To not send my DD back

[ImNotGoth]

DD 8 has been living with her dad for 4yrs, this was an amicable arrangement between her dad and I when we split, for many reasons, she comes every half term as they live down in Cornwall and I live up In Birmingham.

When she came to me in October half term it was clear she wasn’t being looked after correctly, basically he had been neglecting her needs and she was filthy. I’ve been raising other issues with him and he always says he’s “on it” but I fear it’s all been lip service. She has disclosed to me their house is a tip too. I have spoken to him and it turns out he’s having a mental health crisis and is in the middle of taking new medication for it.

Now as her mum I can’t send her back to this. However he is absolutely kicking off at me threatening me with authorities and all kinds, and I understand he feels like I’m taking her away but I don’t think he understands the seriousness of what’s going on, this neglect seemingly has been hidden from me and has been going on for quite a while with him not asking for help when he’s been struggling, there are other issues too such because I’m convinced she’s autistic, as are my other children and myself. He is burying his head in the sand over this imo and hasn’t been proactive at all, she’s behind in school, she says she has no friends.

I don’t know what I’m asking for her, just some support and to tell me I’m absolutely doing the right thing here, because I feel incredibly guilty for many reasons and I can feel myself going into an internal meltdown with worry and stress, when I have to be strong.

This is difficult. It is not unusual for the absent parent to criticise the one doing the vast majority of the parenting, or for children to exaggerate and play parents off against one another. Was this a formal arrangement? Unless you truly believe that she is unsafe, I do not think it's right to just keep her.

I suppose I am trying to think how I would feel if xh decided to keep dc after a visit.

If you want to keep her, do it the right way. Inform the Social Services and apply to the court for an order (you'll need his input to change her school and if he doesn't agree, you'll need to apply for a order anyway) Have you got any supporting evidence? What does her school say about how she is presenting with them etc?

Has your dd suggested what she'd prefer to do?

Drive her down yourself and check the house. Take photos if you need to and get a lawyer straight away and apply to the family court for primary custody. If you just keep her, trust will be broken forever and he will never ever trust you again to have her and could make your life difficult if you’re so far away. If he’s neglecting her, contact social services immediately to report it.

Thank for everyone’s input so far. I think I’m just worried about her living in a rubbish tip, not being bathed regularly, teeth brushed, clean clothes etc. School haven’t raised any concerns other than she’s behind in all areas and has some language difficulties. I do feel he’s not being proactive in getting some stuff sorted like the dentist, her toileting issues she’s had since we toilet trained her which I suspect is autism sensory issues.

Any family lawyers who can give advice on the best steps?

DD has said she’d like to stay here, but I’m also aware of what children are like in that respect. It doesn’t help we live so far apart.

She's 8? So she's not helpless?

Is she pushing for things to get done? Or is she happily being lazy and skipping baths and tidying her room etc?

I may be alone in this but if she's not pushing and just getting on and doing these things for herself by her age, I find that very odd.

Whatever the case. I think pulling her from her school and her friends and etc is a bit sudden and harsh. If her dad needs support, just like a mum going through mental health issues, the support should be there for them, not punishment as that rarely helps anyone mental health. Iyswim

Agree with this. How long do you think it's been going on for? He is burying his head in the sand over this imo and hasn’t been proactive at all, she’s behind in school, she says she has no friends.
Is this from dd or school? How did last parents evening go? Is she not at school this week? (Accept it may be half term, November is only month we don't have school hols in our area!)

Forgot to@ImNotGoth in my post!

She is a very young 8 though which I’m convinced is down to undiagnosed special needs, she’s not entirely helpless but she acts more like a 4/5 year old I’d say. If I was asked to guess I’d say she is ASD.

The schools only concern is that she’s behind in all areas and seems to have a language issue, which I agree with.

She’s not at school this week no. Last parents evening the only concern was the above, that she’s behind in all areas, they’ve refused to let and Educational Psychologist come in when I asked.

i think my main worry is the state of the house and the fact she was so dirty when she came.

Just to say I’m not criticising him at all here and I’ve told him this, my concerns are only that she’s looked after well.

I think that's expecting a lot. An 8 year old might do those things independently if reminded, but I would argue that very few 8 year olds would shower, brush their teeth and clean their rooms consistently without reminding, even if living in a home where those behaviours are consistently modelled. If you live with adults who also don't do those things then I would be surprised if the child did it . It might also be that the child resists those things if she does have ASD (showering/ teeth brushing can be difficult from a sensory perspective) but then it's for the parents to address it as best they can.

This is good advice

This.

Is this a formal arrangement, as if so you can’t just keep her. There are official routes you need to go down

Also I’d question why now, why haven’t you raised this beforehand? If she is so behind etc. it would have been noticeable for years

The problem is that you only have one snapshot of evidence. Being unkempt one time can often be chalked up to a crazy couple of days plus an art project that got stubborn paint under fingernails.

what choices you have available to you are going to depend upon your custody arrangement. For starters, do you have the legal authority to make educational or medical decisions?

if you think there is true neglect or abuse, you have a responsibility to hold her back while you report the situation, but a grey area means you need to be extremely careful. Missteps could mean the court siding against you not because it is in your dc’s best interest, but because you are seen as difficult or non-compliant with existing agreements.

TLDR: call a solicitor before you do this

With all due respect I think you shouldn’t live so far from your little girl. No judgement who she lives with but you need to be more involved in her life so you can support her/your ex And I would say the same to a dad too!

No formal court arrangement. This was all done between us at the end of our relationship. I have full parental responsibility as does he.

Yes her issues have been evident for around 3 years now, I’ve raised it with him and the school, I was told they can’t refer at her age for SALT and they have refused an EP. Her dad has put his head in the sand about ASD but it seems where they are it’s hard to even get on a waiting list for an assessment anyway

@Littlesquirrel77 I agree, I have asked him to move closer because he has no family or anything where he is. I can’t move because I have an autistic teenager settled in an SEN school and another DD with an EHCP in a good secondary she’s thriving in.

Who moved OP? Did you move away or your ex?

I agree with PP that you need to live closer.

It's worrying that you are aware of significant issues for 3 (3!) years now & are yet to resolve them.

I don't think you cable just keep her. I think you need legal advice, and then need to act in the best interests of your DD.

Please can you answer some questions op:

Why are you living so far away from your child?
When she started living full time at 4 with her father, why was that decision made?
Are you likely to change your mind again if the going gets tough?
What is going on at home for her, with her father? Does he have MH issues, money problems, too many dc, what has changed that he went from being an adequate father you were happy to give him full custody to one that is now negligient?

I am only asking because it is possible questions like this will come up, as he may decide to take you to court.

Is it possible he has ASD too (tends to run in families) and so doesn't put much value on personal hygiene and has poor executive function so the house is always untidy? Could explain his MH issues.
Whatever the case I agree with others that you need to go down and see how she's living so you know whether it's a genuine concern or not. You also need to see how he is.

We decided she should live with him because at the time my DD now 15 was having violent meltdowns and we both felt it was in her best interest to live with her dad. She is now very settled in a specialist school and the meltdowns are way way less and not violent anymore. I didn’t just abandon her, I was trying to act in her best interests at the time as was he.

The reason he moved so far is because at the time he had family support, which has now diminished and he’s basically alone there, although he grew up there. At the time the situation at home was absolutely dire and it was a case of making huge sacrifices for everyone’s benefit, but a lot of effort and work has been put in with all the relevant professionals to get to the excellent place we are in now.

He has MH issues, mostly anxiety and now depression, and some health issues.

I have been trying to work with her dad to resolve all the issues but like you’ve all said, it’s very tough from so far away and when all the obstacles are against you with schools and so on.