feel like I’m meeting both their needs at times but I imagine that’s the same with any age gap!

Not sure but following as DC is 8 and I'm due this summer with DC2

My DS4 is 9(10 in April) and DS5 is just 1. They have a brilliant relationship, there has never been any jealousy between them at all.

Not me but a close friend has a 10.5 year gap, oldest is a 16 year old boy, youngest a 5 year old girl. She loves it. They get on so well. They are best friends. I've seen this for myself first hand.
My friend told me she was very worried as he longed for a brother and cried when he found out it was a girl!

Good luck Op and huge congratulations.

My husband and his younger sister have 10 years between them. As a teenager he took more of a caregiver role, babysitting and (when he was old enough to drive) picking her up from school, etc. She worshipped the ground he walked on. Now they have a great relationship as adults, they go to the cinema, theatre, football matches etc just the two of them. The gap hasn't stood in their way at all.

As the younger sibling, I didn't find it ideal once I got to about 10/11. Always at very different life stages and it was hard to keep the bond going until I also hit middle age.

My 16yo and 7yo DCs get on really well and now hang out together despite the age gap. It was great when my youngest was a baby because his brother was old enough to watch him while I had a shower or to play with him / entertain him for a few minutes, or take him out for a little walk in the buggy when he was a bit bigger. It made things much easier for me in those hectic early days.

9 years between my SD (13) and ds1 (4) it's mostly great, was certainly easier the first couple of years because big sis loved the baby and toddler stage but as she's grown up she wants to do her own thing, on phone etc much more and no longer wants to play with her little brother, which is understandable but sad. I feel at this stage is when the age gap really shows, holidays can be tough to decide on what to do

7 year age gap, different sexes, they tolerate each other at best, and I have never tried to force them to get on. It essentially feels like having two only children, if that makes sense.

Don't have enough experience yet to give a comprehensive answer but what I do know so far..

Dd1 is 11, dd2 is 10 months

Less jealousy than I've seen in younger children, but it is still there. I think that probably depends on the baby's temperament though - dd2 is quite clingy and high needs so I just haven't been able to devote a good amount of time to dd1 as dd2 needs me so much. With a more chilled baby that might be less of an issue.

As a pp said, completely different interests so things Dd1 enjoys doing dd2 can't do (bowling, roller skating, board games etc) so I imagine that will be tricky as we go along..

Dd1 does help out sometimes (getting me a nappy, watching baby while I do a chore etc) and entertains dd2 for short periods of time when she feels like it. I try not to expect it as Dd1 is not the parent and I feel like it isn't her responsibility, but it's helpful and I'm grateful when she does.

Dd1 loves her very much and dd2 absolutely adores her big sister, I think she's probably her favourite person (she definitely gets the most smiles and laughs!) so it's lovely in ways. I think I'm extra sensitive to Dd1 feeling upset about getting less attention because I was so worried about that when I was pregnant and unfortunately it just is that way and there's only so much I can do about it because dd2 is a baby and needs what she needs 🤷‍♀️

I think it really depends on the personalities involved since I had a very different experience to some of those above. Mine are 8 years apart (like you, fertility issues - that gap was never the plan) and despite us trying to the best of our ability to ensure that everything was kept on an even keel, DS1 actively resented his younger brother for many years. They get on well now but it took the best part of 15 years to get to that point. Family activities were always an issue since the age difference meant that they wanted/needed to do different things and it was heart-breaking when DS2 desperately wanted to play with DS1 who permanently rebuffed attempts to be friends. As I say, they get on now but I don't think they will ever be the best of friends - which is so sad

I'm 9 years older than my brother. We played together a bit when he was 2/3 and then I took on a very maternal role. Still do now and he's 27! Always got on well but it's not the same dynamic as regular siblings.

My daughter was 10 when my son was born. She was an only child beforehand and had always hoped to be a sister. She has been great with him. She loves to help out and, now he's older, they really are best friends. She sometimes gets aggravated by him and he gets banned from her room, but they really love eachother! The challenge has been trying to make sure that I'm spending enough time with her as he is obviously demanding. Congratulations on your new baby.

I have DS who is 23, and DD who is 12, so my gap is 11 years. DS is autistic so it took him a bit of time to get used to a small wriggly baby sister. And when DD was about 2, she struggled to accept that I was DS's Mummy too! But they share a very special close relationship.

I have two that age apart, but with other siblings in between. They don't really do much together but they don't not get on either.

Having a big age gap does make it harder to do stuff they all enjoy but I think all kids need one- to-one time anyway.

I personally think relationships between kids and parents are waaay more important than between siblings - psychologically at least.