To not host Christmas

[BigMama32]

Husband and I take it in turns to spend xmas day with one side of the family and Boxing Day with the other, this year it’s his families turn to be with us on Boxing Day.

Last year when I was pregnant I hosted and cooked for his whole family - days and days of prep and cost hundreds (as it does if you’re needing to cook for 6+ who like a drink) they were very grateful as I think they could tell how much effort I’d put in.

This year they have assumed I cooking Christmas dinner for them all over again on Boxing Day despite having what will be a 6 month old, barely any money due to maternity leave and with them bringing over 3 extra people. Husband and I set them straight but they said well we have no choice because you can’t come to us because you’re allergic to dogs. I said to in laws I really don’t mind having them over but it’s just too much money and time with a little one so if everyone could bring a bottle and a dish, or we could all put in money for a takeaway and they bring a drink each. They want Christmas dinner because “we are old and can’t do it anymore” just for context they are in their 60s and in very good health, and are being quite moody with us about my refusal to cook an xmas dinner for 8 people.

AIBU

[Gymnopedie]

Last year I hosted, the previous 2 we were in covid situation so no one was anywhere, and previous to that they went on holiday every Christmas to see their children in Australia

Right, so this isn't a longstanding arrangement, it's happened once. That means you absolutely do not give in to even the slightest degree. If they're still coming, roast ham, coleslaw and bread rolls sounds more than enough.

As a one-time-only you can say no relatively easily even if it doesn't feel like it's easy. But if you do it twice, two years running, it will translate in their minds as 'oh we always go to BigMama's for Christmas dinner on Boxing Day' - and probably as something they'd enjoy saying to their friends if they're asked about Christmas plans too. It would be harder to say stop, and the frostiness would increase by several degrees, if they tried to come back at you with 'but that's what we always do'.

[Banrockmystation]

So you will have already had Christmas with your parents and the in-laws want you to then cook for them the next day?
They never host you because of the dog allergies is that correct?
If so then surely it’s their turn to host you and in these circumstances that would mean taking you (and paying) for a dinner out on Boxing Day?? Simples!!!

[BigMama32]

@SweetChild0mine

@BigMama32 why is your husbands work on his case about a turkey? Or did in laws ring him and give him grief whilst he was at work

Sorry yes my terrible grammar, yes they’ve been calling him while at work

[BigMama32]

@Banrockmystation

So you will have already had Christmas with your parents and the in-laws want you to then cook for them the next day?
They never host you because of the dog allergies is that correct?
If so then surely it’s their turn to host you and in these circumstances that would mean taking you (and paying) for a dinner out on Boxing Day?? Simples!!!

Yes that’s correct

[Zanatdy]

How rude. You’ve got a baby and told them it’s too much yet they want a Christmas dinner save them cooking one. I’d suggest they go to another relative on the day itself, or eat out. I wouldn’t back down. It’s way too much to expect you to cook for 9, and way too expensive. Either do a buffet and ask them to bring certain items or stick with a takeaway

[NoDairyNoProblem]

You are completely right, no one needs a second Christmas dinner- if they are complaining about being too old to cook a Christmas dinner then surely going out or your in-laws from Australia cooking something would be a natural conclusion.

Life is expensive, and hosting is never cheap. We had 6 adults over for buffet food and drinks last year on Hogmanay. Everyone brought a bottle or two but we still needed a good supply of wine, some spirits, mixers, ice, garnishes, napkins plus the food itself. We would have been far cheaper to go out and split the bill.

[BigMama32]

@NoDairyNoProblem

You are completely right, no one needs a second Christmas dinner- if they are complaining about being too old to cook a Christmas dinner then surely going out or your in-laws from Australia cooking something would be a natural conclusion.

Life is expensive, and hosting is never cheap. We had 6 adults over for buffet food and drinks last year on Hogmanay. Everyone brought a bottle or two but we still needed a good supply of wine, some spirits, mixers, ice, garnishes, napkins plus the food itself. We would have been far cheaper to go out and split the bill.

Yes there are a lot of hidden costs, I’m still happy to have them over I’m just not cooking a big meal. It’s everyone brings a dish and bottle or it’s a no go, I don’t want to spend my LOs first Christmas in the kitchen

[unfortunateevents]

So what are they eating on Christmas Day if they are expecting you to provide a full Christmas dinner on Boxing Day?

On a side note though, it does not take days and days and cost hundreds to provide even a lavish Christmas dinner for 7 adults!

[amiold]

@NoDairyNoProblem

You are completely right, no one needs a second Christmas dinner- if they are complaining about being too old to cook a Christmas dinner then surely going out or your in-laws from Australia cooking something would be a natural conclusion.

Life is expensive, and hosting is never cheap. We had 6 adults over for buffet food and drinks last year on Hogmanay. Everyone brought a bottle or two but we still needed a good supply of wine, some spirits, mixers, ice, garnishes, napkins plus the food itself. We would have been far cheaper to go out and split the bill.

Feel the same about barbecues... cost a fortune, you supply food and drink and then nobody helps tidy up. Much easier to get a takeaway and split it

[Blueberrycreampie]

I can't believe they're harassing him at his work. I don't think I'd want anything to do with these people. Can you prolong your visit to your parents so you're not around.

[piedbeauty]

Last year when I was pregnant I hosted and cooked for his whole family - days and days of prep and cost hundreds

Why didn't your h do his share of the cooking and prep?

[BigMama32]

@unfortunateevents Everyone’s expectations of Christmas are different, I can only speak for how my ILs expect to be catered to.
i do feel everything takes days with the LO, when does that get easier lol!!

[Riapia]

Days and days of prep and hundreds spent entertaining 6+.
Fuck me how many was the plus.
LTB.

[BigMama32]

@piedbeauty hes a hopeless cook worked up until the 24th and helped out in other ways - cleaning the house, collecting the food shops, tidying up the kitchen as I cooked etc

[BigMama32]

@Riapia

Days and days of prep and hundreds spent entertaining 6+.
Fuck me how many was the plus.
LTB.

i work shifts and did until 38 weeks pregnant and over xmas as I’m nurse so yes days of prep.
add on to that i dont have a freezer big enough for a 10person (they don’t get made for 7) turkey so had to get a fresh one, that plus 5 bottles of wine alone is a £100. Add on costs of the rest of the food, bubbles, nibbles, not having enough wine glasses/ dishes as we’d never hosted anything for more than 4 since moving house

[Venetiaparties]

The bloody brass neck.

Don't do it!! If you can't put your foot down you never will.

They are welcome for drinks and crisps on boxing day, or they can cook themselves. Some people are so entitled!

You are not paid entertainment/chef services for their benefit!

[SpacePotato]

Just get him to tell them straight.
They won't be having dinner at yours

They can pop round for a visit and some snacks maybe then go home and cook their own dinner. With BIL and his wife there they have plenty of hands to make a roast.

[SpacePotato]

I suspect they have already told BIL it's happening. Can your DH contact his brother directly and tell him it's not happening?

[BigMama32]

@Venetiaparties

The bloody brass neck.

Don't do it!! If you can't put your foot down you never will.

They are welcome for drinks and crisps on boxing day, or they can cook themselves. Some people are so entitled!

You are not paid entertainment/chef services for their benefit!

Yeah you’re right it’s now or never I reckon

[piedbeauty]

@BigMama32

@piedbeauty hes a hopeless cook worked up until the 24th and helped out in other ways - cleaning the house, collecting the food shops, tidying up the kitchen as I cooked etc

Fair enough! Each playing to your strengths. Sounds like you're on the same page about his entitled family... good luck!

[Delatron]

So cheeky. Stand firm. They can come round for nibbles or something. No way should you be cooking Christmas dinner twice.

Also slightly worried about your comment about statutory maternity pay. I hope all the family money is pooled and you’re not going short? The splitting the costs last year between you and DH seems strange to me. Is there a family money pot?

[PottyDottyDotPot]

If they mention Christmas dinner again text them some menus for local restaurants (it’s less than half price on Boxing Day) and thank them for treating you.

[Whatonearth07957]

It's BOXING DAY. They need to cook their own turkey on xmas day and eat whatever with some fcrackers. It's about spending time together. Get the emotional blackmail back to them!

[DelphiniumBlue]

If you can't go to them, it seems reasonable for them to come to you, but not to dictate the menu!
In our family, we prefer a buffet for Boxing day, with cold meat for sandwiches, cheese, ham salad etc. Sometimes we've had a choice of curries ( each household supplies a curry dish), you could do similar with chilli. These are easy to prepare in advance and can be as cheap/expensive as you want.
I think DH needs to be clear about your budget restrictions and the fact that you will not be cooking a full Christmas dinner, and the compromise is that you would love to see everyone at your house ( much easier with a baby) and everyone will contribute (specific thing plus specific alcohol). DH needs to be absolutely candid about not having the money to pay for food and alcohol for everyone , if that is indeed the reason for not hosting.

[J0CASTA]

You now have a baby - congratulations! Start the way you mean to go on by

1. staying out of your husbands dealings with his parents
2. saying “ no I’m afraid that won’t work for us “. Then repeat.
3. ignoring all sulking and unreasonable Demands

Have a wonderful Christmas with your baby and thank you for your service . People forget so quickly what you and your colleagues did during the pandemic.